Walter Miller's Home Page

Specail Sci-Fi Feature

The Top Ten Reasens my Granfather is Probley an Alein

He survives electrocutoin

This storys from my dad. As a teenagor he came home from school one day to a sizling sound plus smoke, steam and a awful burnt meat odor comin from the trailer. He found granfather voilently shakin in the bathtub buck ass nekid with the TV set IN THE WATER WITH HIM PLUGED IN. The old basterd was thrashing like a bluecrab when you throw him in the pot of boilin water and hes scramblin like crazy to get out but cant. Dad unpluged the TV an gramps colapsed. He asked HOW LONG WERE YOU LIKE THAT an he said SINCE DAMN 'JOKERS WILD' WAS ON which means he took a solid voltcharge for 4 hours.

Dad caled an amboulance but the hospitol sent the old coot home. He was realy no worse for wear other than a profoundly wrinkoled waterlogged ass, every hair on his body stickin out like a porkupine for the next 3 weeks and bad case of soap burn up his schween from it soakin in soapsuds all day. (Remember this was back in the 1970s, the halcion days of hexachlorophine soap. Plus we have hard water. It must of danm burnt like hell.) ONLY an alien coud live thru THAT. On a brihgt note anywhere on his miserable carcass there was any 'waxy yellow buildup' and belive me theres LOTS of places the wax was vaperized off.

That nihgt he scared the hell out of Dad by pretendin to have a horroble dream an kept screamin DONT PULL THE SWITCH WARDEN! AAAAAIGGH! He kept it up till Dad woke up cryin. Granfather holered back SHUT UP BOY an told the poor kid to go back to sleep or hed get up an give him a beltwhipping. Then the old bastord luaghed his ass off. Saddistic monstor.

He survives S.H.C.

...which we all know is the phemonema of Spontanaous Human Combustion. (Or Sub Human combustion--take your pick).

Youve heard the tales: A gentleman roasts infront of a crowd dancing a Lindy. An old lady fries in her chair sipping tea alone at home while watching 'Keeping Up Apearences' on the BBC. They say S.H.C is caused by naturol electrolyte conflagratoin and once it hapenns the fat on your body burns you up like a hueman candle.

One morning around 1981 while standing inline at a MacDonalds hoping to buy somthing called a McDLT this mysteruois scourge hit the scuourge of our family. Fortunately granfather imedietly knew what was hapening and so he forced out a massive fart. Now i know what your thinkin: normaly his farts are quite flamable but what it did in this case was make a flashing explosoin that put out the S.H.C. much in the same way they drop a small blast bomb on an oil well fire to put it out.

And BOY he dropped a blast bomb. They had to close the Macdonolds and also the Burgor King next door.

Granfather was at Roswell

I signed pappers with granfathers lawyors saying Im not aloud to mentoin his name or adress on the web plus our town in Texas but i CAN say were closor to New Mexico than any other state. And when granfather howls at the sky he faces west toword Roswell.

Thruouot his evil childhood, the old bastord (who at that time was known as 'the young basterd' or more commenly 'the little bastord') was ofton sent to stay with relatives for weeks at a time as pounishment for recalcitrent behavoir.

One July day in 1947 a remarkably ugly yuongster on the cusp of pubbescence with wirey black hair, leathory blotched yellowey brown skin and long apelike arms hapenned to be rambling down a dirt track on a joyride in a truck he managed to hotwire from a nearby Army base with 2 other tattered juviniles next to him as he drove. Well acording to one of the kids who confesed on his deathbed years later a strange creatore climbed out of a mysterious sealed box inthe back ofthe truck and into the drivers cab area and begun to attack them.

The truck careened into trees and crashed. Then granfather jumped on the entity and a savage fight insued. He chased it in the woods an came back to the truck with green slime all over his moulth and ass. This is quite eearie but nieghborhood children claimed that granfather was acting weird (instaed of merely just evil) and from that time on had an incredibly hiddeous insurmountable smell.

Today me and my sister-in-law beleive (while the rest of the family DOES NOT) that perhaps him and the creatore CHANGED PLACES or mabye it even climbed INSIDE HIM.

The Roswell UFO story swept the crashed stolon truck incodent out of the local newspapers. Granfather has vocifferously denied the story since about 1960 but before then he did brag for years he "found the spaceman" tryin to hide behind a cactus an he grabed it and in his words POUNDED THET LITLE ALIEN BASTERD BODY BLACK AND BLUISH-GREEN.

More Top 10