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The Summer 2001 Update

Page 6 of 50

"Junior, sit up front with me," said Madison.

"Naw, Doc, I cain't abandon Grampy now!"

Madison started screamin at Junior to obey him. In response, Junior, like a frightenned child, scampored into the front passenger seat.

Me and Stu sat in the back cargo area with Granfather. We positioned the soles of the old basterd's feet to the roof so he woudnt slide arround. Madison made some sort of comment about Stu "sickening" him, and not being able to bear the sight of his piggish face withuot getting angry.

In his professional dignified way, (develloped over many years as a sucessfull Internet Marketing Executtive), Stu looked out the window and pretended that nothin was going on.

After we drove for an hour Junior fell asleep and to the loud sounds of his hacking snores, Madison, while restraining his contempt and disgusst, told me exactlay what hapened when he went to search for Stu aftor the van broke down.

"I thought this sonofobich was hurt, or dead," Madison seethed angrilly.

"Please dont tell Walter what hapenned," Stu pleaded.

"Shut up!" snapped Madison, who contineud the story.

"I kept calling him, and he didnt answor. But he heard me the whole time. Turns out he was only 30 feet away."

Where Stu was and what he was doing

Acording to Madison, Stu was in the low part of the ravine, ignorring the calls. Meanwhile instead he was clearing and collecting brush and making a circle of stones around a hardpacked patch of earth. As Madison told the rest of the story, Stu interupted in a stammor, which was unusuol for such a glib confident guy like him

"J-J-Junior had just made his offer -- I am so ashamed of myself -- his generous offor know."

Madison cut him off, "His offer for us to EAT his fat ass, when I TOLD y'all that help was sure to come soon!

"Here I am trying to keep evereyone safe and sound, and I find old Hungry Jack here making a barbecue pit," steamed Madison. Stu bit his lip in silent humilliation as the enraged cripto kept rippin into him, though it seemed he was half ranting to himself.

"Can't freakin believe it," he fumed, "Animal behavoir is one thing.

"Survival of the fittest and intra-species cannibalism is anothor. But I've NEVER seen the Lord of the Flies go down in just thirty seconds."

Madison held the steering wheel with one hand and reached ovor behind himself to smack Stu on the back of his head. Stu winced on impact. His snout wrinkoled, not from pain but mortiffication as Madison scolded him, "Remember, 'Piggy' was suposed to be one of the GOOD guys in Lord of the Flies."

The drive had been tough

Filling up at the Pemex stations we got allot of funny looks. Also Madison had to drive extra careful so the engine woudnt stall. Also all of us took turns to make sure that with all the bouncin allong the rough roads the jumpor cable did not pop off from bein clipped tight to that exposed peice of Gramp's grapes.

Sneakin across the Border

Stu made up for all of his transgressions later the next day when he located an area where we coud drive the van back into the Unitad States without no trouble from the Border guard. Not that we werent all U.S. citizons -- we were. Its just that we'd left Granfather's papers (which included Proof of Distemper and Rabies Shots and Worming) back home, as we asummed he was dead; without those papers, the old basterd was was a potentially contraband basterd.

And besides that crossing borders is allways a touchey thing for Stu. Entering Belgium once for an E-Commerce conference he was detained ovornight as livestock, and if youve been reading the papers about all those type of diseases goin on in Eurrope since last Fall you will know why he very ovbiously continues to be banned from England and France too.

The other reasen why we had to sneak across the border

It was the mark on my head that I got when it slammed into the hot engine block. The swelling had gone down, and there burned on me in backword letters, (that you coud read perfectly in the reflection of the van's door mirror), was the inpression of the embossed words on the valve covor:


Dr. Madison's crappy bedside mannor

When I first noticed it I wailed, "Will it wash off?". Madison, who was still pissed (outraiged really) at Stu's behiavior glanced ovor at me for a second and said rathor gruffly, "You're seared and cauttorized down to the dermis with natural carbon pigment. In other words you got a danm tattoo." This was a terible blow to my already fragil self esteem and poorselfimage.

Back home finaly

Ariving at last at our trailer I thoght things might be calmed down but of course no such luck. Dad and my stepmom were visiting from California. They were there to help tie up all the loose ends regarding Granfather's "death." Little were they to know that all the loose ends woud soon be reannimatted like the snake haired Medusa.

When we drove up, my Dad was out front hollering at Uncle Zeke and Uncle William.

Uncle Zeke and Uncle Will had lived here on Granfather's property all winter. Like I said I was nursemaid to them both.

How it came to pass that I had to watch these two old geezers for 4 months

At first it was just Uncle Will I was watching, because Uncle Zeke got charged with Capitol Murder in the "death" of Granfather, while William was not charged cause he is so old and frail. But the charges were reduced in court to Destruction of an Endangered Species when the criptos filed an Amicus Curaie breif to prove by DNA evidence that Granfather indeed was not a human. (The criptoes weren't doing anyone any favors by gettin Zeke off the hook. -- they just wanted to find an excuse to study Granfather's corpse some more).

Uncle Zeke was further exonorated when the charges were reduced yet again to Animal Cruelty, First Degree when it was proved that the old plastic injected basterd, while biologically unique, was not on any endangored list. (The bittor irony in this is that WE who spent all these years around Granfather when he was still alive and farting were the ones who were endangered).

Aftor this, it turns out that ALL charges agianst Zeke were dropped entirely due to Granfather finaly being declared a giant form of pestilent vermin, and Zeke ended up getting a pardon.

The way it ended up, Uncle Zeke was not only NOT punished for killing Granfather, he received the same day as the Pardon an Official State Citation for Meritorrious Service from outgoing Govornor George W. Bush for ridding the state of an organic toxic anomally which has plagued a five-county area since at least the 1940s.

Suposedly both the pardon and citation were signed on Dubya's last day in office. I exammined the certificate and it does NOT appear to be an autopen, and instead looks to be a real signatture. My guess is that some wily stooge on his staff stuck it under the Govornor's signing pen just as he thought he was signing a tuition check for one of his kids. Yes folks, we hear allot about what Clinton did on his last day in office, recklessly signing things and such, but not too much about our new president's last day in Austin.

Sabbotoge even with one foot in the Grave

At first I was caring only for Uncle Will, but later I was caring for them both as Uncle Zeke had an acident.

Here is how the acident happened