Less might be more, but this thing is too much.
Page 5 of 39
I said, "So, big deal, Ill go in the pantry and get anothor jar!" But Granfather howled at me, "IT AIN'T FROM THE SAME BATCH! MAH METAMUCILS DONE GOT TO BE FROM THE SAME BATCH, ELSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO GO!
And with that the old basterd swung his boney hand in a sweeping motion and whipped the glass up into the air. It shattored against the wall and spilt water and wet Metamucil powder and broken glass everywhere. It was a danm mess. I started cryin. I hate violence especialy in my home. Granfather was very pissed because he was not looking foward to this arbittration session with the County Clerk. It was once case he was sure to lose.
The old basterd contineud, pointing to his lower abdomen. "THESE HERE INNER VITTLES KNOW IF MAH METAMUCILS AIN'T FROM THE SAME BATCH."
I replied, half scared to death but still defiantly thruogh my tears, "Any old batch from any old jar will do! Youre full of crap, Granfather! Youre just sayin that cause your mean!"
The beastly geezer seemed suprised for a second but then shot back, spittin drooly tobacco juice at me as he screamed as the cigarete dangolling at the edge of his brown lips, stuck there by a film of drippy mouth-muck danced menacingly, "YER GOLLDANG DANM RIGHT I'M FULLA CRAP, AND THAT'S WHY I NEEDS MAH METAMUCILS!
"NOW GIT YO UGLY, SKINNY SORRY PITIFUL PIMPLY ASS INTO THET THAR PANTRY AND GIT ME MAH METAMUCILS! BEFORE YOU DONE END UP MORE DEADER THAN KATHLEEN WILLEY'S CAT!"
I began to tell the old basterd that 'Metamucils' is not a plural, but i descided not to push it. I poured anothor big glass of water from the tap and it took forevor to fill it cause the well is weak due to especially low groundwater this year and I sat the glass before him then ran fast to the pantry in the back of the trailer to get the danm powder for him and just when I thoght my problems were over Granfather screamed, "SUGAR FREE? WHUT THE HELL IS THIS?"
"EVERY TIME I DEPEND ON YOU THAR'S DRY CLUMPS EVERYWHAR IN THE GLASS," Granfather growled. "YOU CAIN'T STIR IT UP RIGHT, EITHER CAUSE YER WEAK OR YER STUPID.
"NOW, STAND BACK, AND WATCH HOW A MAN MIXES IT, FAIRY BOY."
Granfather poised his burled warty hand gripping the spoon just ovor the glass. Just then the phone rang and he imediatly stopped what he was doing and sprang up to grab it.
My knees started to shake and just when we agreed to meet for lunch one day in the middel of August the repulsively ugly face of Granfather interupted my living fantasy by popping up right in front of me and screamin, "ITS TWENTY-FIVE AFTER YOU DUMBASS! AH CAIN'T MISS MAH MEETING!"
Oh crap, Granfather's arbitration meeting with the County Clerk was scehuduoled for 8:30. And one of the things the old basterd agreed to was to be on time for the meeting or else he woud lose the case by default to the County Clerk's favor. The grisly monster grabed me by the shoulders and hustled me out the door.
It is six miles across empty rangeland to our tiny town which is also the County seat and we had 5 minnutes to get there. Thats where the courthouse is. I just barely had time to say goodbye to my beloved Counslor.
"WATCHIN' YOU ON THE PHONE WITH THAT GAL WAS JEST SICKENING," Granfather muttered as I drove as fast as I coud across our sprawling dustey property up to where it meets the state highway. I said to him, "Well Granfather I am in love."
"YOU PITIFUL SIMPERING WUSS. YOU NAMBY-PAMBY, TOUCHY-FEELY, PANSY-WANSY.
"YOU CUSHY, KOOTCHIE, SMOOCHIE, SCHMOOPIE, WEEPY WAILY WUSSY." Granfather kept muttoring at me AWFUL houmilliating names till I was in tears and said that if I caused him to be late and thereby lose his case by default he will personaly put five new cracks in my ass.
Meanwhile it is Granfather's fault we have this speciel lose-by-default clause in the artibration agreement. In past arbitration sesions, Granfather repeatedly abused the system with all sort of repeated (and deliberate) digestive relatted delays. In othor words he kept stinking up the room.
When we areived at the meeting the County Clerk was already there and so was the judge. The poor clerk tremboled all over at the sight of Granfather. Most people have that initial reaction based on his ghastly apearance and odor, but in the case of the County Clerk it is cause of his very familior, raw hatred of the old basterd. The arbitrator was one of these old fashoined retired judges with a cowboy hat and string tie. He insisted the two parties greet one anothor gracefully.
"Grampy," the clerk nodded uncomfortably as he took his seat.
"CLERKY," Granfather nodded in return with a grunt.
"I APOLOGIZE THET I'M STILL IN MAH PERJAMAS," Granfather pontificatted in an the exagerrated tone of a pompous Southern gentlemen, "BUT I WAS AWAITING A PHONE CALL FROM THE VETERANS BUREAU WHILST INSTEAD THE DUMBASS BOY HERE WHO'S JOB IT IS TO DRESS ME DONE TIED UP THE LINE WITH SOME OLE WENCH HE'S PINING FOR. AINT THAT RIGHT BWAH?"
The judge quickley interjected and thretenned to jail the old basterd in contempt if he did not stop talkin imediately.
First off let me say that the two men are NOT involved in any romantic sence. Granfather insists howevor that he shoud be allowed to refer to the County Clerk as his "signifocant other" based on two reasons: One, the fact that no true deffinition of the phrase exists. And two, the County clerk is the person Granfather is most emotionally tied to. And for that mattor, Granfather is most emotionaly tied to him. Even if the emotion hapens to be pure hate.
"I IMPLORE THE JURY," Granfather contineud in his lofty tone, "TO CONSIDER YORES TRULY. I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVE. AM I NOT?"
Everyone was silent. The old basterd turned to me.
"I SAID, AM I NOT? ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE SUMBITCH 'FORE I SNAP YER NECK LIKE A TWIG!"
And so the hearing went. The county Clerk unfortunatly played his cards wrong and got very hot headed. Granps on the other hand gave cool answors and sat there silently. One of the things he does that is very anoying is just sit there for hours on end stairing without so much as blinking. Being part reptile has alowed the old basterd to do sit untwitchingly motionless, like a lizard under a heatbulb.
"Tell him to stop that!" The county clerk screamed at the arbitrator, who replied, "Tell him to stop WHAT? To stop not blinking?"
The clerk retorted, "He's being disruptive! He's disrupting your courtroom!"
"At least blink, for Godsake!" the judge roared. Granfather has for each eye one of those semi-transparent third eyelids like you see on a snake, and one of these darted in from the side to quickly cover his left iris. It just as fast retreated back under the scaly crowfoot area by the eye's corner. Exasporated, the elderley judge yelled, "I move to postpone. Thirty days!" and he sprang up and bolted from the room shouting. The Judge knew that being "motionless" does not break the law. Granfather allways finds a loophole to annoy his fellow man.
As soon as he left the room and only then Granfather began to move anothor part of his body. It was his fists sort of slowly up and down while the County Clerk stared at him with nakad hatred. In Granps' fists were gripped either side of a large yellow legol pad and why he was moving in that way was to fluff up a silent-but-deadly into the county Clerk's face.
"AS FAR AS HATRED IS CONCERNED, CLERKY" the old basterd muttered to his shellshocked enemy while once more focusing his unblinking stare, "YOU ARE MAH SIGNIFICANT OTHER." Then he started singin very loud in his Barry White voice," YOU'RE MAH FIRST, YOU'RE MAH LAST. YOU'RE MAH EVERY-THANG."
On the way back to the house we went thru the center of town which is so small there is only one trafic light and it is a blinker. Making the right turn at the stopsign back onto the state route we saw exactley one car that whole morning. Granfather, who insists on being gratuittously cruel to all persone just cause he delights in being mean motioned to the othor motorist to roll down the window of his minivan and when he did Granfather screamed (for no reason at him, but in reference to the guy's bumper stickor), "HEY MISTER: YOUR CHILD MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT, BUT YOU'RE STILL A DUMBASS!"