Walter Millers Hompage

Speciel Sci-Fi Feature

The Top 1O Reasons my Granfather is Probly An Alien

Oh theres ALLOT more than 10. Even if you count just his physicol anomalies. Yet much of his unearthliness lies in earthey behavor thats just plain out of this world.

Like when he howls at the moon. Not just at the full moon like youd think but only when the planets are aligned--you cant tell this unless you check a almanac. And he never does so how the hell does he know?. Also we have 14 dogs and you know when humans howl how dogs like to join in. Not ours. Were in a rurol area with coyotes too and when granps howls at the sky domestic and feral beasts alike cower with fear & shut the hell up. Granfather also surfs Keelynet and Alein archive sites mumbling like a deranged fool.

Plus he has many British and Australien PHd email pals--posibly mad profesors. Also he surfs the web humming that 5 note bar of music from the Close Encuonters OfThe 3rd Kind film that aleins played over and over in peoples head. With the cigarete clenched tight in his teeth he more grunts than hums the 5-notes:
And frankly (and I hope this isnt TOO disgusting) but each time he hums those 5 notes, the very next load "released for launch" whether in his adult diaper or a toilat, in adition to a distink intergalactic stench, has a unusual pronounced morphology most remarkobly in the shape ofthe famous landmark so promonently featured in that film, Devils Towor in Wyoming. Or Montana. Or wherever the hell itis.

To honor our 9 planets plus the unknown one Im sure HES from I kept the list to 10, presenting, in no particolor order:

The top 10 reasons why I belive Granfather is an alein

Face On Mars Boil

Before the Vision of Mary on the Florida office bilding and the Mother Teresa cinnoman muffin there was the famous Face On Mars photo. You probly seen this shadowy aerial shot of a mountain lookin perfecly like the guy who was onthe US dime before FDR except is wearin a helmet.

Well brace yorself: The SAME FACE was on a boil 2 months ago. I wont say EXATLY where on his body but lets say even his reticulated neck coudnt reach it. I was ready to lance the sucker as is my job when i told him what I found. He demanded a mirror. You know hes tryin to get in the Guiness book or atleast Riply Belive it or Not and he usualy wants a Poloroid or plaster cast of all odd bodily things...But not this time.

YOU AGIAN! he screamed at it then grabed a boxcutter off the counter roaring GET OFF MY ASS and would of got cut bad if i didnt stop him. That night very drunk he admited it WAS the same face as the one on Mars. He said he cant explain cause i woudnt understand but DID say the face was a sort of 'meglomaniacal celesteil Donold Trumplike being' and the unwelcome ass boil was some kind of anoying marketing spam. WAIT TILL WIRELESS BANDWIDTH GITS THAT BIG ON EARTH he said to me just before passin out.

Crop Circles

An old standby unexplaned mystery, not a meaty one with aleins but a starchy grainy nonthreatening staple nonetheless with unknown purpose or sorce. Well I know their cause:

Granfathers farts i swear it. Not all his rancid gas stays on earth. If that was so wed be extinked. Doctors say average humans seep out 2 quarts of intestine gas eachday in aditoin to normal conscious farts. Now with my beastly progenitor that sum is surely up inthe Inperial gallons. But wheres it all go?

A theory from an MIT guy who wrote me says grampys MOST potent expulsons are of elements OFF the peroidic chart. Polorized electric charges of the atmosfere whisk the gas to space, break in milions of peices then bounce off solor winds to recapitulate themself back down to the earth in other locales crashing to the surface in circuler concentric patterns flattoning crops.

Space-Time vialations

Yes men fart, woman 'pas gas' and babys float sweet tiny air cookys but the basterd belts out biscuits that bolt out to the Van Alan Belt. Some so strong they pierce the space-time continuum.

Granfather bougt a case of rancid hotdogs at a auction 3 decades ago (suposedly to use as fertolizer--yeah rihgt he ATE half of it) coinciding with the celebrated UFO Flap of 1967. Other space/time punctures continu to this day to reverborate back in time. We know 2 of them as the 1883 Krakatoa eruption and the Siberia exploson of 1908. One theory says it wont stop till it goes back tothe Big Bang.

He knows it too: 10 years ago our famly went to the San Fransisco wharf and granfather let one rip that broke a guys glasses standing near us plus about 12 fish floated bellyup to the surface and he imediatly laghed and said WHOO! ONE DAY THAT ONE'LL SCOOT BACK IN TIME TO BE MOUNT PELEE

more Top 10