Walter Miller Homepage

On the internet, faithfulness counts for more than sucess. (Profits woudnt be so bad eithor)

Page 5 of 7

Yes, yet annothor corporate RE-ORGANNIZATION.

I dont know abbout where you work, but at this place where i work, the company known as 'Cyberblop', there are lots of re-orgs. Every time they have one not only are people shuffoled arround, some peoplle allways lose their jobs. Cyberblop has two major kinds of re-orgs: The Surgicol Strike and the Extinction Level Event of Mass Destruction.

The second of these is easy to figoure out. They just lay off half the peoplle there. They usualy have to call in outside securitty guards, because, statistically, there's allways some angry guy who's wife is ready to give birth who just cant aford to get canned, or some hothead buzzing on black cofee or some shrill banshee type who'se husbend is a lawyer ready to make a scene.

Another reasen for increased security: In certian parts of the countrey many people are armed. Hey you never know. Ive been canned in California beffore, and the money thats normolly spent on Securitey Guards here is spent over there on extra crisis counselors. This way, when you are handed your ass you can walk out of there California-style, where you at least are still able to feel good abbout yourself.

In the surgicol Strike kind of Re-org, well, just think of the Mafia. Always do what the boss says, and allways watch your back. Somtimes you will get wacked and it will not be your fault. Sometines you are the victim of someone else's boss, who is knockin you off just to send a messege to YOUR boss.

No mattor what hapenns, no one will say aneything after you are gone, and if they do, it will be in hushed tones. Your bloodied corpse, sprauwled there on the floor, or in a barbor shop chair or across a plate of spagetti will be rememmbered by all those who remain.

OK I am going off on a tangent.

As i was writting this I started to keep track of all the diferent types of Reorgs I was familior with. And beffore I knew it, I filled up the whole rest of this page. I geuss if I was still writting my weekly Netly News colunm, this woud of been a good article on the internet industrey. But I geuss not -- since of cource by now they too have Reorg'ed me out of a job.

Othor types of Internet and New media industrey-type Re-orgs I have witnesed or experrienced:

(If this stuff bores you--no mattor what browsar you use--please scrole down and I appolloggize for the diversion.)

The Test Balloon re-org

Each week, for abbout two months preceeding an upcomming massive layoff, one or two peoplle are layed off here and there. This is done merely to test the reaction of the workors. Somtimes management does this to give the rest of the staff the hint to get there ass out of there before the big Extinction Level Event occurres. Ironicaly, what allways hapens is, the best people who CAN get other jobs do, while the losers like me hang on. Management ends up losing some of their best peopple while being forced to keep more of their worst people.

The Stealth Re-org

Managment denies that there are layoffs at all, but even still, a handfull of people are let go each month. They keep tellin the staff that, "Yes, Joe and Mary left. Mabye they got better jobs, mabye worse jobs: We just dont know. But one thing is sure: THERE ARE NO LAYOFFS!"

The fact is that individuols contineu to silently disappear into the night one by one, like victims to a mad slasher in some awful horror film set in a girls dormotory.

The Cahoots Layoff

Only in the profitless world of New Media does this one happan: Its Your final "alliance" with management -- when they aproach you to join them in one last ecxercise of dishonest internet industry hype: A giant lie.

Yes, in the old days, the people being fired used to lie to their freinds and collegues, and say, "Oh no, i wasnt fired, I QUIT that zoo." Meanwhile Joe and Mary were really asked by management NOT to say that they were fired, and to say that they realy quit, as not to set off panic ammongst other workers, and especialy their Venture capitol investors. Somtimes they even hold freindly, kissy-face press events to showcase these layoffs to the media.

The All ABOAARD! Re-org

There are one or two idiots who Management wants to get rid of for a long time. Oh, they can keep them if they have to, but they REALY want them out of there. But firing them will look conspicuous. It may open them up for a wrongfull dischardge lawsuit. And so, they just wait untill more peoplle screw up. Till they have a whole boxcar full -- mabye six, or eihgt or ten people. So they can then have a respectabble layoff like the rest of Corporrate America does.

The Water torture re-org

This is a place that never likes to fire peoplle. So instead, they shame you into leaving. They give you less and less work until they hope you disapear. They do things like give everryone in the office a big Holiday bonus except you. Youre the only one who dosent get a new nameplate for your door, or a new conputer. I worked at a place once where they atcually took my office door off its hinges, and moved a Snapple machine in there next to my desk. They reasign your parking space. You get a raise of point-zero-zero-five percent, which is so mutch more worse than no raise at all. They lock you out of the lan, then take away your phone and your PC, and give you houmiliating things to do insteadd like clean the bathroom and go to the McDonolds 18 miles away every day with 54 diferent orders.

I am proud to say i that have nevor lost a war of wits with mannagement on this one. I am incappable of on-the-job houmilliation becuase I have had so much of it. They ALWAYS end up surrendering to me. And finaly telling me to leave.

The Nice Guys finish Last Reorg.

Only the nice people are layed off. (OK, I admit it, some nice people are incompettent), but any equaly or better skilled worker with a sheepish personallity or nice atittude is canned over those who are creeps. Yes, all the complainors, buttwipes with bad atittudes, and crybabies are kept.

Why? Complainors simply stand upfor themselfs. They are veiwed as being less likely to sue. Think abbout it: Whiners and complainners usualy negotiate more money coming in. So they are more likeley to negotaite more money going out. Since they are allways 'looking out for Numbor one' (and that means Themselves and not the company), they constantley scream for raises or promottions while nicer peoplle sit on their ass doing thier job while putting their hopes in an old fashionned work ethic that dosent exist anymore.

Nice guys are expendabble but a complainor is simply a pain in the ass who managment woud rather have inside the tent pissing out than outside pissing in.

The Stock Theator Reorg

There is an all hands staff meeting, and the doors are locked. One guy is ellected from mannagement to share the bad, (um, no, make that the good news), yes, the GOOD NEWS!

The guy they allways choose to head the meeting has the same exact fake smiley face of the guy who stands in front of the a Thai brothel and hollars at you while you pass down the street "Ah, You handsome man like girlie!" and the same ecaxt voice of the guy who calls selling alunimum siding just when you are eatin supper or are readdy to take a crap.

And what he tells you is this: the good news is that we are serrious about business arround here. And that is why we have to cut people's pay down, oh, twenty...thirty...fiftey percent!

But wait! There's more! Insteadd of pay, you get stock, oh BOY, MORE stock! Stock for the futture for when we go public! Yes, and the more money you defray, the more stock you get! If you give up ALL your pay, they will DOUBEL the stock: You will sureley be a smart milionaire tomorow instead of a stupid thousanddaire today.

Most peoplle take the minumum pay cut, but a few take the risk of the Big Kahuna. After abbout two weeks of this, they quit. Net result: Management efectively identiffies their stupidest employees, and eliminates them -- and aftor getting thier workers to pay THEM a two week's severence.

The L.I.F.O re-org

LIFO stands for "last-in, first out." Normaly these reorgs are found only in the very biggest, most stuppidest companies. It is when you are reorged out after being on the job, mabye a week or 10 days -- not even near bieng able to collect unemploymant insurance. Somtimes you havent even been even hired yet. This hapenned last year to a freind of my Dads: He got the job offor letter in writing, and so he quit his job, sold his house, put a bid on anothor house 1,000 miles a way, had his wife quit her job, took his kids out of school, and a week before he moved the job offor was withdrawrn because of a company memo that efectively moved the date of a "Hiring Freeze" up by one month.

When he thretenned to sue them, the company said "Fine, we'll hire you but then we'll lay you off on your first day." People are enbarassed to talk abbout it, but this crap hapens more ofton than you think.

The Youre Fat and Ugly reorg

I knew a guy once who got fired becuase people were tired of lookin out there office windows at him heftin across the center courtyard like a sweaty pig. i knew anothor guy who bought it becuase he ate with his moulth open. Even when he was all alone in the caffeteria. True story. I knew a womon who canned becuase some high-up muckity muck there coudnt take the sound of her voice. Also I knew a mannager who fired a guy who worked for him becuase he wanted that guy's realy cool Toshiba laptop. The manneger coudnt requisition one for himself and so the guy got canned. Then it turns out the guy had owned the Toshiba and broght it from home each day. The managor said afterword: "Whoops!"

A probblem I have in my life is concentraiting on my work at hand and so once agian I apologize for going off on a tangent. Some peoplle think it is a writer's gift to be able to shift gears. For me it is just a lack of organnization and a serrious aproach to my work. I atcually happan to be a very crappy writer, so I am told. Also (and it is painfull to admitt this), but I am feelin pretey bad abbout gettin re-orged YET AGIAN. My feelings are coming thruogh here and i am not proud of them. I do not like bein treated bad at work. I am just human.

How I survived this latest cyberblop re-org