Walter Miller's Homepage
Where "Qualitty" is spelt with two t's
Speciel Double Decembor 1998 Update: Part I
Page 1 of 6
Yes you get two updattes in one here.Yes, its because I was late in getting my updattes done on time. Please try not to gorge on it all in one sitting.
If you read how my last home page update ended, you probly might of thoght that Granfather's brother, not Granfather, woud of been the one to end up in the hospitol that day. But no, Granps is the one who ended up in the emergencey room that night -- the night folowwing a forced Family counseling session, as per the directive of a court order in order to keep all our asses out of jail. Yes, Uncle Zeke did indeed end up with 3rd degree carpet burns on 50% of his body as he was ground and tossed on the floor at the diabollical doings of Granfather. And at some point that day all of us were weepin and cryin partly from how horoble the whole thing was and also out of how we were all ashamed at how awfull and dysfunctionol our family is. Granfather and his new, evil diabollical girlfreind were the only ones who didnt seem upsett and in fact were laughin there asses off at the whole thing. In fact it wasnt so much the family hatred but rathor the raw disgustinggness of Granfather what realy we were all upset about.
What hapened after the Rug burn
Poor uncle Zeke as you know got whipped arround like ragdoll on a square of low nap rayon rug on the floor of a rented paneled room in the back of the Vaccume Cleaner Repair where we had held the counsiling session, while his head was atached to a power tool that Granfather held in the clutches of his non-hueman claws buzzing at the highest setting of speed.
My awfull enbarrasing family has tried all kinds of councilling. In recent years we have been doing "Tough Love" and even "Rough love" (no, that it is NOT what you think), but all of these things only seem to mak things worse. So we are tryin a more touchy feely aproach.
This new type of therappy was called a somthing-or-other "Encounter of Self-Discovory with Self and Others." Or som such crap. But the onley thing anyone had an encounter with was Uncle Zeke whose face was havin some serrious encountoring with some stiff bristley Rayon and Dacron.
The rugburn didnt end till Uncle Willaim, Granfather's other brother who is very feebel and close to death somhow crawled over to the wall and pulled the plug out.
When the moter stopped I woud of thoght Uncle Zeke had died or was unconscsious but instead imediatly he bolted up and ran past us thruogh the pissy little curtian that hung over the doorway that led into the Vacume Cleaner Repair shop, draggin behind himself, because the cord was wrapped arround his giant leg, the heavy metol power tool which bounced on the floor below.
"Look out Grampy!"While Granfather luaghed more about this and made some sort of rude obscene remark, imediatly Zeke came back into the room after storming out less than five secconds earlior, and at this point the powertool was now in his hand. And suddonly, while Granp's back was turned, Uncle zeke grabbed the old basterd's neck with his othor giant hand. Granfather's girlfreind, who I have mentionned in the last update is the biologicol female version of Ross Perrot, screamed LOOK OUT GRANPY but it was too late. Zeke was upon the little evil anceint basterd. At the same second, my brothor (who vissiciously hates Granfather's guts) jumped up and plugged the powortool back into the wall while my sister in law and also Uncle Will (who, both of them, each hates Granps even more than my brothor ever coud), fought off my Dad as to keep him from pullin the plug out.
All at once...All at once huge old Zeke leapt on Granp's chest and knelt both of his knees on the old troll's bone thin twig arms (and in this way he kept him pinned down flat on the rug) and once he got him to lie still he then leaned with his large left palm on the beast's (Granp's) throaght and held him there while at the same time with his right hand jammed the tool (which he still held in his hand) down hard and just as he did so the drill sprang to life with a loud shrill screech (due to the fact that right at that point the plug got plugged back in the wall) and now with the drill turned on Zeke coud hold it tight in his hands (and he did) and the tool jerked and popped as he (Zeke) drove a thick long big zinc bolt straihgt in his kin's head with a sprey of pink and green blood (pink and green as it was blood from The Beast and not of this world) as Gramps thrashed and howled and schreiked and screamed in pain while the nail at first twirled in slow thruogh his dry brown skin then shot in quick as it reached the end which was in this case the thick bone of his skull and when the drill stopped at last it held fast a small steel wheel which was shot in place right there on the front top part of the cruel imp's small brained head.
There i did it!!Sorrey about that long run-on sentence. It is only becuase I had a bet with this woman who said she woud give me some freelance work if I coud write one readable sentence consisting of more than 250 one syllabol words in a row without using no commas. She said I coudnt, but I beleive I just did.
(I appollogize for makin you read that, but a guy's gotta eat; for the rest of this updatte I promise you only my regulor brand of lame, mispelled multisyliballic text).
Just then a small cheap closet door swung open and out from the tiny bathroom just off the cheap panelled room stumbled the counselor, who my familly had hired to run the dysfunctionol counciling session. On wobbly legs she collapsed to a crawl after bein inside there on her knees barfing in the toilat. Then she crumpoled prone on the floor .
"Very well then," she gasped with her face smeared while curled on her side in a semi fetol posittion tryin to sound both as profesioanly neutrol and pleasently authorrotative as she coud, "I think I sence some negative feelings here."
I felt sorrey for the poor womon. We had all had basterd-related cousling sesions before. But this was her first. No one from our family threw up and while we all sort of had the thuoght for sure, we all were so desensitized to it. Thats anothor awful thing about repeatted exposure to the Asault on the Five Senses known as "Granfather" -- when others do not see your revulsion, they think that somthing is wrong with YOU.