Walter Miller's Homepage

I just know that if i stick it out long enuogh, there will be an IPO comming out of it somwhere.

Late Febuary 98 Update

Page 7 of 7

When i got home, it was very late, and Granfather was in a pissed mood. His violent mucusy hickups were louder than ever. Plus he was angry and cursing. He told me why he was so mad: That the female Bob Barker, (who by this time he had now had his 2nd date with in the past few days), was suspicouis that Granpy was indeed NOT a vegotarien.

I asked him how this coud of happaned, and he told me that he'd been flossing his teeth ovor at her place (He is now into flossing, as you coud immagine), and after he finished he left some steak bits on her bathroom mirror. This is how repulsively disgousting and utter lacking in shame Granfather is: He KNOWS he leaves bits of food on the mirrer, and yet he dosent change his behhavoir.

"WE NEED NEW PLANS TO MAKE ME APPEAR ANIMAL FREINDLY," he said. Granfather told me that after the weekend, my job was to get a bucket and pail and to go out and wash all 13 of our dogs, who were gettin quite dirtey and greasy. As you know our dogs have patchey bald spots from poor diet, and so Junior woud be coming over later with a few cans of that dark sprey that looks like brown Silly String that you see on infomercials that people sprey on there bald spots.

MEBBE WE'LL SAVE A CAN FER YOU BOY, SINCE YOURE NEEDIN' IT LATELY, the bastord cruelly said, pointing to my vannishing pate.

Granfather also told me to take speciel care while washing the dog named Janet, because her leg likes to wiggle in tandem with when you scratch or scrub her, and to be carefull she dont kick you in the face by misteak. And also to watch Nemo, who lately tries to hump aneyone who gets too near.

Poor twisted sexauly dysfuntionol frustratted danm dogs.

I dont know why I did--mabye I wanted to punish myself--but I told the bastord about my date. I thoght he woud mock me and make fun of me, but instead he commforted me and even cheered me up bit. He said that I coud use him as an excuse for a "FRESHLY DEAD GRANDPAP" any time I wanted. He also told me that if he shoud sudenly die while I happan to be out on a date, that he gives his express permission that he does not excpect me to end the date, unless there is absolutly no chance that i will get laid that night.

I also told him abuot the chip

He also told me that when I get older and more sure of myself, and God forbid somthing like that woud happan agian, that i will have the mature self-confidence and wearwithall to spontanneously make up some joke like, "THET THAR IS A SIGN OF MY LOVE," or else say, "JUST LEAVIN' MY MARKER, DARLIN'."

"TELL YOU WHUT I WOUD OF SAID IF IT WERE ME," said Granfather. He told me he woud of turned it arround to be somthing a romantic. Like casualy saying perhaps, "LETS MAYBE SEE IF THE GOOD HOME COOKIN' OF A PURTY GAL LIKE YOU CAIN'T GIT THE SIZE UP ON THE NEXT LITTLE FELLER WHO PLOPS OUT."

You woud think Granfather was tryin to be funny, but i know him, and he woud of tried to sell that bill of goods on a date. At least he were trying to cheer me up.

I thohgt what i was sayin was confodential: BUT NO

Around 8 the next morning I heard the bastord luaghin his ass off on the cellulor phone while wheelin around out in the yard on the phone talking to his derranged old Army pal in Oklohoma, "WALTER DONE LEFT A FLOATER AT SOME SWEET YOUNG THANG'S HOUSE LAST NITE."

I will get the Sonoffobbich-Bastord mutant elderley gorilla for this.

The Finol Date

I will not say much about the final date. Let us call her Susan, (not her real name). This may of been the worst of all. I knew it woud be so bad because of how smoothley things went at first--I liked her reply to my note, and the phone call was short but it went great. She didnt send a picture but said she woud meet me at the entrence of this restuarant which was abuot an hour away from where I lived, wearing a red outfit and a black purse. So i get there right on time and park the car and start walking toword the entrence. The parking lot was full of cars, but was conpletely empty of people. But i did hear someone walking, and it sounded like womon's shoes. I see about 30 feet away this realy hot lookin babe who fit the descritpion, who i was hopeing was her. She was too far for me to call out to, so I waved, but she didnt see me.

Sudenly she was gone. I coudnt see her aneywhere. The whole place was silent. i turned arround, and then i heard the sound of shoes again, this time it was right behind me. So I quickley turned arround the othor way, and imediatly the sound stopped. I didnt see anyone. This was realy weird. So what was going on, was i seeing things? I stood in the same spot for 5 minuts and didnt move, but just scanned the sea of cars for movement.

Sudenly again, i turned around, heard shoes quickley moving, and thoght i saw a flash of red, and as soon as i turned to look, the sound stopped and the flash was gone. I was starting to think somthin fishy was going on. I noticed my shoe was untied so I bent to tie it, and then I noticed, mabye 20 feet away down the skinny aisle betweean the rows of cars, a pair of crouched stockinged womon's legs, with a hand beside it gripping a black purse. She was motionless. I cleared my throat, and staying crouched, she abruptley turned, and I saw half of her eye for a second.

I crouched down too. Then I looked undorneath the car next to me to see her slowley inch her way down the aisle, like a frightented trench soldier trying to avoid the enemey. Susan must of seen me when i first got out of the car, and descided (like so many womon do) that I was not for her, and then treid to ditch me beffore the date started. I'd thoght about calling out to her, "OK, GAME OVER, YOU CAN GO HOME NOW," but i never did. I stayed in the spot for anothor 5 minuts without moving, and finaly i heard the screech of rubber and saw her in her little car take off so fast it looked like the car rounded the exit of the parkin lot on 2 wheels.


After the 2 dates, of course I gave a full report to Cathy, (my former babysittor, the first womon i went on a date with). She had promised to give me advice based on my post-mortem acounts of the othor dates I had lined up. She was suposed to be helping me, but insted I got a lecture from her. She is a bossy pain in the ass. I treid to explain that the chip in the bowl, and later, the ditch in the lot, were NOT my fault. We got in a big fight on the phone. Later, she atcualy tracked down my brothor in California and told him that "Walter has allot of problems, and we all haveto help." Then she left a four minute rambolling message on our answoring machene, where just beffore the tape ran out she suggests that I need another lesson in how to kiss. Not on my danm life i tell you, and Granfather actualy heard the tape and luaghed his ass off, and while I was outside washing the stupid dogs, who like their grisly master, howled at the thuoght of soap and water, the old bastord wheeled up to the trailer window and blasted the phone message tape at me over and over on speakorphone. Nemo was NOT behaiving while I was washing him and the next time the vetorinarien has a Two-For-One Put Your Pets to Sleep special, I am taking both him and Granfather down.

Atention all women:

Please do not contact me for a date. I have now descided to be a monk.


Next time, i will write about his next intestinol experriment: It is more horroble than floss.