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By the time we got back to Junior's house the old coot was back to his old cruel self: Not being able to shut up. I had to hear his danm diatribe on relationshipps, as if he was Dear Abby and had all the answors. Granfather told me that he didnt realy feel so bad becuase, there isnt an argument in the world where a man ever got "the last word in" with a woman. Becuase whatevor he ever says at the end of an argument is atcually the first word of the new arguement.
Junior had the grill going in the backyard and Cathyann and DuWayne were alredy there drinkin beer while balancing these little leaky papper plates of greasy pottato salad on their chubby knees while both tryin to balance their ample asses on one lawn chair.
Junior was frying up some of those vegetarien burgers which contain no meat. Even thuogh he was stuffed with fried corn puffs Granfather ate 3 patties and said, "DAMN, THESE TASTE NASTY."
"I WISH OPRAH WOUD COME BACK TO TEXAS AN' SAY SOMTHIN' BAD ABOUT THESE HERE!"
But Cathyann said she liked them and was eatin them all week. Junior said he didnt mind them neithor. And DuWayne murmered in his low voice that his nose was so snogged up lately he coudnt taste nothin, but they did mash up nice in his moulth.
I said Granfather, she was NEVOR my girlfreind! But that didnt stop him from continuouly humilliating me.
I have a large nose to begin with and also you know how when you are in the Seventh Grade how big your feet and nose grow out of propportion on a boy. Well aneyway in my Class Pitcure that year I acidentaly flaired my nostrals just as they snapped the photo. Beleive me whan I say that even without flaring my nostrils open, my danm honker looked like a two car garage from head on that year. Well anyway (in addition to allot of cruel, mean abusive names I endured my whole life) I was known as "The Prophet Nostrildamus" all the way till high school.
"HEY NOSTRILDAMUS!" the beast mocked. "TELL US THE FUTURE!"
I was so danm pissed.
I said "OK, here it is: Lookin into my crystol ball i see The Shady Rest Nursing home, and a scandol involving a missing needle and a dead patient."
That shut his ass up.
Cathy Ann exploaded in a barky laugh, while DuWayne mumbled, "I don't git it."
Junior, from the way he acted, atcualy thoght i had the power to tell the future.
But even still i was so upset and embarassed at what Granfather said about this crule childhood nickname that I excused myself and went inside the house. Junoir called out to me "Wait! Dont!" like he was tryin to tell me somthing, but i didnt pay atention.
"My daughter done taught me this trick," she chirped. "We ain't got no air conditioner at our place...
"Oooh! It feels purty! An' these here new models don't harm the ozone none!"
Well, I wasnt so sure abuot THAT, but i didnt want to say nothin. I murmored somthin about having to go to the bathroom. As soon as I was in there, I cleaned my hand off with some strait Hydrogan Peroxide I found in the medicine cabbinet.
Back out in the yard Junior whispored that he was tryin to tell me that Mrs. so-and-so was inside "coolin off her ladylike parts." She finaly came outside too, and still grinning toothlessly, anounced to all the guests that, "This time o'year, you kin warsh, and warsh, and WARSH ALL DAY, but no matter: You still always feel a speck stinky, I tell you whut."
Still gripping the hem of the housedress makin a few last fluffs with one hand, she reached for a meatless burger with the othor, while DuWayne, stairing blankly into space, and out loud to no one in particulor muttered, "I dont rightly mind stinky. If'n a body cain't hep it."
"NOW GO IN JUNIOR'S FRIDGE AN' GIT ME A BEER. BEFORE I TELL ALL THESE HERE FOLKS HOW YOU WET THE BED TILL YOU WUZ TWELVE."
He yammored on and on about how if your gonna snag yourself a rommantic involvement with the Celestial Muffin tray female counterpart version of a famous contemporery politician, you cant do much bettor than the female James Carvile.
"YOU DON'T WANT NO FEMALE BILL CLINTON -- N'LESS YOU WANT A DANM HOE."
"AN' YOU DON'T WANT NO ICE COLD FISH AL GORE. (AS A WOMAN, THET IS. AND IF'N I WUZ A WOMON, PROBLY NOT AS A MAN, NEITHER)."
"AN' AS FAR AS THEM REPUBLICANS:
YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT NO PHONY BIG MOUTH FEMALE AL D'AMATO, OR SOME UGLY-ASS OL' SENATOR FRED THOMSON IN A DRESS, THET'S FER GOLLDANG SURE."
I went back into the house, this time to dial into my phonemail. I dont know what it is, but whenevor i am feeling worthless, I check my email and my phonemail.
Evereything adding up made me feel very depressed. I descided it was time for me to leave the cookout. I went off toword the car.
It was very quiet and no one said nothin and from where I stood, the only thing you coud hear was Granfather screaming his twistad philosophies out from way at the othor end of the yard, while other people tried to get there own two cents in as well. But you never can, becuase the domineering bastord never lets you.
"JUNIOR, YOU DUMB ASS!", I heard him howl.
"THE REGULAR JANET RENO IS THE FEMALE JANET RENO."
Poor Junoir looked away and hung his head in shame.
Also, at the foot of the road by the rurol route mailboxes, I saw that woman who was our nieghbor. The lady who has all the troppicol birds.
He screams into the phone ovor and over:
She told me that there was an arrest warront sworn out for the bastord's capture. That made TWO warrents in this week alone, each for sepparate charge. The othor charge was for crapping in the County Clerk's shoes. They way i see it, why dont they just put the beast in the danm zoo.
She was screamin at ME like it was my fault, and while I sympothized with her, there was nothing I coud do abbout it. Yes, I too am a Granfather Survivor.
But it was too earley in the morning to hear his cheerful screeching into the scratchey microphone of the bus's public adress system. I geuss if I was makin as much money as him, I woud of at least made one "Hip!"
The next speakor was this even stupider Cyberblop Public Rellations guy. I woud bet he is the last remaining persen in the Internet industry who still wears a business suit to work. He reminded us of all these stupid things, like, to be sure not to eat all the finger food at the Rollout, because that was all brouhgt there for the guests. And also to SMILE!
Also, we all were all instructed to say nice things abbout Cyberblop, and diferent things to diferent guests: For exampol, if we met some young content developer types, we were suposed to say how "cool" and "kickass" a company we were. And if it hapanned to be a member of the press, we were to answor all qeustions by saying: NO COMMENT.
The third persen to talk was Combover, from Payroll. (Thats not his real name, but they call him that behind his back becuasse he has the most incredibol combover you ever saw.)
I cant bellive what kindof crap they are pulling now