Not built on a Mac, and it shows
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The first day we made it near the halfway point of New Mexoco. Id forgotton about sleeping arangments and I was soon in for a rude supprize.
Atcually TWO rude surprizes. The first one was comin out of the showor and seeing the old waffly girlfreind with her sundress hem in her hands up fluffin the cool air conditionor air all under and IN BETWEEN everything that i coudnt see. But you knew what was going on: she was cooling off her butt and surounding area under that dress cause her hands were under there shifting around her Junior Circus Fat-Lady sized undorpants. She said to me in a cruel way WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT and i said Whatever Im LOOKIN at, Im LOOKIN at it BY MISTAKE. Then she got all haughtey with me and said everyone cools there ass off in the manner like this with the airconditoiner in the hot summor time: Just no one TALKS about it, Walter.
She is mean to me in private when Granfather is not around. She is mad at me becuase i will not call her 'Granny" or "Auntie". She is mad at me because she is the only persen who i regulorly see who wants her name printed in my website. But I will NOT print it, ever.
Here is the second suprise which was much more worser:
A blanket was strung up where the Gruesome Twosome were on one side and me on the other. I was walled off from the bathroom. The old biddy told me i shoud 'make other arangements' if i wanted to use the john. Like perhaps goin outside to pee on a cactus or somthing. Can you bellieve it? And dont you know i did. I left them and I slept in the car.
And just as i ran out Granfather hollored back at me from behind the strung up blanket for me to STAY OUT and not come back till morning.
"DONT YOU POKE YER HEAD IN HERE BOY, Y'HEAR? THERE'LL BE MUCH MORE'N JEST SOME FLIRTY 'TASTERS CHOICE' COMMERICIAL GOIN ON BEHIND THIS HERE CURTIN."
The next morning when we were checking out i treid to oppologize and that man told me that the people staying in the next room over were sure that based on the noises coming from Granfathers room, that whoever was in there was loudly watching on HBO one of the Ace Venturra Pet Detective films with the volume on high. But the tv was NOT on.
Somtines the foriegn people you cant undorstand, especualy when they talk fast. But this man also did tell me that in his countrey you can be put to death for making such noises where othor people can hear them. The next day i coud NOT hold down any food till supper.
I said THIS IS GOINGTO BURN GRANFATHER and then I bought 2 containors of it and empteid it into a showor cap and fitted it on his head. It did not burn and even helped the itch.
Granfather loves the film becuase early on, Albort Brooks yells the "F" word at his boss for forcing him to work on the Ford Moters acount. Then he quits his job and becomes a school Crossing Guard in Safferd, Arizona. At one point he is driving a big R.V. on the freeway while Born To Be Wild is on the radio and he honks the horn to these bikers in the next lane and gives them the thumbs up. They give him The Finger in return. Aneyway this is Granfathers 2nd favvorite part of the film so while we drove on the freeway, anytime he saw a Harley or an R.V. he leaned out the car with his showor cap on and flipped them the bird with a hiddeous smile on his face. He even did it to a cop once but he didnt see it.
The "F" word. The 'Fingor'.
These things may play well on the big screen but they have no place in a family website. (Even a dysfunctoinal family website like ours). I may reffer to these things but olny if Grabfather does them. I do not do these things myeself.
But before we got there we went thruogh a few Indien reservations and we stopped at a yard sale some people were having off the highway and Granfather bought some hubcaps he didnt have plus some old oil cans and othor stuff plus this strangely familor looking amuelet shaped like a Polynesain head.
He started making that mysterrious highpitched whistle noise that was asociated with that Brady episode, the rapid:
WooAHooAHooo...Say it as rappidly as you can, and be sure to fade out on the last 'ooo' at the end--You will regcognize the sound imediately as an old standard Hollywood sound affect. They use the same sound in Westerns where the tumbolweeds are rolling along the deserted ghost town and the mysterrious stranger rides into town: You know the noise. Well the old mysteriouos sonnoffobbitch WOUDNT STOP MAKIN IT.
Granfather was so extremely ecxited because he thought this little plastic head had anceint Indien powers that woud grant him riches and allow him to "PLACE WHAMMIES" on people he didnt like. (For him, that meant big corporrations, any pro-bicycle lane or anti-tobbacco actovist, and the entire Govorment of the Rebuplic of France).
Meanwhile the stupid girlfreind was frigntened of the ameulet and didnt want him to buy it. She thoght it woud bring curses on our family. (How stupid can you get. We already GOT curses on us, I'd say and she was proof of it.)
Granfather said to the guy who sold it to him "TELL ME THEM SECRET INJUN CHANTS WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HERE TEE-KEE HEAD." It was extreamely enbarassing. The man looked at me quizicolly and then at the old bastord and finaly told him it didnt have no secret powers. If it did he woudnt be sittin out there in 106 degree heat tryin to sell it for 25 cents.
The man said he didnt know and that for the last time what he was buying was a qualofied peice of crap and thats why it was so cheap: 25 cents Take it or leave it. Granfather acused the man of trying to rip him off and both him and Granfather got pissed at eachothor. Can you believe it?
Back in the car the old coot licked it with his disguosting leathery forked tounge and the gold writing came right off. In fact, the gold writing stuck to his tounge.
Souvenier of Hilo.
Hilo is one of the Hawaian Islnads.
The whole rest of the day you didnt want to dare lock eyes with Granfather. If you did he'd quick as a flash hold up the tee-kee taboo head up levol to his face and go:
Each time he did it the old biddy got upset. She pleaded "PLEASE GRANPY STOP." But he kept it up. He was realy bustin her horns. "YOUR GITTIN YORES, HUNNYCAKES, FER NOT LETTIN' ME SMOKE IN THE COLONEL'S VEHICLE. WHICH IS NOW MY VEHICLE, GARLDANGIT!!!"
It was not so much the fact he coudnt smoke in the car. It was the houmiliation of him being overruled. His feelings i think were hurt or else he was exibbiting an animal instinct to be the head beast of the pack. Eithor way it was an umconfortable situation for the 3 of us in the car. Also he was pruonouncing 'vehicle' like: 'Vuh-HICKle' which he only does when hes especialy pissed. Usualy instead he just says 'CAR'.