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Mid July 97 Update

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The first day we made it near the halfway point of New Mexoco. Id forgotton about sleeping arangments and I was soon in for a rude supprize.

Atcually TWO rude surprizes. The first one was comin out of the showor and seeing the old waffly girlfreind with her sundress hem in her hands up fluffin the cool air conditionor air all under and IN BETWEEN everything that i coudnt see. But you knew what was going on: she was cooling off her butt and surounding area under that dress cause her hands were under there shifting around her Junior Circus Fat-Lady sized undorpants. She said to me in a cruel way WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT and i said Whatever Im LOOKIN at, Im LOOKIN at it BY MISTAKE. Then she got all haughtey with me and said everyone cools there ass off in the manner like this with the airconditoiner in the hot summor time: Just no one TALKS about it, Walter.

She is mean to me in private when Granfather is not around. She is mad at me becuase i will not call her 'Granny" or "Auntie". She is mad at me because she is the only persen who i regulorly see who wants her name printed in my website. But I will NOT print it, ever.

Here is the second suprise which was much more worser:

It hapenned one night

I am not talkin about the 1934 movie starring Carrol Lombard and Clark Gable (and the father of the Skippor from Giligans Island--look closely), where, for the sake of proprietty, the non-cohabbitant man and womon string up a blanket to separate the room into His and Hers sleeping arangements. No i am talking about what hapenned in this motel. Yes, 'IT' hapened, and almost with ME in the room.

A blanket was strung up where the Gruesome Twosome were on one side and me on the other. I was walled off from the bathroom. The old biddy told me i shoud 'make other arangements' if i wanted to use the john. Like perhaps goin outside to pee on a cactus or somthing. Can you bellieve it? And dont you know i did. I left them and I slept in the car.

And just as i ran out Granfather hollored back at me from behind the strung up blanket for me to STAY OUT and not come back till morning.


The Asein Man goes aftor them

The Asian man who works at the motel went aftor them and puonded on the door with a Luoisville Slugger covored with electricol tape tellin them to BE QUIET. I saw it all from the car.

The next morning when we were checking out i treid to oppologize and that man told me that the people staying in the next room over were sure that based on the noises coming from Granfathers room, that whoever was in there was loudly watching on HBO one of the Ace Venturra Pet Detective films with the volume on high. But the tv was NOT on.

Somtines the foriegn people you cant undorstand, especualy when they talk fast. But this man also did tell me that in his countrey you can be put to death for making such noises where othor people can hear them. The next day i coud NOT hold down any food till supper.

Scalp problems 'come to a head'

Arround noon the 2nd day we had to pull over because of Granfathers savage itching. He told me that it felt like jock itch --execpt it was on his head. I realy felt bad for him. And you know me: I never feel bad for the mean abbusive old bastord. We stopped in a store and i got that new product that people now use to wash there hands without towels. It is clear alchohol jelley in a pump bottle and costs like 5 bucks for a small containor. You put a dab on your hands and rub them togethor and then your hands dry themselfes. You know the stuff.

I said THIS IS GOINGTO BURN GRANFATHER and then I bought 2 containors of it and empteid it into a showor cap and fitted it on his head. It did not burn and even helped the itch.

Born to be Wild

As you know Roswell's 50th annoversery is this year. Granfathor was cursing at me for not lettin him wear that smoking contraption with the football helmet cause he wanted to act like a fool in public while we were in New Mexico by pretending he was some sort of demmented alien. I said its NOT PRETTENDING granfather. He almost seemed pissed when we left the state for Arizona.

But he perked up when he saw the signs for Safford.
This is the town in the Albert Brooks movie 'Lost in America' where the man and his wife end up after losing all there money in Los Vegas.

Granfather loves the film becuase early on, Albort Brooks yells the "F" word at his boss for forcing him to work on the Ford Moters acount. Then he quits his job and becomes a school Crossing Guard in Safferd, Arizona. At one point he is driving a big R.V. on the freeway while Born To Be Wild is on the radio and he honks the horn to these bikers in the next lane and gives them the thumbs up. They give him The Finger in return. Aneyway this is Granfathers 2nd favvorite part of the film so while we drove on the freeway, anytime he saw a Harley or an R.V. he leaned out the car with his showor cap on and flipped them the bird with a hiddeous smile on his face. He even did it to a cop once but he didnt see it.

The "F" word. The 'Fingor'.
These things may play well on the big screen but they have no place in a family website. (Even a dysfunctoinal family website like ours). I may reffer to these things but olny if Grabfather does them. I do not do these things myeself.

he insists on a detour.

I wanted to stay on the I-8 but he insisted we take the 60 which is a skinnier road up toword Pheonix instead becuase he "knew a shortcut". It makes me sick becuase the shortcut delayed us forever. Granfather hasnt even ben in Phoennix since like 1967 and its much more bigger now. We were stuck in traffic and you know how hot it is. He didnt even apollogize.

But before we got there we went thruogh a few Indien reservations and we stopped at a yard sale some people were having off the highway and Granfather bought some hubcaps he didnt have plus some old oil cans and othor stuff plus this strangely familor looking amuelet shaped like a Polynesain head.

The Evil Tikee Taboo

Did you ever see the Bradey Bunch eppisode with Vincent Price and they go to Howaii? And Cindy and Bobby find the little cursed Taboo head? Greg Brady has a curse put on him because of the Evil Taboo and almost dies while surfing. Well the thing that Granfather bought was THAT thing ecxept it was a bright colored green plastic and had fake diamand eyes.

He started making that mysterrious highpitched whistle noise that was asociated with that Brady episode, the rapid:


Say it as rappidly as you can, and be sure to fade out on the last 'ooo' at the end--You will regcognize the sound imediately as an old standard Hollywood sound affect. They use the same sound in Westerns where the tumbolweeds are rolling along the deserted ghost town and the mysterrious stranger rides into town: You know the noise. Well the old mysteriouos sonnoffobbitch WOUDNT STOP MAKIN IT.

Granfather was so extremely ecxited because he thought this little plastic head had anceint Indien powers that woud grant him riches and allow him to "PLACE WHAMMIES" on people he didnt like. (For him, that meant big corporrations, any pro-bicycle lane or anti-tobbacco actovist, and the entire Govorment of the Rebuplic of France).

Meanwhile the stupid girlfreind was frigntened of the ameulet and didnt want him to buy it. She thoght it woud bring curses on our family. (How stupid can you get. We already GOT curses on us, I'd say and she was proof of it.)

Granfather said to the guy who sold it to him "TELL ME THEM SECRET INJUN CHANTS WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HERE TEE-KEE HEAD." It was extreamely enbarassing. The man looked at me quizicolly and then at the old bastord and finaly told him it didnt have no secret powers. If it did he woudnt be sittin out there in 106 degree heat tryin to sell it for 25 cents.


The man said he didnt know and that for the last time what he was buying was a qualofied peice of crap and thats why it was so cheap: 25 cents Take it or leave it. Granfather acused the man of trying to rip him off and both him and Granfather got pissed at eachothor. Can you believe it?

Back in the car the old coot licked it with his disguosting leathery forked tounge and the gold writing came right off. In fact, the gold writing stuck to his tounge.

oliH fo rinevuoS

Thats what the gold writing said while Granfather flicked the tongue in and out, but if you were lookin at him like i was in the rearveiw mirror you coud read it right side up where it plainly read:
Souvenier of Hilo.

Hilo is one of the Hawaian Islnads.

The whole rest of the day you didnt want to dare lock eyes with Granfather. If you did he'd quick as a flash hold up the tee-kee taboo head up levol to his face and go:


Each time he did it the old biddy got upset. She pleaded "PLEASE GRANPY STOP." But he kept it up. He was realy bustin her horns. "YOUR GITTIN YORES, HUNNYCAKES, FER NOT LETTIN' ME SMOKE IN THE COLONEL'S VEHICLE. WHICH IS NOW MY VEHICLE, GARLDANGIT!!!"

It was not so much the fact he coudnt smoke in the car. It was the houmiliation of him being overruled. His feelings i think were hurt or else he was exibbiting an animal instinct to be the head beast of the pack. Eithor way it was an umconfortable situation for the 3 of us in the car. Also he was pruonouncing 'vehicle' like: 'Vuh-HICKle' which he only does when hes especialy pissed. Usualy instead he just says 'CAR'.

How Granfather got Even and got his tobaco fix--Click here to proceed directley to the Auggust 1997 Update


Walter, I think ive had ENUOGH toilat humor for now--Ill come back to read the Augost update Later--In the meantime take me back to Menu of all Updats