Walter Miller Homepage

June 96 Update

Page 3 of 4

I wish i didnt have to drive 2 hours to go to Sears but its one of the few places around where you can get those big plastic yellow containors of Boric Acid powder with the nozzle on the top at a good price. I put the powdor all over granfathers body, plus his hair to kill fleas and absorb oders. I wear gloves and a facemask. It stays on for 2 days. He looks like an annorectic version of the friggin Pillsboury Doughboy. Granfather says the powder elliviates itching. When it starts to cake an turn yellow, I hose him off on the back porch an dry him with the blowdryer. It controles the stink for about a week, if Im luckey.

Come see the Softor Side(tm)

The first thing the old basterd does is complain that he cant smoke in the store. Then he yells that there are no faccilities for people in wheelchairs. This is a lie. Sears is very accommodating. Also, granfather has been known to roll down escallators, bouncing along in the chair, and hes even strong enough to wheel himself UP an escalator, so I have to watch him. He never did it in a store, but he did it in the airport once.

Granfather yells, spits, sprays, sings wierd songs, rambles, mumbles and scraems intermittenly the whole time hes in the store. People think hes a senile madman. Lately, theres a song he just keeps singing over and over at the top of his lungs. Its a song from his twisted childhood and it goes to the tune of "Brigde Over The River Kwai" which is often whistled and i think is also known as "Colonel Bogey". It goes like this:

Hitler has only got one ball
Goring has two but very small
Himmler has somthing Similar
And poor Goeballs
Has No Balls
At all

Ive been hearing this damn song day in and day out for 5 weeks now, and CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

They dont pay there staff for THIS

The abuse of the Sears staff begins in the ellectronics department when grampa loudly complains to Sears that there subsiddiary, Prodigy, sucks. Heavven help them if they happen to have Prodigy running on a machine down there. Atcually, granfather realy likes Prodigy, (and also I heard that Sears sold Prodigy), but granfather likes to give them a hard time about Progidy anyway: Its too slow, not enough porno pitcures, not enough content for senior cittizens, not enough good colecctibles for sale on the BBs, etc. He always says AOL is better. The fact is the stuppid basterd doesnnt even know what AOL is.

On to the Clothes Departmant

Next its time for granfather to brouse the mens wardrobe. No Johny Carson labels for him--this is a pastel colored liesure suit man. He insists on complainin that that theres nothing with that special 1974 look he likes. I try to get him to not stop there as any peice of clotthing he trys on is UNSALEABLE once it has contact with his oozing smelly skin. He also sings the "Softer side of Sears" song over and over, and changes the lyrics to be very disgusting. He can add-lib like no one else--hes very talented, but boy is it nastey. Also, he always makes some mean Winney The Poo cracks to the poor salesman like "I heard K-Mart and WallMart are kicking your ass, so you had to fire Winney The Poo" and then he laughs.

I Want A credit card!

One thing thats a pain in the ass when you go there is they always ask you to fill out the credit card applocation. Well they DONT ask granfather! But he insists on doing it just to get the free gift. Hes such an awful man they just give him the free gift anyway to get rid of him but he demands they let him fill out the application. He always puts names on it like: I.P. Daily, Major Assburn, and Eileen Dover. In the box marked "SEX" he crosses out "M" and "F" and writes "ocassionally". The whole time hes grunting, clearing his throaght, spitting and farting. His farts are incredible, and people will evaccuate the aisles if he layes one nearby, and the pollyester weave of the clothes on the rack will start to melt and fuse from the smell. I swear it, each time he makes a fart, Im surprised its not assigned a name by the Nationol Weather Service.

CONTINUED:Then its off to the hardware department