I'd venture to say my 15 minutes are just about up.
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For example aftor we came home we got this one lab report which disclosed the unfortunnate revellation that Granfather was allmost totally lacking in intestinol bacteria. No one knows why.
Also, gene mapping has shown that Granfather's genetic code is split into roughley equol parts of 20 percent Human, Insect, Primate and Reptile DNA. This leaves abbout 20 persent still unknown, howevor after this last gene exam there were a few unusualy long strings of DNA of which were uniquely identicol to those found in the plant world. This explaines the multi colored lichen looking growths on his skin.
"SO I GUESS YER OLD GRAMPY IS PART PLANT," he said to me shortley afterword, and then he taunted me just like the plant monstor said in Little Shop of Horrers, "FEED ME SEYMOUR! FEED ME!,"
"Anomolous Presentation" of this hairy boil, "Anomolous Presentation" of that oozing carbunkle; "Anomolous Presentation" of his ass hangin out of the diapor. Of his nose, eyes, feet, YOU NAME IT. They get tired of writting it so they shorten it to 'A.P.'
But the thing about the old gristly basterd not havin no intestinol bacteria is the most mysterrious.
Thus the paradox: If bacteria causes stink, and his is so bad that it kills bacteria, than why the hell does he smell so bad? Nobody knows and I for one dont care. Alls I want is not to have to live with him anymore cause he stinks like a diseased elephent's ass.
By the way the plant that Granfather shares strings of DNA with is somthing called Rainbow Swiss Chard. My mothor used to cook it back when she was alive. It sort of looks like a cross between green and yelloew and blue celery with bright red poinsetta leaves with blue and green varicose veins on it. The parts it grows on Granfather are his scalp, back armpits, and one asscheek. The veins pulsate. I remmember the day we discovored it. He screamed "LOOKY WHUT'S GROWIN ON ME, BOY! IT'S THE DAGNAB PLANT ON 'EARTH: FINAL CONFLICT'!"
This particolor one the old basterd dischardged in the HMO restroom looked no more threatenning than the danm Baby Ruth bar Bill Murray fishes out of the swimming pool in Meatballs. (Or mabye it was in Caddyshack -- I dont recall).
The special E.P.A. Approved lead lined bag comes in packeges of six. Medicaid will not pay for them. Also they come with a giant red stickors you have to put on them that said
WARNING! * * * CUIDOSO! * * * RADIOACTIVE!
He has dellusions of greatness, suffers from various Media Addictions, (like TV and the web), makes loud vulgor public outbursts; (I undorstand there are people who cant help it; he does it on PURPOCE); The old basterd is also adicted to tobacco, liqour and fried cheese, has Pigpen Sindrome (won't bathe), as well as Classic Internet Pornagraphey Obsessive Syndrome. Plus, and I'm not sayin one thing is rellated to the othor but he also has a very bad case of Repetitive Stress Carpol Tunnel Sindrome YOU DONT WANNA KNOW WHERE.
"I DON'T LIKE FOLKS TO KNOW MAH SPECIFIC MEDICAL CONDITION," the old basterd told me the othor day at the brekfast table in his haughtey, condessending way, "SO JEST GO ON AN' TELL ALL YER WUSSY ASS FREINDS AND WEBSITE READERS THAT 'GRAMPY HAS BEEN DESIGNATED AS AN INDY'VIDUAL WITH DIFFICULT TO MEET NEEDS."
"IT WERE ALL A COMPLICATED, BYZANTINE, SERPENTINE PLAN, BUT I FINALLY GOT WHUT I WANTED: MAH NASTY OL' LIPS SAFELY ENSCONCED ON THE WARM, FINANCIALLY NOURISHING TITTY OF UNCLE SAM, U.S. GUV'MINT."
And not only that geuss what, the old basterd is also entitled to:
I supose she has a little B.O., but not too bad considoring I live with Granfather. Also she has this dry and clinical yet soothingly sensuous Nationol Public Radio voice.
Granfather spins his web of deception to her each session when she comes to visit, cocking his head to one side and gettin real close to the womon as he babbles his lies, one of which is that he has hearing in only one ear and must get the side of his head very close to her.
Of course the REAL reason the old basterd is always tryin to get close is to look into her T-shirt armpit hole at the area where her bra is suposed to be, (exept, acording to Granfather, who once told me so after she left), she presumably does not beleive in wearin one of those as well.
There is a rudimentarry ganglia or brain complex locatted there also, right at the very part where it comes to the surfece. Yes a rump with its own brain. How one of these things got inside the old basterd's butt is yet anothor mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a riddle all up Granp's ass.
"Stop staring at me!" I said.
"WATCH THE DAMN ROAD, YUH DUMBASS," he hollored back.
I began to protest this and remminded him that in family therappy he was told outright, NOT to talk to me in this way. Then the old basterd started screammin, "SHUT UP AN' DRIVE, BWAH, B'FORE I DONE HOP OVER THE SEAT AN' START BITCH SLAPPIN YUH!"
I realized that he was havin a bad time and so I did not push the issue. Then Granfather started makin the Blair Witch noises. I dont know if you saw the movie but good thing I live out in wide open spaces far from the woods. I am still havin bad dreams abbout it. OK, I am an ovorly sensitive person, but even still Granfather was makin all the awful noises. Then he started bouncing and thrashin arround in the car. Have you ever seen the Hokaido snow monkeys on the Discovory Channel where they climb up to the tippy top of these spindley trees during mating season and hoot and hollor like crazey while shakin the whole tree? Well Granfather was doing that. Exept he was makin the Blair Witch sounds too.