Directionlessley Careening out of Control into The 21st Century
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In any case, then, just when I treid to steady Granfather after Juniour let go, Granfather made his eyes roll back, and said, "LOOKY HERE! LOOKY HERE!" which he knows grosses me out. The danm eyes rolled all the way back to where the green part meets the blue part, and for us humans, that translates into the part where the white part becommes the pink part. I thoght i was goingto puke, and also Granfather knows how irrissistable it is not to look when he says "looky here."
Yes, this is a form of abuse and the abbusive old coot realy knows how to press my buttons and OK I admit it I started cryin. The flaming fire of methaine wasnt extremly painful but insted it was more upsetting that his lack of total disregard toword me shoud be so blatent, and this all coming rihgt after I was so heartbrokon over the fact that I might lose him.
Also I was very houmiliated to be treated this way, even thuogh it was only my brother, Junior and the three cryptozoologists who have been studying him who I got hummilliated in front of. My crying started first with just some sniffling but then as I began argeuing with him I do admit I got a little loud and weepy.
"I CAIN'T TAKE YER WHINY FUSS. IT'S ENOUGH TO SEND AN OLD MAN BACK IN A COMA.
I replied to him that i woudnt be so upset if I hadnt just spent a month worreying about wether he woud live or die. Thinkin abbout that made me even more emotionol. I layed my end of the Special Patented Atmosphereic Enema(R) that had the basterd atached to it onto the porch, and then ran into my room aned slammed the door, cryin even more.
"I SAID QUIT YER DAMN BAWLIN, BWAH!," he screamed, "YOU DONE SOUND LIKE CELENE DION WIT HER DANM LAIG CAUGHT IN A POSSUM TRAP!"
But i did not care, I contineud to cry with my head burried in my pillow. My feelings were that hurt. Also I may have a sort of high-pitched bawl (only when i am very upset) but even still is was deeper than Barry White next to Granfather's danm chickon cackle.
And, getting back to the sceintiffic research end of it, well, pardon me, but after all those years of spendin money and research grants, it seems that othor than determinning that he is a some sort of proto-human with Austrolopithocene craniol features and the I.Q. of a pygmy marmoset, (which you coud alredy tell just by lookin at his friggin face), they still dont even know WHAT the old sunofobbich is.
Thruogh the thin closet-type door on Granfather's room, we heard the horiffic, savage slurps and grunts of his hoglike eating. You coud tell the old basterd was a litle loneley and wanted to dine with us. But we were so upset with him, that this was a form of "time out" for him.
"LEMME EAT WITH Y'ALL...COME ON!"
Then he began to bellow like the The Elephent Man:
and then quickley he added, somwhat reflectiveley, "WAAL, NOW, MEBBE I AM AN ANIMAL, BUT I CAIN'T HEPP IT, AN' BESIDES, THET AIN'T NO REASEN FER Y'ALL TO SHUN ME."
We contineud to leave him alone for a while. But the urge to offend and tourment his fellow man is somthing Granfather canot live without, and so we descided to make peace with him after a few hours.
Entering his room, Granfather at first treid to ignore us. He was watchin a tape of Beverly Hills 90210 one of his favorrite shows, a show that he'd missed sevoral eppisodes of while in the coma. The six of us crowded arround the old basterd in the dark room, lit only by the blue glow of the TV, and the yelloew glow of the flame jet comin out of his side, over which he leaned his ghastley face to light a Lucky in his lips.
"PORE DYLAN," said the old basterd, "HE'S SO TWISTED. SO TRAGIC. AND YES, SO MISUNDERSTOOD."
Sudenly he turned his mottled salt-water-crocodilian eyes toword us.
"THIS AIN'T AN APOLOGY, BUT I JEST WANT TO TELL Y'ALL THET I DON'T REALLY LIKE "I FEEL PURTY" IN GERMAN."
Granfather went on to tell us that the onley reasen that he included it in both his living will and his video will was to torture his two brothors.
"FELLERS, YOU KNOW WHAT A CHEAP ASS SUMBITCH I IS.
"SO, GO ON, TAKE THE FIFTY. AN' HAVE SUPPER AT THET PLACE, ON ME.
"IF YOU CAIN'T CELLY-BRATE MUH DEATH, YOU KIN AT LEAST SAVOR THE HOPE OF THINGS TO COME."
Granfather made sure that just me, my brother and Junior woud go, NOT the three sceintists. Not that 6 people coud have a fancy supper on fifty bucks anyway.
"Y'ALL THREE ARE ON THE TIME CLOCK!," Granps barked at Madison, Ripke and Blankenship.
"SO GIT ON AN' START EXAMINING MUH SCRAGGLY ASS AND MAKIN' SOME MORE NEW, DISGUSTING DISCOVERIES!
B 'FORE I HOP UP IN THIS HERE BED AN' BITE YER NUTS OFF!"
The rest of the night was sort of uneventfull. At one part of the middel of the night I heard weeping. It was a familor weep, that of Ripke's.