Walter Miller Homepage Christmas 96 Extra

Granfathers Gift wish list

Tony Robins Tapes

For years now granfathers hurled abuse (as well as tobaco juice and wet lung meat) at the TV whenever a Tony Robins self-help infomerceil is on. Usualy the old basterds angry at the whole world but in the case of Mr Robins its due to jeolosy. Yes the green eyed monstor rears his ugly head--(and next to granfather that monster dont look so bad)

He calls him 'Ken Doll' and 'Mr Horse Teeth' and makes hideous equine noises atthe sight of him. If the infomerciel is 30 minutes long then theres 30 minuts of spine courdling horse whinnies. He also says HES HAD SO MANY FACELIFTS I BET HE HASTO SHAVE BEHIND HIS EARS.

Granfathers NOT impresed that Robens owns an island in Figi--granfather says he too owns a island in Texas whenever it rains real hard on the same day our cesspool overflows and all the liqoud fills the ditches around the proporty our trailor sits on. It hapens twice a year.

But as old age mellows him the old coot admits his envy of the handsom sucesful man--instead of beating him he wants to join him. Yes now the beasts into self help.

I CAN BE MORE OF WHUT I AM granfather proclaims when the shows on. I AM INPORTANT. IAM SOMBODY he screams. He sounds like a frigin cross between Jessy Jackson and Stuart Smalley.

He poked me with his cane hollerin the other day: MAKE SHORE SANTA GITS ME THEM NEW TONY ROBINS TIME MANAGMENT TAPES, Y'HEAR ME BOY? Yeah right. Granfather DOSENT need time managment. Heres a curent acount of each hour of his precoius day: Unless punctuated by instances of me changin his diaper or haulin him up on the crapper, his full packed daily schedoule consists of watchin TV all day sittin on his bony ass.

a custom Chia Pet

The old troll is really gettin one this year--from me. When i was about 8 and the Chia pets first came out my folks were in a bad car aciddent. The monster flew in and stayed with us in Califonia takkin care of me and my brother for 6 weeks.

While he was there he buoght a whole case of Chia pet packs and mixed it in a pail with some vermiculite and had us smear it all over his rancid body with a wooden paddle and then wrapped himself in huge stripps of burlap and then slathered on anothor layer of Chia muck. It was a week before Holloween. You know he never bathes. Prety soon the stuff was growin evrywhere even his balls. He was a living frikkin Chia pet.

My brother played hooky the day our school had there Holaween costume contest so I took Granfather to school and said he was my brothor. He won first prize but he smeled so bad we were sent home. It was the closest thing to a happy memory i EVER had of the old basterd.

Well 2 months ago I found a huge terracotta gargoyel in a catalog that looks JUST LIKE GRANFATHER and i ordered it and drilled it full of small holes. Its in the toolshed now and will be in full Chia bloom by Christmos. The old guys goingto love it.

That year as soon as my mom was well enuogh to get around she made us spray granfather with herbocide and made him sleep in our treehouse.

The Sports Ilustrated Ass Phone

YES I know theres no such thing. Try telling the old basterd. Each year granfather orders Spourts Ilustrated just to get the free premuims. You know those anoying 3 minute comercials with preppy prissy actors in crewcuts and butten down sweators that keep wagging the Swimsiut Issue in your face. Ecxept for the Swinsuit isseu granfather never reads the magozine. He just orders it for the free phone.

One year he ordered it just to get the Football Phone. The folowwing year he got it JUST to get the Sneaker Phone. He was so happy cause as he said to me: NOW I CAN USE MY SNEAKOR PHONE TO KICK MY FOOTBALL PHONE. Of cuorse the natoral progresion of things is for Sports Ilustrated to make an Ass Phone so the football phone has somewhere to go after the sneaker phone kicks it. This is the way grandfathers twisted diabolocol vituperously pevorted mind works. The closest thing the old letch saw to it was somthing he picked up at Adultdex: a disgustin plastic premium for a naughty website. Not exacly an Ass Phone but close.

More of its A Wondorful Life

They just dont air granfathers favrite holiday program enough (beside the Grinch). It used to be on 20 times a day till Ted Torner bougt it and limited its airings. Gramps favorite scene: Tword the end when Nick sprays Mr Gower with the seltzer. Granfather sprays from his mouth the same volume of spit RIHGT AT ME. Mean basterd.

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