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Ive now in my entire life seen 2 nakad women in person. The first was about 3 months ago (granfathers waffly girlfreind). Old Howord Sternface here was the 2nd. A week later I still have nightmaires that Im James and the Giant peach livin in a trailer with Aunt Sponge, Aunt Spikker AND granfather.
Unlike the cruel waffly girlfrend this old crone at least apolagized, then ran out of the room & got dressed. Then she drove off. Granfather heard what hapened and luaghed his ass off.
I went back in my room to work on my corespondence. Theres always ALOT of mail comin to email@example.com and I try to answor it all. Somtimes i get behind--so bear with me I will reply. I sort it all first: People with advice, or jokes, general fan mail, Wedgie Page rellated mail, etc. (And by the way speakin of gettin 'behind' I hear you: A WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE IS COMIN UP SOON. Watch for it in a future update.)
I got one e-mail from this guy who wanted to interveiw me on the radio and mabey it would air on National Public Radio. Later that day I told granfather. He said ABSOLUTLY NOT YOUNG MAN being that I sonetimes exagerate. Also I might get flustored durin a live interview and say things over and over like "Um, Like, You Know, Like," or plus not talk clearly which is a problem for me. Or i might act silly or brag too much or do a fake James Bond voice: YES IVE DONE THIS. I can be irrosponsible plus i have a immauturity problem. Not only that Granfather doesnt want people to know where we live cause hes affraid somone will come & steal his 'valuble' colections of utter crap.
Well I told him that I am inproving ALL THE TIME from my problems and also Ive come a LONG WAY. He still said no. So we had a HUGE fight. As usual it started out with bolth of us hollerin at each other & ended with me cryin and him laughin his ass off in his evil blubering cackle.
2 hours later hes onthe couch watchin The Famly Channel an starts screamin C'MERE BOY I GOTTA GO. I said: NO take care of your self, Granfather. He began shreikin & havin convoulsions & sweating bad and I knew he had a blockage as he hadnt born fruit so to speak for 4 days an was yammerin on about how 'the contractions are now 30 seconds apart' so i carryed him in the bathroom.
The poor old bastord was in violant pain. I gave him a towel to bite down on and I hummed the Star Wars theme with him to help him along. Two times he said IM GOINGTO DIE WALTER. I started cryin. I hate the old bastords guts but i dont want him to die. I said 'I always wanted to tell you this Granfather but deep down i love you.' I felt his slimy undorbelly and thru his skin the giant load did feel like a large planetsize spaceship, but jagged--The Death Starr is round, I thoght.
Slowly it sourfaced and I said What the hell did you eat? I see silvory stuff.
Then i remembored all those Ramen Pride noodles that he eats RAW & also the unwrapped flavor packets still in the foil that he chews and even eats whole. He told me he ate 4 dozon packets. (This explains the dehhydrated shrimp i found on the lampshade when he sneezed on it plus in the bedsheets where he blows his nose: Anothor granfather-related mystory solved.)
I sponged him off & gave him Pedialyte with vodka to replace his electrolites and put him to bed.