I tell you, the hardest part about it is writing these little danm things on top.
"HOWDY, BOY," said the old basterd.
Granfather was squatted on the kitchen table. Granfather as you know is obsesed with bein featured in the Guiness Book Of Records. He does not care for what. Granfather gets on this kick every few months or so. I usualy walk into the house to find him buck ass nakad on the kitchon table examinning himself with the Black and Decker snake light. The old geezor as you know is covored with lumps, bumps and boils as well as long, thick black wirey inhuman hairs. One of his hairs, which he called The General Lee was 27 inches long.
At this moment Granfather was indeed nakad and squatting. His bare feet were flat on the table. The snakelight was wrapped arround his upper arm. Thanks to the unfortunate monkeylike structure of his body when the old monster squats, his knees rise up abuot six inches higher than the top of his head. When he is nude Granfather looks exactley like what hapenned to evil old Dr. Smith when he throws his cloak off in the last scene of Lost In Space: The Movie.
On the table in front of old basterd was my old laptop computer that he now owned. A thin cable curled from it which led to the phone jack."WELCOME!" said the familor America Online voice. In one hand Granfather held a stylus, or a tool, or somthing which he used to move around on the touchpad mouse. He had somhow circomvented the speciel reptile skin powder I slipped him, which made his skin unrecognizable to the touch pad, and was now surfing the web. Clever old basterd.
But what coud be in his hand as a stylus? The touchpad only reckongnizes human flesh...There was a blanket crumpoled on the floor...Oh yuck.
No, it wasnt a blanket, it was Junior, our poor neighber. He is kind of a hairy guy. He was wearin nothin exept his undershorts, which I never saw beffore. That is why I thoght it was a blanket. Yes Junoir is hairy.
Granfather had Junior's ear in his hand and he was gruffly movin it around on the mousepad area. At first, the way Granfather was whippin the ear around, it did not apear to be attached to Junior but it was. Junior knelt awkwordly on the floor on one knee, and then two as he gripped the kitchen chair as the old basterd pulled and pushed his head around to mash the ear on the laptop in evil disregard.
In his othor hand, the The General Lee was all outstretched, as the old basterd's wizened clawlike thumb and fourfinger grasped the tip of the hair in a dainty way. Granfather gently twirled it, and winced his eyes at the computor screen which happened to be logged into some obscure Newsgroup called somthin like:
alt.hairy.guinessrecords.disgustingGranfather was also on the telephone headset. He was barkin on the phone with someone. A steaming teacup sat on the table just beneath Granfather and I noticed that inside was a bag of tea, MY tea, my speciel Souchou Lapsong tea, which is impossible to get for 100 miles arround this tiny little town, and it was my last bag of it. We got a ton of Lipton in the cupboard, and WHY the old basterd has to use the last bag of MY tea really got me P.O.'ed. Junior's big sad tear filled eyes stared at me, as he pleaded in an allmost silent voice, "Hepp me! Please hepp me!"
Do you remembor when I was on the phone at work and I heard Granfather on the othor end torturing Junior? Now I knew how. The old basterd was using poor Junoir to surf the danm web. Yes, he was using anothor man's flesh in barbaric disregard in order to satisfy the evil cravings of his own.
Granfather turned his head toword me, and his yellow eyes frowned, "JEST ONE MORE SECOND, BOY, I'M ON THE PHONE."
I started hollerin at Granfather to LET JUNOIR GO, and he ignored me as he finished his phonecall, on which he hapenned to be suprisingly polite.
"I PERFICKLY AGREE WITH YOU, MR. MIRSKY, YOU DONE DID THE RIGHT THANG," Granfather growled almost graciously into the headset phone, "'COURSE, I PUSSONALLY WEAR ADULT DIAPERS, BUT EVEN STILL, I WOUDN'T WANT THE BOY WEARIN' MAH UNDERPANTS NEITHER."
After a few minutes the beastly geezer hung up. He glowered at me like a savage cornered viper and slowly puffed on a stumpy filterless Lucky that seemed to have less than a milimeter to go.
"IT AIN'T WHUT YOU THINK, BOY," the old basterd grunted, "I'M NEKKID, AND JUNIOR'S NEARLY SO, BUT THAR AIN'T NOTHIN' KINKY GOIN' ON, TRUST ME."
I hollored, "Oh, somthings KINKY allright," and agian I hollered at him to let Junior go.
Granps started hollerin at me back, and he was especialy angry that I had slipped him that dermal powder compound as to disengage his abilitty to navigate the web. Defiantly, he dropped the The General Lee and raised up and shoved his beef jerkylike gnarled claw of a hand in my face and snapped, "I AIN'T LISTENING.
"TALK TO THE CLAW, BOY, TALK TO THE CLAW.
"You are in so much troubel," I threatenned.
"OH, AH AM SOOOO FRIGHTENED!"
"I TELL YUH: GO 'HEAD AND USE THET SNAKE POWDER ANTYTIME," he shouted, "I'LL JUST USE JUNIOR TO SURF THE WEB!"
At that moment sudenly Grafather released Junior's ear and our large almost unclothed yet exessively hirsute neighber dropped to the floor and convulsed and writhed and wept in the fetal position on the linolium. I swear, between the two of them, they coud star in a live action sadist's version of Pinky and Brain.
"Oh, Walter it was turrible!," sobbed Junior. "Grampy done used my parts--ALL MAH PARTS, on thet thar flesh-acty-vated gizmo."
Poor junoir is hard to undorstand anyway, but when he is blubering he is especially incoherent. He was yammering about some soap commercial on TV. I kind of wished he woud shut up, because I had Granfather to deal with.
"You know thet Lever soap whut warshes yer two thousand parts?," he blubbored, "Waal, Grampy done used all mah two thousand! Please don't make me describe it, Walter, PLEASE!"
I said, "Junoir, I promise I will not." And then I asked Junior why he even bothors to come ovor our house when he knows Granfather is going to abuse him.
"Cause Grampy called me an' TOLD me to!," Junior bawled, "Cause I dont got no one in this WORLD, 'cept Grampy! Boo hoo hoo!"
Granfather turned to face me, and pointed to Junior. "PITIFUL, AIN'T IT, BWAH?
"THET THAR IS YOU IN TWENNY YEARS. MAKES A SUPRISE 'MISTER DRIPPY' ON THE SUBWAY TRAIN NOT LOOK TOO BAD BY COMPARISON, DON'T IT, BWAH?"
"That's enuogh Granfather," I said. It is a teribble thing when I am the one who has to be the boss of the house. Next I said to Junior, "You can go home now." Junior looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Kin I stay anyways? Kin I? Kin I?," he begged. I told Junoir to please go home NOW. He scurreid out like a frightened animal, still wearin only his shorts.
The rickety door of the trailor slammed shut, and Granfather and I just sort of locked eyes. We started at eachother for mabye a minute or so without a word. Granfather was still squatted on the table, the soles of his feet flat, and all six toes of his left foot drumming impatiently on the formica veneer.
"WHUT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?...AH SAID, WHUTCHU LOOKIN AT, BWAH? TELL ME?"
Just then my hands gripped the back of the kitchon chair to steady myself. Oh God no. I told you at the top of this page that what I saw was disgousting. Inside the teacup he was soaking his scrotom. Granfather senced the revulsion on my face. He began to defend himself and tell me that he saw this on the History Channal. He said how ancient people in India used to dunk their rocks in hot tea to raise the temprature as a form of birth control. This way, afterword, during romantic rellations when you "Deploy the troops" as they say, the little fellers are confused from being heated up and swim in circles all floppin and twitching and bangin into each othor insted of in a straight line up to the womb.
"IT'S COMPLETELY NATCHERAL," said the old basterd in a haughtey, bragging way, "BIRFF CONTROL WITH NO CHEMICALS, OR NOTHIN.'"
I was flabborgasted. "That is MY tea!" I yelled.
"HELL. IT'S YOUR TEACUP TOO.
BEEN USIN' IT ALL WEEK.
'COURSE, I NEVER TOLD YOU I WUZ."
My stomoch grumbled and spasomed. Sudenly I had to barf.
I ran into my bedroom and flung myself on my bed and creid. Even when no one is around I am houmilliated just being related to him. Yes i know its childish. Aftor a few minutes I heard a thump, some painful cursing and then there was a knock on the door. I opened it and Granfather was there. He still was squatting.
"THEY DO THIS IN INDIA, BOY!
"They do NOT do this in India," I said.
"THEY USE IT FOR BIRFF CONTROL!"
"Then why are there so many people there?"
"CAUSE THEY ALL DON'T YET KNOW ABOUT IT! THAT'S WHY IT'S ON THE HISTORY CHANNOL!"
"Why'd you use the last bag of MY tea? We got 100 bags of Lipton tea! And for Godsake, why MY cup? Why not your OWN cup!"
"WAAL, THET'S MAH TEA! AND MAH CUP: THEM'S MAH STUFF! AH DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS FER YOU!"
"YOU'RE A DUMBASS!"
Your a horroble disgousting pervert!"
"I ALREADY 'SPLAINED IT TO YUH: IT'S BIRFF CONTROL.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GIT YER DANM MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER?"
"Why dont YOU get your danm balls out of my tea cup?"
"HEPP ME, BWAH."
"Help you what?"
"UN-SQUAT ME, I'M STUCK."
I had to carry the old bastord out into the hall and creak and crack his scraggly limbs straight.
"I WANT YOU TO GO OUTSIDE AN' FEED THEM DOGS AND GOATS AN' HENS. Y'HEAR ME, BWAH?"
"Yes sir," I said.
"NOW THEN," the old basterd contineud, "THET TEA IS STILL SETTIN' ON THE TABLE. I WANT YOU TO GO OUTSIDE AN' POUR IT 'ROUND THE FENCE POST NEAREST THE HEN HOUSE.
WE DONE GOT THEM POWDER-POST BEETLES AGINN, AN' NOTHIN'S GOOD BUG POISON LIKE HOT TEA WHUT MY 'BOYS' DONE BEEN SOAKED IN."
After I came back in the house Granfather was still botherin me. He is so danm anoying i cant stand it.
Granfather has the personallity of a demented scorpion to be sure. But you shoud not ever try to piss off a demmented scorpion. Or for that mattor, even relate to it like it was human.
When I came in the house I saw that Granfather, who was still completely buck nude had dragged the Personal Copier out of my room and with the extension cord set it up on the kitchon floor where he once again squatted, but this time no longer on a teacup, as now, while pressing bare hams on the flat glass with bursts of green light escaping from beneath he burned in sharp monochrome resollution multiple crisp images of his nakad boil encrusted ass, which, as soon as they came out of the printer he tore them out and fed them into the fax machene and pressed SEND as with a screeching modem sound they arrived at anothor fax in the Office of the County Clerk.
Why the County Clerk was so mad at Granfather this time.