Walter Miller's Homepage

Once more we repeat: This a work of FICTION. Well, mostley.

The Big Triple Update for May-June-July 2000

Page 4 of 26

Anothor morale booster

There is a new round of layoffs coming. And when the going gets rough, companies like Cyberblop come up with all sort of diversionery amusements. I later found out that the idea Bouvard came up with is a Companywide Haiku contest. Where all employees have to come up with three Haikus so a select few can be printed on foamboard and hung up all over the danm office to boost morale.

Yes, Haikus. Those irresistably easy and fun to write Japanese poems you studied in elementery school consisting of 17 syllables broken up into three lines of five, then seven and then five syllables. Where there is no punctuation. And it allways has to be five-seven-five. Kind of like this:

cutting edge for
the 21st century
cyberblop dot com

And also:

e-com experts rule
the info-superhighway
cyberblop dot com

Those are 2 of the entries that won. One of the rules is you have to use:
'cyberblop-dot-com' as either the first line or the last line.

Haikus for Godsake. Can you beleive it? Dumbass Mr. Bouvard never even heard of haikus before he read abbout them a few weeks ago in the in-flight airline magazine. Sureley this Haiku contest will dramattically improve morale.

By the time Bouvard zipped up the wator in the sink was already running for him. I bet if he woud of asked Peaches to "tap" him after whizzing he woud of done it too.

A sore point

All of these cronies and freinds of the big bosses get to have high paying jobs and good titles. Well dammit I am still stuck at the level I came in at: "Workstation Suport Assistant".

Other cruel names for my job, (that people call us behind our back), is "Drone" and "Droid" and even "Oompah Loompah." In any case, it is the lowest levol in the whole danm place.

I deserve to be a Assistant Content Developer

That is the next step up from what I do. Hell, I already do the job of an Associate Content Developor, which is the next grade up from a Asistant Content Developer. It is not fair.

Back at my desk I get a phonecall

It was from Uncle Zeke's lawyor. Uncle Zeke is one of Granfather's older brothers. They live on the east Coast. Both of them are suing Granfather. This is why somone served papers the other day. I have asked my danm uncle not to call me at work or give my numbor out, but now here is his freakin lawyer calling me.

The guy calling is a wiseass high paid Washington D.C. lawyor. He was calling me from his cellphone.

Cellphones are the biggest fraud ever purpetrated on the American people.

I dont know what it is, but fully ninety persent of all verbal content of cellphone conversations consist of the danm person with the cellphone telling you "where he is right now."

"I am in my car going down Connetticut Avenue," he says, like I am suposed to be so impressed by this I shoud blow smoke up his ass in admiration, "And I just want you to know, Mr. Miller that I expect your cooporation in this upcoming lawsuit."

The lawyor also wanted to officially warn us that Uncle Zeke and Uncle William were both on their way to Texas and shoud be there in a day or two to pick up some of the items they feel that Granfather owes them.

The lawyor says he expects ME to comply with everything, to aid my two uncles's claim agianst Granfather, and not to hide any of the old basterd's colectible stuff, othorwise he will see that I get sued by my Uncles as well. And also charged with Obstruction of Justice. And have my ass throwed in jail so fast, (in his words), that I wont have time to even fart for Godsake as the big steel doors of Justice slam shut on my sad face. Plus he will make sure for a cellmate I have some big mean burly drug dealor with a life sentence who dosent speak English who is very often overly freindly in the wrong way and makes me wash his socks and undorwear and call him "Mommie."

This is why i do not like lawyors.

The one bright spot

The one brihgt spot about bein on the phone with my Uncle's pain in the ass lawyor was that while I was on, the creepy psycho biker chick called, and it went to phonemail. She sounded terce and not very happy. She acused me of, "working too many hours at work an attempt to avoid our relatonship."

Actualy, she was only half right. I was just tryin to avoid the relatonship.

On the way home from work I stop in the Mini Mart to buy some gas. Who do i see there but the County Clerk. Oh, crap. The county Clerk as you know is Granfathers sworned enemy. In my last update Granfather had caused extreme enbarassment to the poor man by publicly announcing that both he and the County Clerk were once rommantically involved.

None of this was ever true. Granps said it only to houmiliate the County Clerk in front of his new ladyfriend. It is a small town and this sort of thing gets around.

The county Clerk was livid

He was holering and screamin at me. His face was this sort of glowing, burning Home Depot-color orange. I didnt get all the words but he said somthing to the effect that his ladyfreind has now left him and that if he ever sees Granfather agian he will kill him in cold blood.

The county Clerk always flies off the handle, and I am sort of used to it. But this time he was extra pissed. I went inside the Mini Mart to buy some gum. My friend Cathyann was in there.

As you know Cathyann is a freind of mine. It was a hot day and she was quite sweaty. She usualy wears a fabric tube top in the heat and she was glistenly all over. To put it in a politically corect way she is a Womon of Size and she came ovor and embraced me and gave me a big wet sweaty salty kiss and said, "Howya doin, Walt?"

Cathyann has this loud, raspy deep sort of barky seal voice. Whenevor she is in a room shes the centor of atention cause she talks loud and laughs allot.

Today she was very loud. Also very flushed and red. I think she had a coupel of beers. When she gave me the kiss she leaned ovor and pinched my ass. Me and her dated once or twice but now we are only freinds: She is NOT my girlfriend. Okay, I admit it. Somtimes we hang out and end up making out in her car or mine. It is because she is pushy and I am weak and lonesome. I admit it. Its disgousting.

So we talked for a few minuts and finaly she said, "So Walt, are they hiring down thar whar you work?"

I told her no. Cathyann told me she was out of work. This I alredy knew. She and her mother both worked as checkout ladies in a supermarkat in the next county. One scandolous morning, Cathyann got sick on the checkout conveyor. Partly on the conveyor itself, and the rest on some poor lady's grocries. She was asked to leave and not come back.

Lator on guy who cleaned the conveyor acidentaly turned it on before it was totaly cleaned off and the parts that didnt hit the poor lady's groceries after Cathyann got initially sick slopped ovor into the conveyor machinery and the manager came out and fired him too. It was big news in both counties when it hapened and so I hear, that aisle still smells a little.

"It werent from drinkin, it were heat stroke," Cathyann said in a husky, strident tone.

"And Momma resigned in protest. You wanna know whut we both thought next? We're both thinking of gittin on the Internet gravy train....BWUH-HUH-HUUH!", she barked in her loud hoarse laugh.

Oh God no

Cathyann at Cyberblop. No, no, no. She is a sweet girl and a dear freind, but I treid to explain to her that you had to at least know some HTML programing. Besides, what a pain in the ass it woud be if she did work there.

In fact Cathyann is not computor savvy at all and recently got only upgraded to a 486.

"Ain't no one kin tell me I cain't DO this crap, Walt," she said, swaggoring a little on one hip, "I done BEEN on AOL a golldang whole TWO MONTHS already."

I see somthing that scaires the hell out of me.