Walter Miller Homepage Christmas 96 Extra

Granfathers Gift wish list

A new modem

My 14.4 modem shorted out cause Uncle Edword spilled bourbon and strauberry Snapple on it durin his visit and now im using a damn 2400 buad as a backup.All i will say about it is this: Our web conection is now slower than granfathers bowwels back when he ate that giant Reagan-era cheese i wrote about.

A geust shot on Xena

Granfathers latest favourite Action Pack show: Zena the warrier Princess. Oh he still likes Hercoules but Xena is his babe. They were runnin a contest where a luckey person gets to go to New Zaeland to be an extra on the show. The old basterd sent in 4000 postcards. But he didnt get picked. Granfather claims he coud be on the show as eithor a ragged beggar from a small town or a hideous monstor or an evil Greek god or deity. (Id say in reallife hes a little bit of all 3 atcually) Also he wants to punch the guy who plays Salmonius in the nose cause he says hes a pain in the ass.

The Xenamania in our dysfunctoinol home hit a new low last week: Normally granfather and the old wench REALLY get into the show. Whenever theres a fight scene they hoot and hollor and make those highpitched trilling yipping noises that Zena does and twerling around broom handles and snappin a leathor dogleash they have (dont ask) like a whip and pretend to get into the action.

Also, do you know the circulor metal thing Xena throws at her enemeis? Well granfather sits on a plastic ring-pamper that goes over the toilet so his skinny ass dosent fall in the bowl. He takes this stained sotted ring and huorls it around the trailor knockin over lamps.

Well the other night they sent me to get the oil changed in the car, but they were closed so I came home early. They THOGHT id be gone atleast an hour but when i came in the 2 lascivvious eldorly folks were dressed (or shoud I say NOT REALY) in what can olny be called peroid costumes circa 1300 B.C. as the title charoctors of the Zena and Herculles shows. And lets just say that Granfathor was suspicously NOT dressed like the masculline of those two.

They were in the kitchon when cought in the act and scramboled around and various items from the kitchon drawes and racks were not in there proper places. That nihgt after the old hoe went home during granfathors bath i noticed a swerled burn on his left asscheek the exact size and dimmensions of the upper right burnor coil on our electric range. The old basterd imediatly claimed it was a birthmark. Yeah right.

Granfather begged me: PLEASE WALTER DONT PUBLOSH THIS INCODENT ON THE INTERNET. I thouht about his plea and then consiiddered how him and the old bitch had been treatin me: makkin fun of me and callin me names and lyeing to my folks and makkin me cry. Well geuss what gramps:


An I.P.O.

Yes the old basterd has dellusoins of grandeor and one of them is to be a kingpin in the online industrey. Hes convinced that Walter Miller(R) Homepage Produtcions(TM) shoud GO PUBLIC and sell stock. I said to granfather that all we have is two PCs a dot mattrix printor a power strip with dryed tobbaco jiuce on it and a 2400 modem. Plus a pile of stuff i wrote. He hollared at me THATS ALL YAHOO AND WIRED HAD DAMMIT AND THEYRE IPO MATERIAL

Uh well mabye they had a LITTLE more than that. He did make an intresting point thouogh: Our zero ammount of reveneu against AOLs recent loss atcually puts us financialy ahead of that online giant. Still the old monster has dreams of bein stinking filthey rich. Atleast as of now hes 2 out of 3: Stinkin and filthy.

Howwevor, somthing for pottential investors to consider: Like the humor around here, expenses are low, and YES were runnin in the black. (And a check of granfathers skivvies show were also runnin in various shades of the brown and yelloew as well).


I apollogize it took me so long to get my mid-Decembor update up. Partly its cause of my brokken modem. (Yes please dont forget we are poor roural people many miles from the nearest CompUSA).

But right after Christmas and before newyears I will put up my JANAURY 1997 UPDATE. It will tell all abuot my Christmas holiday and i promise it will be wourth the wait.

Heres Hopping Santa comes thruogh this year,
and to you and your familly from our dysfuntional one:MERRY CHRISTMAS HAPPY HANNUAKAH HAPPY NEWYEAR

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