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Mid-April 1997 Update

Page 4 of 5

No where else to stay

I led out the 2 old farts and we sat on the curb and then I went back to the restuarant and got 2 big black coffees. By the time I came back Uncle Zeke and Granfather were sittin there queitly squatted down smokin cigars and talkin about the weather and also things like how amazing that young Tiger Woods is like nothin hapenned. This is the way it is with my sick family. And they wondor why my dad changed his name.

My Uncle mutters that we might as well go stay at his house for the next 2 days before our flight back. Its like 3 hours away but by this time Uncle Willian was sick of us all (especialy Granfather) and said when he was ready to die hed call us and tell us.

Where my uncle lives

He is a misorable batchelor and he lives in a small house thats so old you cant even tell what color it was ever painted and inside its very dark and real smelly. Its near the shore maybe just a few miles away and when we were kids me and my brothor used to spend a few weeks each year there and it looks suprizingly like where I now live with Granfather: A bunch of dillapidated buildings barns and sheds that are fallin apart and a yard loaded with colectible crap mountans of scrap metol garbage and junk just like Granfather. Except its hidden by pine trees and bushes.

When we got there it was very late. The ride out there was rathor uneventful ecxept for a minor incident when granfathor peered at the awful teethmark he put on his brothers neck, and anounced loudly to break the silence: LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOME HICKY THERE, BRO! SOME PURTY YOUNG GAL YOU A-COURTIN' BACK HOME DONE GIVE YOU THET THERE LOVE BITE?

Boy did he look pissed. But thankfuly a new brawl was avverted.

More truoble for me and my job

The next day I got in a argeument with my uncle becuase he woud NOT let me jack into his phone with my laptop to do my remote work I had to do for my job in Texas. The only reason i was able to go East with Granfather was so i coud do my work. Granfather started yellin because he wanted to get on the net too. But Uncle Zeke knows NOTHIN about the internet and he told me that if I used the internet from his house he saw on CNN that a "virus" woud get in his phone. I explained that a virus from the web coud NOT hurt his phone but he didnt belive me.

So this meant too that I also didnt have time to finish my Netly News colunm. I had to call the editor I deal with there and tell him. He was a real pain in the ass abbout it too. Plus Uncle Zeke made me call Netly colect and the editer didnt like that eithor. Bein an internet colunmist is NOT workin out that good as the way Id thuoght.

My greatast fear

I dont like to talk about it but the thing i am most affraid of in the whole world is CATS. I am also EXTREMLY alergic to them. Many of my readers like cats-Please dont hate me becuase I dont like cats. It is more fear than dislike. i wish I did like cats but i cant. Not only do I get a bad rash when im near them they scare the friggin hell out of me. My Uncle has 17 cats and many of them are missing tailes eyes and ears. The whole house ovorwelmingly reeks of rancid piss.

The next night during supper this big skinny grey cat named Albert was sittin there on the breakfront staring at me. He was so big and skinney it looked more like a greyhound than a cat. He atcually made his mouth in this hideous "O" shape and cried. Granfather looked back at the cat cackling and laughing and cryed back at it. I said to my uncle what the HELL does that danm cat want. He said he wanted some of the food in my dish so my uncle atcualy put his gigantic hornynailed hand in my plate and took a peice of meatloaf out of it and tossed it in the other room.

It was disgusting but atleast Albert got the hell out of there to chase aftor the meat. When he jumped off and his big paws plompted onto the floor the whole room shook. He had like eihgteen toes on each front paw too, at least it looked it. A big white fluffey cat with brown runny syruppy crap around his eyes imediatly asummed the position on the breakfront. This one kept bobbin his head like he had a hairboll in his throat that upon its own volition wanted to come up but that the cat wanted to keep down. At one point granfather had 2 cats on his part of the table and one more on his lap sharing his meal with him. Real appatizing ambiance to comploment the dining expereince letme tell you.

Abuot 5 minuts later i coud of swore that someone was sprinkling dirt on me from behind. So i ignoared it. Then i see some dirt go right ovor my shouldor into the dish and when i turn around i see just a foot away Albert is crapping in a jade plant and kickin up dirt and vermiculite right friggin onto me. Right as I sit there eating.

The whole danm house has cat piss and crap evereywhere.

And also no mattor where you are on the sprauwling junk stroon compound that Uncle Zeke calls home you are inhailing cat hair and you are also within earshot of cats fighting, houwling, humping, or all 3 of those activoties all at the same time. That night i coudnt sleep at all from sneezing and also the danm cats kept jumpin on my bed, even tryin to get under the covors.

Cats kept jumping up. Cats kept jumpin down. Cats kept chasin eachother. All of it fast and with no warning. It was like the danm Chigoco Bulls were playing in the same room with us. In the moonlihgt I see 3 pair of scary eyes sittin on the dresser and also the chair where i had my clothes. i woke up in the middle ofthe night when one of the danm cats was growling and diggin his claws in my back & I started screaming. Granfather was in the room and he woke up too. He told me that the cat wasnt growling he was purring which meant he liked me. And also when they dig there claws in your back thats called 'making bread' and it also means the cat likes you even more.

No liqour in this house

This was the 4th time i woke up screaming and Granfather was very pissed about it cause his brother keeps no alchohol in the house which the evil beast normaly needs to help him sleep. Granfather told me in his most demonic threatening tone of voice that if I distourbed his sleep ONE MORE TIME hed jump on me faster than he jumped on Uncle Zeke back at the motel and reach his skinny arm down my throat so far that in one piece hed pull out my whole lowor bowel which then he woud wrap around my neck in an exact scale repplica of the symbol used to currently represent the artist formerly known as Prince.

So you bettor beleive i stayed pretty danm still.

I learn a fammily secret