Walter Miller Homepage

A culturral con on the net...I meannt to say culturol 'Icon'.

Aogost 97 Update

Page 4 of 4

Then the old bastord started complianing about the food. He has this running thing with my family about how Califonria Mexican food is NOT as good as Texas Mexocan food. He started a big screamin and hollerin match with my sister inlaw. It was all about cilantroe. This is a man who doesent know food from construction materiols. i say this becuse last year he actually ate a half pound of fiborglass house insullation thinking it was pink cotton candy.

A half-puond dosent sound like a lot but you know how fluffey it is. Plus he ate the foil and brown papper backing off it that had the picture of the Pink Panthor on it.

I fall for an old trick

We dont have a very large extended famliy but theres one guy who i dont even know how he's related to us who I alwayes see from time to time at family functions since I was a kid. I think his name is Cousin Earl. He has this funny BillyBob Thorton Slingblade haircut.

All day he is wiggling his hand around and apears to be in pain. He comes up to me and says his hand hurts cause it was wounded in the Veitnam War. (I think hes too young to of fought there cause he's only like 30). Also he has othor problems. He says to me why dont you just pull this middle finger here very hard to snap the knuckol in place. And when i did Cuosin Earl bent ovor and cut a huge fart. Evoryone in the whole place saw and heard what hapenned and laughed (exept my dad and stepmon).

Dad and my brothor have an argument

You cant get more than 2 people from my disfunctonol family togethor for 5 minuts without wanting to say "CANT WE ALL...GET ALONG?. Dad blaimed my brothor for encuorogin Cousin Erl. But my brothor blamed ME sayin that all anyone is talkin about is our hompage and how "Walter made us all famuos." My brothor came over and gave me a big push and i fell and my arm went in the guaccomole. He said HOW DO YOU LIKE IT STUPID ASS? He said that I am the one who started it all and shoudnt be suprized if people (like Cousin Earl--who is not smart and is inpressionoble) reacts in this way.

It is NOT my fault

I started to tear up a little in the beginings of starting to cry. But I held it off and did not cry. Mabye i did a little.

Anyway i do clearly remember bein about 12 years old and havin Earl do the same trick on me. Like a jerk, I fell for it agian this week. My feelings are hurt easiley. I am ovorsensitive. I know, it is a problenm and I have to deal with it. In many areas i have to GROW UP.

My point is this: Cousin earl did that trick WAY BEFORE i ever had a homepage.

Where's Granpy?

No one noticed the old bastord was missing. (You can always tell hes gone becuase your food tastes better--irregardless of the cilantroe). Then theres a knock at the door and its a cab drivor and he is mad as hell. He is screamin half in Spanish and Egnlish that he picked up an old gent here 30 minuts ago who wanted a ride to the airport and did NOT PAY. He said when he pulled upto a light Granfathor scampored out and ran across the highway on all fours grunting and sqealing like a skinny escaiped pig. He said he hollered at him YOU DIDNT PAY and that the old sneaky bastord hollored back in a cackoling laugh "YOU AINT GONNA GIT PAID, PEYDRO".

The man said his name is NOT Pedro and if we didnt pay him now he'd call the danm cops. And not olny that his frikkin cab smells like a cuouple of walruses took a crap in it.

Dad pays him

Plus he asked the man to take us to the spot where he ran out. The man said FINE but also dad had to give him $20 extra to defummigate the cab. The driver dosnt yet realize that $20 willnot be good enuogh and the car will still smell.

Me, dad, and the old girlfreind rode over and the man showed us where the place was. There was a small cheap motel there. (The kind that rents rooms by hourley rates, and where the price is encircled by a heart). He dispatched annothor cab for us cause he said Granfather was NOT alowed back in his cab. Me and dad ran around the motor court sniffing the cracks under the doors to see in Granfather was in one of the rooms.

A Horoble scene

Dad found the room. The door was open. Frank Sinatra was playin on the radio. The lamp was on the floor. A sock was on the dressor. A peice of someones undorwear was hangin off the cieling sprinkler: You KNOW the scene. And Granfather was sittin in bed with ANOTHOR WOMON and they were both calmley smokin cigaretts and watching the Weather Channel.


It was The CORNOL. She had a look of shock and horror on her face as me, my dad and Granfathers girlfreind (her sister) stumboled in. The old hag screamed and fainted. So did the Colonel. Dad ran outside and threw up in the parkin lot. Me, im used to excptecting the worst so i stayed there and said WHAT THE HELL is goin on here???

It turns out that THIS is who he was calling up with secret phone calls while we were travelling: The Cuornal. Granfather turned to face me in the semi-darkoned room. All I saw were those diamonds from the tiki head glinting in the sparse light which he had clasped betweean his horroble prehensile eyelids.

I reallized he coudnt see me

It seems that behind the fake diamonds, he had placed nicotine patches atatched to his eyes like large contact lenses. The doctor later said that if it wasnt for Granfather's reptillian 3rd eyelid, a white opaque membraine which slants in diagonally to covor the eyeball, the nicotine patch woud of caused some serrious ocular lesions of the scalera.

This whole thing put a dampor on the family reunion to say the least.


I will write more abbout how the trip ended up next time. I know i owe my readers a Wedgie Page update PLUS a Site that Links To The Walter Miller Hompage Site Of The Day update--I will get them done one of these days. Sorrey for the delay. You see how hectick my life is.

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