Walter Miller Homepage
Augost 97 Update
Page 1 of 4
Yes, this is shameless to go straight into the Next Months update, but as you know i was late, and bolth the Mid July 97 and Augist 1997 Updates came out on the same day. I appologize. I have problems dealing with responsobbilities in my life and fulfiling the ecxpectations of others. I was just swamped.
I am NOT scamming my readors--in fact try to look at this as not havving to read the regulor syruppy self-serving introduction you usualy get with a new Update...
SO NOW BACK TO THE STOREY
Where we left off we were in Arrizona on the way to California. Granfather was in the back of the car in pain due to a painful rash on his scalp. His disgusting girlfreind was tryin to comfort him. I said to the shreiking recalcitrent beast:
Plaese calm down Granfather
I said, "Granpts, i KNOW your upset, becuase its a long ride and also your scalp is bothorin you." But it didnt help becuase he said he woud 'GIT' me too. He copiously increased both the frequencey and the creepiness factor of the mysterrious 'WooAHooAHooo...' sound. Plus he kept callin me "Mister Hairless Chiwahwah" which is a very mean term ovbiously in cruel refference to my sparce and very much half-constructed goatee. Also i am not the most hansome man in the world and still must grow into my limbs and face: My gawkey stage is takkin allot longer than I WANT it to. And he knows this pushes my buttons and he made coments about me being ugly. I know I am plus i cant put on weight with all the power drinks i drink even the nasty heavy pink one i drink evory day. I didnt let him see while I was driving but my face was red and i allmost creid but i did not. I swore to myself i was goingto shaive it off as soon as I got to my brothor's house, even if he has hard wator like we do back in Texas and it takes my friggin skin off cause I cant make suds.
We got to Phenix around suppertime and had fastfood. And the old bastord has to be wiseass wherevor you go. If hes not outrihgt abusing you he enbarasses you in public so you want to crawl in a hole and die. The man can embbarrass you in front of YOURSELF i swear. He goes up the countor & asks for the latest "55 cent samwich deal." The girl says they dont HAVE a deal like that. And Granfather says "OH, I BET YOU DONT, NO MORE," and also some creul thing about them "RECENTLEY GITTIN THERE ASS FRIED--OR DARE I SAY 'FLAIME BROILED' AS A RESULT."
Stupid old cootI didnt even tell him we were NOT in a McDolonds. And when people started not payin atention to him he started in with the tiki noise and pushin the little green taboo plastic head in strangor's faces. One of those strangors, a little old lady, resisted Granfather and now has the imminent right without any threat of lawsiut to truthfuly declaire on a website, if she so chose to declaire it:
'WALTER MILLER'S GRANFATHER SPIT IN MY FOOD'
Good thing she didnt see it happen. Becuase that's all granffather needs, more people pissed at him.
During the meal granfather got up 2 times to make personol calls at a payphone outside. The girlfreind acused him of carrying on with anothor woman. Gramps said "YORE CRAZY" and he just had to call his phonemail. But at one point he was giggling on the phone with somone. Somthin was up but we didnt knoew what.
That evening--an evil MirocleYes belive it or not--(and Personaly I credit the combonation of micanozole-based canine toppicol prescription creams, epidermol compound scalp pastes developed for gorillas with scabies as well as for limited use on Suoth American Great Cappybaras with advanced ringworm, plus regulor hygeiene and viggorous power brushing plus the alcohaul jelly under the showorcap combined with the regular molting process of granfather's unique species)--but call it what you will, after supper when we asembled in the motel, for a scrubdown and regulor diapor change, as the guy in the Scalpocin comerciel says, "THE ITCH IS GONE!
Many more thanksId like to to thank my 2 freinds at a certain UNNAMED municipol zoo who 'libberated' shall we say some of these medicines for us.
These medocines were past expiration date and NOT stolon but pulled out of the trash and i will NOT OPPOLOGIZE for using them on granfather: YOU try livvin with the old bastord.
But first the obbliggatory Warning: if your eatin somthin please put it DOWN NOWWe at the mannagement of Walter Miller's(R) Hompage Productions(tm) , Inc. are open to and apreciate recievving imput from our readers to say the least. (To say more, I am constantley tossed to and fro by the waves of critticism--Readers of my last update asked that I reffrain from small, unreadoble text and i will strive to do so in the future.)
Along these same lines, othors have wrote to say that they read my page on there lunch hour at work and ask for a WARNING to imediately preceed a markedley disgusting discritption: Well mark these next 2 parragrapghs a brihgt yellowey orenge color of caution.
The 'healthey' condition of the old Basterds scalp when nothin is wrong with it:Have you evor eaten a mango? Theres all that juicey flesh thats extremely soft, almost mushy, but as you work your way to that big jagged ellippticol pit in the center, you notice that it gets more slimy. You get to a point where it is all kind of hairy and fibrous and matted and shapeless, a region lacking of structuore and form, a sort of center-of-the-mango no man's land. A Demillitarized Zone, in which its realy quite hard to tell verily where the fruit actualy ends and where the pit trulely begins.
Well thats his danm scalpAmidst a prepponderence of dermal fungus, unexplained paleo-botannical parasitic mosses, carniverrous bloodsucking liverwort flora, and ocasional insect life, lie the roots of what the doctors call the old ogre's "nutritive cranial pelt". It is similor to the annual 'velveting' of certain caribou species antlors, yet singulorly unique in a billion years of biologey. Yes, it is the hairy hidden reaches of the crannies of where Granfathers hair and waxy root area meets the thick fossilized reptilian armor of his overly bone thick small brained head.
Its not a human: Its a friggin animolThere is one picture of the old bastord from back during his dis-Service in the US Military, where this sappy, hirsute matter-antimatter has been either shorn or hacked off by either an Army barber, a surgeon, a Phillipine military machete master or all three. And in the absence of hair in the photoe you can see perfectly the aerodynammic outline which suggests perhaps that at one time Granfather's species dove from the treetops way back in evvolutionery days to divebomb for small prey.
Olny one question remains:Is it Early Plioscene? Or else very, very late Cretaceous Era? Fosilized trilobites in the Dura Mater seems to sugest even pre-Cambrian. But no one really knows. I sure as hell dont.
Uncle Zeke (Granfather's oldor brother) explianed to me how their mother used to cut Granfather's hair when he was a child. Theyd covor his head with metal window screening, coat it with parraffin, burnish it down to a shine with the back of a tabblespoon and then set it ablaze. He said the stink was so ferrocious that neither him nor his brothor Uncle William have any sence of smell left and this was ovor 60 years ago. Granfather used to sit there queitley until it burned down to his skin when he started hollerin "ITS GITTIN' WARM IN HERE, MAW." Then they knew it was time to tamp the flaimes out with biccarbonate of Soda powdor and abestos wool gloves. And they said the old bastord who was spoiled as a child got a peice of candy and a bite of chaw for his trouble.
Youv just read about his HEALTHEY scalp. When the doctors say, "YUP, theres nothin wrong with him." When his scalp has problems, I will not write abbout it: Its THAT BAD.
As I said Granfather fears nothing, ecxept the vacuume cleaner. But messing around with evil powors came back to BITE HIM IN THE ASS. Yes he had a horroble nightmare.
That night we ended up in a cheap motel near the Pheonix airport. (WHY near the airpourt was beyond me but like I said we took that danm fool detour.)
Govornor Weld was on TV bitchin about Jesse Helms and how he wont get the nomination for Ambasodor to Mexico because of him. Grafather started screamin at the TV and even spit tobaco jiuce at it forgetting that he is NOT in our trailor and not allouwed to do it.
Guess whose side Granfather tookHe took Helms side. Not that he particolrly likes Hellms or dislikes Weld. (In fact, Weld is too liboral for him and Helms too Consirvative. Its a frihgtening thing for this country of ours when GRANFATHOR is considered 'Middol of the Road').
He just thinks Weld is bustin balls. Its like some guy who runs one of those 'AOL Sucks' websites, and then sudenly wonders why Steve Case wont hire him.
I was dialed in with my laptop uploading my Netly News colunm and Granfather pushes me aside, angrilly grabbing it out of my hands with his hairy paws to check the latest AP wires on what was goin on with the Weld/Helms thing. The old hag says for him to calm down but Granps grabs his little tikee-Taboo head and holds it up to her face.
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!