Walter Millers Hompage

We're more dysfunctonol than the Royal family and probly almost better lookin than Prince Charls

Mid-Feb 97 Update

Page 3 of 7

Ive now in my entire life seen 2 nakad women in person. The first was about 3 months ago (granfathers waffly girlfreind). Old Howord Sternface here was the 2nd. A week later I still have nightmaires that Im James and the Giant peach livin in a trailer with Aunt Sponge, Aunt Spikker AND granfather.

Unlike the cruel waffly girlfrend this old crone at least apolagized, then ran out of the room & got dressed. Then she drove off. Granfather heard what hapened and luaghed his ass off.

I went back in my room to work on my corespondence. Theres always ALOT of mail comin to and I try to answor it all. Somtimes i get behind--so bear with me I will reply. I sort it all first: People with advice, or jokes, general fan mail, Wedgie Page rellated mail, etc. (And by the way speakin of gettin 'behind' I hear you: A WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE IS COMIN UP SOON. Watch for it in a future update.)

I got one e-mail from this guy who wanted to interveiw me on the radio and mabey it would air on National Public Radio. Later that day I told granfather. He said ABSOLUTLY NOT YOUNG MAN being that I sonetimes exagerate. Also I might get flustored durin a live interview and say things over and over like "Um, Like, You Know, Like," or plus not talk clearly which is a problem for me. Or i might act silly or brag too much or do a fake James Bond voice: YES IVE DONE THIS. I can be irrosponsible plus i have a immauturity problem. Not only that Granfather doesnt want people to know where we live cause hes affraid somone will come & steal his 'valuble' colections of utter crap.

Well I told him that I am inproving ALL THE TIME from my problems and also Ive come a LONG WAY. He still said no. So we had a HUGE fight. As usual it started out with bolth of us hollerin at each other & ended with me cryin and him laughin his ass off in his evil blubering cackle.

A brush with death

2 hours later hes onthe couch watchin The Famly Channel an starts screamin C'MERE BOY I GOTTA GO. I said: NO take care of your self, Granfather. He began shreikin & havin convoulsions & sweating bad and I knew he had a blockage as he hadnt born fruit so to speak for 4 days an was yammerin on about how 'the contractions are now 30 seconds apart' so i carryed him in the bathroom.

Yet another disclaimor

I just read the Wired article with George Lucos-and i mean no copyrihgt infringment by this cause I know hes touchy about it, (but what the hell--the Spaceballs movie totaly ripped off HIS movie--and Mel Brookes made money off it and I havent yet made a damn dime off MY writing), and we STILL have the 1st Amendment in this countrey, so what the hell, ill tell you what granfather said: GET THE GOLDANG RUBOR GLOVE I FEEL LIKE I GOT THE DANM DEATHSTARR UP THERE.

The poor old bastord was in violant pain. I gave him a towel to bite down on and I hummed the Star Wars theme with him to help him along. Two times he said IM GOINGTO DIE WALTER. I started cryin. I hate the old bastords guts but i dont want him to die. I said 'I always wanted to tell you this Granfather but deep down i love you.' I felt his slimy undorbelly and thru his skin the giant load did feel like a large planetsize spaceship, but jagged--The Death Starr is round, I thoght.

Slowly it sourfaced and I said What the hell did you eat? I see silvory stuff.

Then i remembored all those Ramen Pride noodles that he eats RAW & also the unwrapped flavor packets still in the foil that he chews and even eats whole. He told me he ate 4 dozon packets. (This explains the dehhydrated shrimp i found on the lampshade when he sneezed on it plus in the bedsheets where he blows his nose: Anothor granfather-related mystory solved.)


I knew he was out ofthe woods once he started joking. Also when he got to the honkytonk 'bar scene melody' part of the StarWars theme. He loves to hum that part. When it finaly came out whole it wasnt the DeathStar at all; I tell you it was the danm Borg Vessel. Square, with all those bumpy metal egdes you know it hurt like hell comin out. When granfather finaly recovored enogh to talk his first words were IF THET THING WAS ANY BIGGER I COUD CLAIM IT ON MUH TAXES AS A DANM DEPENDENT

I sponged him off & gave him Pedialyte with vodka to replace his electrolites and put him to bed.

vile ungraitful beast