Hmmm it dosent FEEL like the year 2000
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Yes I know. I am a jerk. That lost-but-now-fuond update starts here.
Thats right ladeis and gentelmen. The good news is that it is Janaury of the Year 2000, and all that horse hockey the "media experts" have been tellin us for years, has finaly come true: The so-called "Convergence of TV and the Web" is here!
Also Granfather is givin me a hard time. He is demanding an extra peice of the pie before we reppresent his repulsive horrid disgousting face on the web. Granfather's lawyor is now fighting with my lawyor. Its an ugly, disfunctionol situation. To be safe, I had to take the cartoon pictures down. I apollogize. Hopefully youll see them on TV one of these days.
Also I apollogize for the generaly poor quality of my website lately: badly written, horobly spelled, laboriously long, and just with an overall air of campy cornyness. (Of course, as I've gone back to read the whole thing looking for bad links Ive realized that my website's ALLWAYS been this bad.)
Yes I am an an insecure loser. As long as thats true at least I hope my cartoon will be sold so I cam make my living from it.
In any case what can I say to catch up. I woud like to let all my readers know whats been hapenning since November, the last time I updated my pages. As usuol I had a realy awful Thanskgiving. Not as bad as some in the past, but humiliating still in its own way. Christmas was a little bettor. New years eve was extremly anoying. Granfather as you can guess ruined it for me.
I just upgradad a few weeks ago. I had to get MS Word 2000 because the 1999 version of MS Word I have (and paid $89 bucks for, like, only a year ago), canot read the Word 2000 documents my job sends to me. Meanwhile Word 2000 freezes up aftor I go into "HELP" and I have to hardboot my computer.
Also, Word 2000 is so friggin big I cannot fit it all on my computer and will have to buy a new one soon. These basterds want you to buy a new hardware and softwear every 8 month marketing cycle.
Also Word 2000 is integratad into the new danm IE Web Browsor (which I had to install agianst my will) and that damn thing sucks even more: It makes my freakin web conection freeze up if I'm on the Internet for more than 2 minutes. Not good if you want to FTP files to your danm webpage.
Also MS Word now comes with hundreds of clip art images and a web creation tool.
Well. I know THAT cant be true. Cause I buy a new friggin Operating System every damn year.
Plus all the MS droids up there you talk to have names like "Wink" and "Troy" and who dont give a crap abuot you anyway but are just hangin around a job they dont like just to cash in on the stock options.
Microsoft also has a (800) toll free number, but that costs $35 "per incident" and meanwile the danm softwear only costs a hundred bucks. So I've been callin the Wasington State number. Granfather says that if he sees one more entry for "(425) 635-7130" on his phonebill he will carve the numbor a half inch deep into my asscheek with a redhot linoleum knife.
Before we get into the update...As Leuitenant Columbo says,
 Folks I sincearely appollogize I have not answered all my mail. Hard to belive but this crappy website gets more mail than I can ever posibly answor. Please remember that I am a real person who has to schedoule time to write my updates, read my mail, do my job, and somhow still find time to get emotionaly abbused by Granfather.
 Ive mentined before, (but allot of new readors dont realize), I cannot download email attachments. I apologize for this. Many people send along things like documents and humoruos items, but there is a strict rule agianst this sort of thing, because (OK, I admit it), I check my e-mail at work, and one of the computers there once got infected by a virus that some jerk who works there (not me) downlaoded off an email attachment that someone sent him. The jerk almost lost his job. (OK I admit it, I was that jerk).
You are probly readin this at work on your lunch hour and I know you dont have all the time in the world. So lets get into this big ass update.
Tak a deep breath folks-- this is somthing I can say if your NOT in the imediate vincinity of Granfather -- here is the update, so please dont try to read it all in one sitting. Unless of cuorse your as much a glutton for my punishment as I am.
How he got to be in such a bad state: There was a teribble incodent that hapenned last year that Granfather still hasnt recovored from. If youve read my past updates you know that the old basterd's two older brothers injected by way of a reverse air presure enema allmost 600 pounds of bathroom tile grout into his ass which seeped allthe way up to where his stomoch ends. Rathor than have it removed Granfather kept it in there up his butt for sevoral months as evidence in a lawsiut agianst them.
To make a long story short the grout was finaly removed by way of lithium grease and now sits on the lawn of a college campus somwhere in the Midwest where your tax dollors and mine purchased it as a very expensive and vaguely offensive large white curley outdoor artistic peice of modern sculpture.
Also Granfather's bowels were severely strained, and so was the rest of his body. He is at severe risk for imediate and sudden stroke or heart atack.
My imediate boss at work is this pain in the ass woman. Not only does she look like a toad -- She is a codeppendent whose mission in life is to "mentor me into manhood." I keep tryin to tell her its hopeless. In case you dont know what a codependent is its somone obssessed with helping othors who ofton dont want your help. It is so danm pittiful. OK, i admit it I am sort of a codeppendent too. (Im also somone who needs help but thats annothor story).
Worst of all was the othor discoveries.