Walter Miller's Homepage

Not nearley as bad as anythin you'd read in the averege novel, but somehow all the more appalling just becuase its on the Internet

Mid-April 1997 Update

Page 2 of 5

After leaving the hospitol me and Uncle Zeke met up with Granfather at the restuarant near the motel. Durin supper he misbehaved as usual but not THAT bad. It was odd to see him in the position of little brothor. He was whining that he wanted seconds on the creamed spinnach and his oldor brother said to the waiter: "No he had enuogh."

More politicol arguing

During supper Granfather complained that the because of the poppularity of the X-Files in Britain the FBI tour was "OVERRUN WITH PAIN IN THE ASS ENGLISH TUORISTS." There was some Engish people in the next booth and Gramps said it loud enuogh for them to hear.

The old bastord hasnt ben to Washington in years and he also mentioned all the homeless people including veterans who slept almost right infront of the White House.

As you know Granfathor is a Democrat and his brothers are Republicons and they fight incesantly about politics. Granps says the homeless veterans are the Rebuplicans fault. Then my Uncle says that the USA is the only countrey in the world where a draft dodgor is in the White House and a war hero has to sleep out in front in a cardboard box. This is a sore point cause my uncle foght in WW2 while granps unsucesfully treid 4 times to dodge draft in the Koraen War till the militery police snagged his misorable yellow carcass. Granfather threw the basket of bread at him and my Uncle moved out of the way an Granps said YOU DONE DODGED THAT THAR GOOD, ZEKE and the voices started to get louder as tempers flaired and i said PLEASE DONT FIGHT! The manager came over and told them to quit it or wed all 3 get thrown out of there on our asses.

This is the reason why I dont get involved in politicol isseus: My stupid dysfunctonol family. Granfather starts braggin to his brother that he is more informed than him anyway: He started rambling incoherently about how he gets on the internet all the time and has acess to all the latest politicol scandols, true or not. My uncle was NOT inpressed.

What is intresting is that Granps and his brothers are switched on a few isseus--Although he is a Demacrat, Granfather is agianst aborton and also against Youthenasia--only because he feels that he woud of been a victim of one in the past and fears being a victom of the other in the future.

Meanwhile his brothers are FOR both of those--and as you can immagine, it is for the reverse reasons. Uncle Zeke calls granfather 'The Postor Boy for Yuothenasia' and says that the only saving grace of letting the hideous grusome old bastord beast contineue to survive is the hopes that Michigan will leagolize Youthenasia in which case Granfather can be used in future comercials for Dr. Kevorkein and maybe even Dr. Kevorkian woud pay our family money to license granfathers face as a logo for his practice.

An concerning abbortion, Uncle Zeke always used to tell me and my brother, "For a word thet genorally werent spoked much back thar in the 1930's it shore were bandied about our parts a bunch, an' it didnt let up till yer old Granpap were nigh three months old."

I am clumsey

Finaly they stop fighting. We all ordered the pot roast and it came with that orangey meat sauce and like a clumsey jerk I spilt my glass of water into Granfathers plate and mine also. Granfather smacked me on the back of my head. I know. I probly deserved it. But i am gettin a little too big to be gettin hit in public.

I sopped up the wator off my dish with napkins. Granfather peers at his dish with this pevverted gleam in his eye then reaches in his shirt to pull out that drainage tube from his lung and he lays it right in his danm plate. Then with one fingor up his nose he makes his head & neck and his back real stiff and with this awful sucking noise slowly vacumes up the brothy water. How the hell he didnt drown is beyond me but somhow he forced it up his traichea and a little bit of it started trickling out his nose but most of it he was acumulating in his mouth cause his cheeks swelled and then he gulped it down his throat. Uncle Zeke harshly told granfather to STOP THAT NOW and he also told granfather that he is an embarasment to his family. Then my Uncle got up to go to the restroom.

Granfather leaned foward and said WATCH THIS, BOY and then he plopped his rubber tube in Uncle Zekes coffe cup siphoned off the top half inch and said HMM...DECAF, ARABBICA.

My uncle comes back to the booth and then sends his coffe back cause there's this oily slick on it plus he doesnt know how it coud get rancid so quickly. Granfather quietly snorts aprovingly and pokes me under the table.

The 2 old gents start discussin their brother's estate and this is even before he is dead. Now the tempers are rising again. Both of them want to inherint Uncle Williams colectibles. Both men are kind of greedy and perhaps Uncle zeke is just as greedy but just hides his raw emotions better than Granfather. Then my uncle gets up to take another whiz.

Uncle Zeke has prostrate truoble

The poor man has to take a leak every 15 or 20 minutes. He usualy has a "motorman's helper" under his pants but it broke during his scuffel with Granfather back in the hospitol.

Granps is still miffed he coudnt have more creammed spinach and pulls out his tube again and noodles it into Uncle Zeke's helping and with a hideous screeching noise starts slourping it up. It was much louder than when it was just the coffee because its much more thicker. Granfathers whole body was counvulsing and the sound was like that freight train chugga-lugging noise on one of those strong toilats in a public restroom when the water in the bowl makes the final turn down and your holdin your foot on the lever to keep it in that position: you know the noise. The people inthe other booths were all watching.

I am acused of LYEING