A few fries short of a Happy Meal
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"So," he says to me, "Hear anything good?"
"Johnson's out," I said instinktively. (I dont not even know who Johnson is; I mereley was parrotting somthing I heard in the hall.)
"Ooh! What else?" he said with a crooked smile while at the same time making a coupol of really loud farts. I was right next to him for Godsake. I dont know what it is about urinals that makes men in mens' restrooms talk to other men right next to them and then fart real loud withuot inpunity. They woudnt dare fart in front anothor, say in the conference room. It is a bathroom not a Farting Room.
"Nash has had it," I contineud. "Haines is gone. Close the lid on Peters, and dont forget the nails. And old Hadley -- stick a fork in him, he's done."
I normolly wasnt so talkattive but in adittion to being nervous and upset abbout the layoffs I was severely buzzing on green tea which as you know (i just found out myself) contains, in adittion to a little cafeine, this othor strong naturol stimulent. I forgot to take the teabag out and it got very dark and nasty but I drank it anyway.
I am the kind of persen who never talks allot and when I do i usualy make an ass out of myself so you can immagine how bad i am when I talk allot. What the hell, he is a suit and one day i may need him to get a job a or somthin. Plus, as someone who is usualy on the recieving end of layoffs, who woud ever know whan i will ever have a chance agian to have a conversation like this?
Yes, in this danm business there is nothing so self satisfyeing and boosting to the self image than, as a survivor, to be able to triumphentley rattle off the list of casualties to a stranger.
The guy (the suit) with the furrey teeth in the urinnal next to me liked all the stuff i told him, nodded, tapped his winkie dry and did the little shiver and zipped, then flushed the urrinal with the palm of his hand, (the same hand he tapped with) and patted that palm on my back of my neck as he passed by behind me while I peed. And he said to me:
"Thanks for the dirt, pal!"
While he washed his hands I asked him if he'd heard aneything, (any rumors) and he looked distracted and looking blankley into the mirror said, "Hmmm! No, No."
"Busted"...But a minutte later anothor suit came in and in hushed tones (so I woudnt hear) he spilt his guts, not only tellin the othor suit all the stuff I just told him, but allot of othor stuff I didnt know before: And one of those things was it seems that in the reorg, my pain in the ass boss ended up with a big demotion. (Here at Cyberblop they call getting a demotion being "busted down to size" or else just "busted.")
Actualy top managment wasnt sure where they were goingto put her as a result of this demotion, but sureley they were planing to bust her down to somthing very, very hummiliatting, just so she will leave on her own out of shame rather than be oficially "downsized" which is a more expensive option for the company.
I guess here at Cyberblop, Demotion is to Downsizing just as Censure is to Inpeachment.
The re-org-related prank for the 4th Quartor 1998 Cyberblop layoffs is still being talked abbout a month later in hushed tones as "The Laila inciddent."
What they did was hack into the Big Admin system where they keep coppies of digitized photos of evereyone's company ID card. Then they made a short film that was a spoof of that scene in Goodfellas when Ray Liotta is doing a voiceovor narration with Eric Claptons "Laila" playing in the backround as he describes all of the lowlevel gangstors who got whacked by Robert Deniro, when they discover all of the bodies in the trash conpacters, and dumpsters. Except insted of it being Jimmy-Two-Times and Johnny Roast Beef who are found hangin frozen and dead in the reffrigerated meat truck, or shot thruogh the head while siting in the Eldorrado Coupe that he wasnt suposed to buy with the Luftansa heist money, it is our co-workers, whose faces were Photoshopped on top.
The film was sent out as an anonymuos downloadoble e-mail atachment to the whole company. Upper managment so I hear is stokeingly pissed about it.
Also, in case you are wondorring, one of the funnier lines I wrote was for one of the flitty ladies in personnel who got fired in the reorg and the narattion said:
"After being discovored frozen stiff in the reffrigerrated meat truck, it took 3 days for (Mrs. So-and-so)'s make up to thaw. And after the cops scraped it off they found Jimmy Hoffa under there."
Later on that aftornoon after we wrapped up the Laila film i was in the kitchenette making myeself anothor green tea and I overheard some othor juicey stuff and just as I was walkin out I nearley bumped into the suit with the furry teeth I saw earlier takin a leak next to me and I said to him (withuot thinking because there were othor people right behind him),
"Meade is out," I blurted, "Smith is gone, and Clark is busted." I repeatted in a low whispor under my breath to myself as i turned to scoot away, BUST -eeeaaahhd!"
"You asshole," cried the suit, "I'M Clark!"
I guess I was feelin pretty bad abuot things by the time i left and considerring my combined feelings of upsetness and worthlesness and even a little Laila rellated guilt i tellyou I was almost in the mood to imediatly get home to attend Granfather's stupid girlfreind's dumb focus group.