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The Top 10 Reasons Granfather is probly An Alein


Like many people did in W.W.2 Gramps sold a few hairs tothe US Army--not as gun crosshairs as most people did but as nucular missle filaments & coil springs (I WONT say from where on his body). None of his hair ever saw battle. They worked fine but stunk so bad the Army belived they violated chemicol warfare pacts. Also, an eldorly Nikola Tesla peformed magnetic tests onthe wicked tyke for use in secret wepons.

Gramps later served in Korea. (Quite involuntery--I may do a future top 10 on Ways he Dogded The Draft--and if you think the 'peanutbuter manuver' was invented by Frank Zappa your WRONG.)

Aftar basic training (which coincidad with a heretofore unexplaned 100% atrition rate for area prosttutes), he shipped out.

Stupid, ugly, an easy to track due to distinct stink, he was soon captored. His experence was alot like the Manchurien Candidate exept THEY were more scared of HIM and wore gasmasks from his rancid B.O. Then sudenly, allover the hospitol lawn, buried clay pots of kimchee (fermented Korean cabbage) exploded from over-fermentaton. Yes Grampys burps & farts acelorated germenation of methane within the subteranean cabbage. Pots blew like land mines.

The enemy relized a secret weapen was at hand and kicked him out before the whole frigin contryside was ablaze. They contacted Gen McArthur saying they acidently got a US human experoment & wanted badly to return it.

The Pentogon brass was all flustored, then ignorently admited with nervos cleared throats and pokor faces, OH YES WE KNOW, WE GOT A WHOLE ARMY OF THEM and called it:

"Human Incendeiry Device Experoment Of the United States" or PROJECT HIDEOUS

The North Korens had the crap scared outof them an returned him with profuse apology--the only War Prisnor ever oficialy released specificly for "bad odor".

Statoined at Area 51

After Korea the human anomoly went direct to Area 51 Nevada spending 4 secret years, never sayin a word of what went on. But they say his farts took paint off artilery giving rise to 'Black Helicoptor' legends.

Durin his physicol exam, MacArthur insisted on bein present, later remarking in a letter to Alan Dulles:

"I know not if I believe that little green men have nigh visited our desert Southwest, but I do have now living proof that the Conquistidors mated with the buffalo."

His primary care physicain is a Cryptozoologist

Ovbiosly granfater needs whats called a "specialist." Perhaps a vetinarian. Or a herpotologist--any expert in nonhumans. Our family doctor, who I mentoin so often in these pages? Merely a stooge who writes the old troll prescriptons. No, those who examine granfather MOST and are crypto-zoomen--who search & discovor new animol species.

Yes its hard to belive but the giant Panda is only known since the 20th Centry as is the worlds largest lizerd, the Komodo dragon. Well so is our own "Commode dragon." The Crypto Doc, plus 2 other researchers stop by in a big white Ford van each month to poke prod & peer but not before theyre read the riot act: ILL PISS IN YER CUPS AND SPEW ON THEM LIL' GLASS SLIDES ALL YOU FELLERS WANT BUT I GIT $100 A DAY CASH UP FRONT. He gets it too.

I often say to them: As long as your down there how bout WASHIN HIS ASS off with the gardon hose if you dont mind.

Gramps also has a rare conditon, Thermochromata Epiderma--best way to discribe it is those cofee mugs that pictures appear on when you add hotwater. Youv seen them. He gets weird red and blue marking and swirly hiroglyphics on his ass and legs even his scrotum resembling the same alein writing as onthe Roswell UFO

What am I sugesting here? Nothing. Lets see what the futore holds...

Bermuda Triangle Conection

As far as unsolved mysteries go, The Bermuda Tringle has become sort of the "Perry Como" of traditionol unexplaned phenomona: Big at one time, still alive (uh, at least I THINK so), but not particulrly in the news of late as bein obscured by more trendy perplexties like UFO adbuctons, urban vampires, and the Chupacabra.

Theres a reason for this. In 1979 granfather went deepsea fishin off Florida. As usual he had to crap and probly anounced outloud somthing like: AYE MATEY POINT ME TO YER SCURVY HEAD SO'S TO DROP ME WIGGLY FISHES. (Yes he uses anoying pirate talk whenevor hes on a boat--even a ferry).

To mak a long story short whatever toxic dripings he droped in the head burned a big hole in the toilet, then the hull, then leached in the sea makin a choclatly oilslick 8 miles long. The Coast Gaurd never reported any unexplaned enigmas in the regoin again. Mabye there WAS monstors or aleins there at one time. But whatevor it was NOWS DEAD.

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