Walter Miller Homepage

June 96 Update

Page 4 of 4

Welcome to Hardwear

The poor people in the store never know whether to call the cops on him or just have somone follow him around with a bucket an mop. Well they should of this time.

First a little fammily history: When my older brother was about three years old, granfather took him to Sears where we used to live in California. My brother had to go to the bathroum an granfather (with his sick sence of humor) brought him to the display toilet in the hardware department and told him to go in there. Even though my brother was only three he distincly remembers granfather tellin him to "hop on an drop a log, boy". Granfather thought it was very cute becuase someone from Sears had to clean the tiolet BY HAND becuase it was only a display and not hooked up to a pipe. He made some excuse that the kid was bein toilet-trained and we shoudnt disturb him. Of cuorse it was on a Saturday morning and hundreds of people saw.

Later, all while we grew up, granfather told all of my brothers freinds (especialy girls) what he had done when he was a little kid. It's ammazing my brother doesnt have to be in therappy, like me.

Well twenty years later on granfather's latest trip to Sears, when I had lost him for a few minutes, I immedeately put 2 and 2 together and realized where he might be--down in the hardware section. Yes, two plus 2 equals "Number Two."

Geuss where I found him

All I did was follow the crowd, and there was granfather doin his business right there in public on the toilat that was supposed to be only for display, laughin his ass off while makin a splashy, disgousting milkshake-like mess and unbellivable toxic stink that was probably courdling all of the paint and motor oils while still in their containers. I tell you for a public performence, granfather must of set a new record. (Let's just say I didnt know the old basterd was capable of so much "bandwidth".)

When I came there to get him, he stopped laughing and started pretending that he was cryeing, and told the securrity guard there that I was his "abbusive grandson" and the one who propped him up on there! He said I was a mean home care provider, that he was trapped living with me, and that I abbused and hummiliated him for laughs. Sneakey basterd.

The floor manager at the Sears took a look at the splatter on the toilet and it appeared that granfather's raddioactively toxic crap would etch and ruin the ennamel on the porcelian. I had to give them my name and address, because they said that if they coudnt get the stains off, we had just bought ourselves a deluxe toilet. Boy did he laugh his ass off on the way home.

Updates on my love life

Speakin of granfather, I must say that in the midst of his creulty, he did make an effort to chear me up the other day regarding my romantic problems. I was in my room cryeing over losing my Belloved counselor--as you recall, she resigned from councilling me for profesional reasons because i had a crush on her and it was a conflict of interest. (My new counslor is a jerk.) Well I cry about 2 hours a day now beccause i miss her so much. But that is down from about 4 huors a day. She is 34 and i am 20 and there is an age differnce--also, she says that she likes me only as a FREIND. (Yea, right, that's what they all say, its the friggin STOREY OF MY LIFE). So anyway granfather silently wheeled into the room while i had my head burried in my pillow. (I didnt hear him, but i did smell him). He sprinkelled some cigarette ash on my bed (which for him is a form of affection) and grunted at me something like "Well, boy, theres more fish to fry out there in the pond." Then he wheeled right out and hollered back at me that i woud find another wench to pine after and i shouldnt spank my yodel off over this one. Later on for most of the day he made cruel, miserable fun of me, but i know he made a small effort.

Well thats it for now. A new update will come next month. If you want you can write to me at

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