Walter Miller's Homepage

Quantity; Not Quality.

The Second of two Updates for July 1998 (coming to you in mid August)

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Did you ever see a poodle, and old elderley poodle dog when they are white or mabye peach colorred and also about 80 years old in poodle years and they have that awfull crusty syrupy lookin mucky eye crap around their eyes? Well if you do you are startin to get an idea of what Granfather looks like when he is watchin television so intentley that he willnot (or cannot) even close his eyes lest he miss a microsecond of a new show that he is insanely atached to. In this case the Giunness Book Of Records Show on the Fox Network. It is more grosser than you can imagine. (Granfather, not the Show).

As you know i ended my last update by writting about how the old basterd had me cornered in a linen closet and i also said that I was trapped in there for three days. Well that was partley an exagoration. You see there is a back panel of the closet that is removable and so i was able to sqeueeze myself out of it and into the little cubby where we keep the water softenor and from there I coud shimmy out into the crawlspace under the trailer. I used to use this secret escape to avoidd the wrath of my now deceased Grandmothor back when she was still alive when she used to come aftor me screamin bloody hell to whack me to a pulp with the wooden spoon for somthing that she assumed that i did, but it was probly more likely that my brother did it; (she never quite was able to tell us apart).

In any event I said that i was "trapped there for three days" for a numbor of reasons. One was a poor ecxuse for my continued lateness with these homepage updates. The othor reason was so people woud feel sorry for me. Yes it is shamefull to prey on people's sympothy and embarasing for me to admit. I have never thrown a party for myself but I am sure that if i ever did it woud be a pity party.

Somthing new: No apologeis

Usualy in this part of the update I spend a few simpering parragraphs whining on about how sorry I am. I will not do so this time. Yes my counselor confronted me on this. She said to me, "Walter, if a person keeps on appollogizing for the same thing over and over, then you are NOT truly sorry."

But yet I truly am. Somthing allwayes keeps hapening to delay me: Problems at work, probblems at home, and also personol problems. As far as meeting deadlines, I KEEP trying and KEEP tryin and yet I keep failing. And I truly AM sorry, irreggardless of what my counselor thinks. Obviously the woman has not walked a mile in my moccosins, as the old Indian, (excuse me), i meant to say Nattive American parable goes. (Ovbiousley she has never developped net applications in NT because these too are allways late no mattor how hard you bust your ass).

So I will NOT appollogize for being late, Howevor I woud like to apologize for the poor quality of my writing lateley as well as a generol downbeatedness which has persisted in this hompage for the past 3 years. I will try to improve.

Before we get into the Update: The Netscape bug

Are peoplle still having problems acessing my page with Netcape? I myself had had a few problems. Also, when I click any of the news options off of Altavista, and i am in Netscape, my screen freezes. Please let me know if you cannot read my page in Netscape. (Not that i can do aneything about it -- but it is just good to know).

Speakin of Netscape, Bernard In Conecticut was kind enuogh to point out to me a list of window options which come up when you select "Related Sites" for Walter Miller's Homepage in Netscape Comunicator 4.5. Why they list these 10 sites (and in this order) is beyond me. But in any case, the sites that Netscape thinks are rellated to Walter Miller's homepage, in order are:

Bedell Music/Comedy Recordings


Sojourner House

Steely Dan

Really Scary

Global Emergency Medical Archives

Helmet Law Defense League

SCSI FAQ (Facetiously Answered Questions)

April Fools On The Net

dee - zeine||||Annihilation

OK, some of these I can see, like the Emergencey Medicol Archives, and also the SCSI one, (onley because 'SCSI' is pronounced "scuzzy" -- a word that was atcualy invented in 1958 by a beat generation poet who was inspired by Granfather, who was just as evil and hideous in those days but mutch youngor).

But Steely Dan? And the Helmet Law thing? I hope the same people who picked these sites werent the same ones fixing those danm screen freezing bugs.

Also: A rumour that is not true

I have got 37 e-mails from peoplle congrattulating me for my work on the new film, There's Something About Mary. That is allot of emails in a short perriod of time about one movie. Let me just say that I was not invollved in that film. I did see it and it was funny as hell. But i reppeat, I did not write it. Thanks anyway I am flattored.

More mail from Americca's Heartland

More people have wrote in, in response to my wacky boss's comment that people from the state of Ilinois (where she is from) like eat Mirracle Whip brand imitation Mayonaise straite from the jar with a large spoon.

I have had more peopple from neighboring Indiana writing in to say, "What can you expect from the state where Ronold Reagan was born."

I also have peoplle from Ilinois writing in to say, "Hell no, its those Indiana people who do it and what can you ecxpect from the state where Dan Qualye was born."

Folks, it is time for this War Between the States to end. I realize that the ONLY addmissions to this odd eating habit was people tellin me that OTHERS were the ones who did it. Let us suffice it to say that my crazy boss, and she alone is the only Ilinnoisan who eats Miracol Whip from the jar. (In case you are wondoring, now that she is in Texas it is no longor out of the jar, but out of a Tupperwear containor in our company kitchenette with chives and onion flakes mixed in. I have seen it with my own eyes.)

And irregardless of what she says, she has no right to designate a disgusting personal eating habbit into a poppulor regional cullinery custom. It is like someone saying that just because Walter Miller's Grandfather cleans his ears with oil of citronella and a stainless steel grapefriut spoon that all Texans do so. It is simpley not true.

Speaking of the old bastord:
How I snuck out of the linen closet and went off to work