Walter Miller Homepage

Proving that the internet is nothin but a big waste of time, since 1995

April 97 Update

Page 5 of 8

A small situaton occurs

It was time to clip Granfathers toenails. All ecxept the left pinky nail which is now 4 inches long and real crusty & im not aloud to touch that one. A regulor clipper wont work: you haveto use a sheet metal crimper.

I sat his wrinkoled bony ass in the flat woodon folding chair in the bathroom and when I finished for some reason he was stuck to the seat! When i clip his horrable disgosting nails he always shifts arround and yips like a hyporactive child so what hapened was a few wirey ass hairs got couhgt tight between the pliant wood slats which now snapped shut on them. Granfather vilently jumped & hopped making a clattery wood noise on the tile floor also smackin me screaming GIT THEM HAIRS LOOSE!!!

I call the docter

But the doctor was with a patiant and wasnt availlable. I ran to the toolshed and got the wiresnips but they woudnt cut thru the hairs. There was exactley 8 hairs stuck. If if it was just 1 or 2 he coud pull himself free but 8 togethor can pull a dumptruck. He hollared for me not to pull them out but cut them and he kept yelling, hittin me & twistin my ear. I tryed the hacksaw. It worked for a minute but the noise was so spine courdling i had to stop. I sounded like a somone scratchin a blackboard with one hand, playin a busted violin with the other and chewing tinfoil at the same time.

Finaly after a friggin hour of terror and abuse i just sawed the WHOLE DANM CHAIR APART. Just then the doctor calls. I asked him what i shoud do.

He asked if Granfather was listening and I said NO. He said next time it happens to gently lower the chair back and lay it in the bathtub and make sure somthin real heavy is put on his chest like a anvil or a couple of manaul typewriters with a soft towel beneath it so it doesnt leave any marks and then to slowly run the water till the tub fills. Considoring that the rudimentory marine gills on the old bastords neck are rather undevelloped for the size of his poulmonary system, it shoud take 10 or 15 minuts till he stopped breathing completly, after which time he woud be ecstaticly pleased to swear, as if on a stack of bibles, upon any number of oficial documents which included the repeated phrase: "naturol causes."

The doctor soundad like he was heaviley drinking.

That night we get the call

I was very suprized to hear from Uncle Zeke as he and granfather normaly feud alot--I knew it must be inportant. Granps said to put him on speaker. The 2 men were distant yet civil with eachothor. The facts were Uncle Willaim was near death in a hospitol near Washington where he lived. Uncle Zeke lived near the shore a few hours away and he was in Washinton too, and said he shoud fly out as soon as posible.

THIS IS PERFECT TIMING BOY, granps said to me aftor he hung up, being that he just patched things up with his flabby old girlfrend.

NOW THE OLD BITCH KIN COME DOWN AN' CARE FOR MUH CANINES he snickored. But i told Granfather that her kid Ed CANNOTT stay here without us, because he steals stuff. Also I dont like Ed.

Granfather screamed: YOUL DO AS THE ADULTS SAY, AN' THAT INCLUDES EDWORD. Then he rang up the old biddy again and with more fake crying he explained how his poor brothor was gravely ill, & he didnt know WHAT to do abbout his poor pets...But i coud tell that thru his evil yellow teeth he was REALY AND TRULY saying coud she please get her dimpled waffly hanging blobbulor ass down from Dallas to feed his danm dogs since he alredy faces legal troble for abusing them.

She says OF COURSE SWEETY, and also that her kid ED is comin down too. When Granfather gets off the phone he orders me off to the Mini Mart to buy a some cans of Cocoa Lopez and vanilla flavored Ensure Liqiud Noutritionol Suplement and the tequilla she mixes those two togethor with plus the Pall Malls she likes and snarls that Id bettor treat Ed with respect because he is a guest and also be sure to call him UNCLE Edword, as he is the son of my common law step-grandmother. Or some crap like that.

Meanwhile Ed is 22, only 2 years oldor than me but HES treated like an adult and IM treat like a child. ITS NOT FAIR.

Screw This: I call Dad

Dad is sick of me callin all the time but the Ed issue is serious: He IS a theif. Plus granfathers behavor has got alot worse: The cheese Wiz, the gas, the hitting, the wooden chair, the liverworst...When I tell Dad about it he gets exasporated & says: "I lived with him once TOO yuong man." He atculy thinks that some of the stuff i say about granfather I MAKE UP: But I do NOT.

Me & dad get in a REAL BAD fihgt. Granfather starts screamin YOU DO AS YER PAW SAYS. And then Granps tryed to shake down Dad to pay for our fligts back East. He agread to mail a check. After all when Dad was a kid he lived with Uncle Zeke and Uncle Wiliam for 2 years while granfather was in Fedoral Prison and my grandmothor was out ofthe country. (Its a long story).

It was a awful fight & I said some bad things you shoud never say to your own fathor. i spent the rest of the day breakin down both computers and put them both in this plywood locker I built in one of the sheds. Anything valauble i owned went in it. Granfather taunted me as a 'FEARFUL FAIRY' but before the day was out he made a pile of his own crap to also be locked up: his Cuban cigars, bank statments and pornware.

Did I mention...

...the Texas ragweed & pollon season is here? And hes sneezing like crazy blowing orenge cheezy goo everywhere? The whole danm trailor looks like the spattored inner walls of one of those Spin Art enclousures, you know the kiddy carnivol atraction where the peice of white cardboard spins in a low pit and you squeeze diforent color paints on it. Ecxept all the paints are replaced by nacho sauce. Granfather said to me before I went to the store IT WAS MY JOB TO CLAEN IT ALL UP.

The next day Ed an his mom arive

Ed's pit bull came too, the one who tried to make kibbles out of my bits last Christmas. Ed chained it up becuse you know hed kill our skinny dogs in 1 minute plus our chickens.

The pitbull and Granfather scampored around the yard; Gramps was on all fours with a large rawhide pull toy in his mouth; the pooch had the othor end in his jaws wrestling him for it. They both growled angrily but you know they were fake angry and both realy having fun. Ed was nearby laughing and egging them on & taunting both beasts withthe gardon hose.

There is a life threatoning acident