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I am trying so hard to be a has-been.

The Second of two Updates for July 1998 (coming to you in mid August)

Page 3 of 6

Walter Miller's Guide(R) To Crapping in the Workplace(TM)

Its a time honored American tradition, and, not that I am an expert or aneything, alls i am doing is shairing what I know. (And I will admit that most of what I know, I learned from my freind Stu who I grew up with and who is now a bigshot Internet marketting expert.).

Folks, the folowwing is mildley gross by my normal standerds.

Whether or not you ever poo at work, or if perhapps your reqiurements range from the hectic morning emergencey exploasion to the leg-numbing, hour-long aftornoon all-Four-sections-of-the USA TODAY yawner, I do ask that if you are ofended by this type of thing, to please scrole down to the bottom of this screen and click the link there to contineu reading this month's update. Howevor, my geuss is that if you are here in the first place, it is becuase you, like so many othors have found the internet in generol and my website in particulor to be a splendidd research and edducationol tool for this type of subject. Ah, the workplace crap. Please enjoy.

  • First things first: When 'Numbor 2' is #1
  • Pooping at work is sort of like real estate: The top 3 criteria are, Location, Location, Locattion. The best restroom for you may not be the one your department is designatted to use. Hell, it may not even be on your floor, or in your biulding. For exampol, are you in Systems Developpment? Take a look at your co-workors. Ask yourself: Woud you ever be coght rubbin bare asses with any of these guys? Cause that's what your doing. Yeah, they may know Java and C++, but chances are they dont know how to propporly paper a seat.

    No, you want to take a hike down to Human Resuorces, where, (if youre a guy atleast), you know that this is a female-domminated department with a men's room that's barely used, and even then, only by a few men, and most of these are quite old: Not your pizza-and-Tex-Mex chomping 25-year old coders with ulcers who havent seen daylihgt since Reagan was president.

    Meanwhile, if you are a female in H.R., you know that those old biddies dont go much, but when they do, the stink is bad enuogh to make those tampon machenes on the wall spring off of there bolts onto the floor. (I swear, i never even knew those things existed till I was like, 18). No, ladies, you want to keep an eye out to where the banner ad salespeople go to entertain clients. Go ahead and ask them. Its not that they like these particulor restaurrants. They just like the restrooms.

  • Next step: Timing is everrything.
  • Ah, early morning. In the glint of the flurresent lighting, the newly scrubbed porcelian is screamming white in color. The plastic seat is up. The whole bowl, having been washed and cleanned the night before, seems allmost to be smiling at you. And yes, that creamy green or pink soapy stuff is quietley floating on the still water, waiting to peirced, like the shimmering film of hardened oil on the top of the All Naturol peanut buttor when you take it out of the fridge. Best time, you say, to launch your brekfest muffins?

    Think agian. Acording to my freind Stu, the truly best time to go plops is arround 6:30 PM, just minutes aftor that toilat was first cleaned. Why? Becuase at that time all that liqiud soap is still in the form of fresh suds.

    I personaly am a morning crapper, normolly unable to bear fruit in the evening. But Stu says theres nothin like having all that fluffy foam beneath you to both muffol the acoustical sound effects and also provide some clean cushioning betwean a big "depth chardge" and the dreaded wet "backsplash" that often follows.

  • Save a life: Kill a tree
  • To hell with the envirroment, youve got ass germs to worrey abbout. You need to get some paper on that bowl beffore you press your cheeks on it -- the thicker the bettor, and you know it.

    Today's cheap basterd purchasing deppartments (especialy in the struoggling New Media industrey) usualy stock their johns and janes with those tiny useless squares that you need a whole pile of to even start papering the seat, (and you might as well forget abbout having enuogh of them to wipe your butt).

    Or else they give you those huge auttomobile-wheel-sized econnomy rolls of seedy low cost toilat papper which they alwayes stick way up in those forbidding dispensors made of smokey plastic that slice your wrist when you shove your whole arm up there, which is what you have to do, in order to get the danm loose end of the sheet.

    And cut your wrist is ecaxtly what you want to do beccause when the roll is that big, that bad boy ain't movin, ain't unravelling and all your gonna get for yourself is a few peices in your hand as big as a postege stamp.

    So here's what you do, gentle reader: Head down to the caffeteria. Get yourself a wad of those nice fluffey napkins which in case you havent notticed are the ecaxt width as the toilat seat. Plus they fold out so nicely. So even if yours is a hanging dewlappy ass with pendullous folds, no part of you comes in contact with the bowl.

    We are not talkin War And Peace here; just an inch worth of the nappkins will do for 3 or 4 powerful dumps.

  • Reservations, Aneyone?
  • Youve found your speciel Happy Dumping Ground, and settoled on your special time of the day. This is no mere compromise spot, but, for your needs, and your ass, why its the best danm seat in the house. So how do you save it so no one else uses it?

    The answor is found in the vending area. Get yourself a nice can of ice tea and carefully sprinkol it arround the seat, bowl and backboard. The idea is to make it look like one of the slobs from Ops took a whiz withuot lifting the seat, thereby poisonning this here workstation into being distinckly undesirable.

    Not too heavey a splash, because you dont want people talkin about it in the next staff meeting. (Not too frugol eithor, lest somone else decidde to piss on top of it). Make sure to use regolor ice tea, not diet, because you want the sugary stuff in order to get that dryed, sticky, allmost furrey look on the user interface.

    When its time for you to poo, simpley wipe dry, papper up, and plant your hams. No one will of came close to using this toilet all day long.

  • Making "Reservatons" in truely savage envirroments
  • Where slobs rule, (like here in Cyberblop), as well as in crowded, hectic facillities, (like Netly News' meagor tri-stall outpost on the 5th floor of the TIME-Life Biulding), please undorstand the ice tea trick does not work. Only heavy shrapnol will deter a desperate ass seeking a bowl: Dammitt, YOUR bowl. Be very carefull here with your secret sabotage: By this I mean strictley NO floating Baby Ruth bars or chocollate pudding splattor on the rim, (unless you want your janitoriol staff to quit). Insted, get yorself a coffee cake from the Carousel Vend and brush a few of the big round crummbs into the water. This is all you need. Trust me on this one.

  • A Campiagn of Slandor
  • I have to admitt I actualy have done this one. I never knew it was posibble to love a toilat, till I met that fair milky American Standerd beuty on my first job in California. I wanted her all to myself. The way to do this is to spread workplace rumors. First, you start secretly tellin your freinds things like, "Dont tell no one, but Stall Two overflowed on me again," or else somthin creative like, "Stinky, down in Marketing uses that thing." My personol favorite: "I dont know what the HELL is wrong with that thing but i tell you it was like puttin my ass on a geysor."

    Next, you wanto print out an OUT OF ORDER sign and tape it to the door. If your truely in love, stick a yardstick over the top and lock the danm door from the outside. Learn the limbo to enter it from undorneath.

  • Pick a stall -- but NOT any stall
  • Most workplaces dont give you many choices and so you HAVE to use what they got. If this is your sittuation, alwayes try to use the stall that's closest to the bathrooum door -- Yes, the one where people out in the hallway cant atcually see your feet. This is the bowl that's used the least.

    Do NOT use the far stall furthest from the door: That's the one that's used the most. See, it is just hueman nature to want to pick the furthest bowl from the action. Also, your most forbidding disgousting stuff (and i will not go into detail here) goes on in the farthest off stall. You may notice also that the lightbulds are eithor busted or is sort of dim over the most remote stall. Yes, some pervurt did that on purpose.

    Plus, anothor reason to use the toilat closest to the door is that it allwayes has the strongest pipes. Do you know how Los Vegas casinos allwayes put the loudest slot machene next to the entrence? This way peoplle walk by and say, "Whoa, anothor winner!" Yes, plumbers design it this way, so the biulding tennants say, "Oh crap, what strong toilats this place has!"

  • Safety First
  • Airbourne coliform bacteria virtualy flies in the air after a good flush. The vortex formed by the quickley swirling water causes a low pressure system which sucks fresh air down and vaults harmful inpurities upword. Always flush before crapping, no mattor how clean it looks. If you have a lid, close it. If not, a few of those cafeterria napkins across the water's surface shoud cut down on the silent, invisible sprey. Sound too cautious? Just remembor: If you dont need this stuff in your colon, you sure as hell dont want it in your lungs.

  • When all else fails...
  • ...and the bathroom at work, the ONLY bathroom is disgousting, and you are unable to run home, or hold it in till you get home, here are a few pointers:
  • Master the art of hovoring. (Rollerblading will strenhgten your thighs; rockclimbing will let you hold your knees longer)
  • A spreycan of Lysol goes a long way. (The Lysol peoplle did not pay me a considderation for that mention)
  • Re-watch the movie My Left Foot. If Daneil Day Lewis coud learn to do all he did with just one foot, then the averrage office worker can learn to open doors, faucets and papper dispensors with their elbows.
  • Dont EVER shake hands with no one at work over the Senior Director or V.P. level. What the hell kind of jugdement do you think these peoplle have aftor a three martini lunch?
  • Remmembor what Barry Goldwator said: "A spare roll in your drawor at work is neithor extremmism nor vice." (He probly came up with that line by watching the likes of Ted Keneddy or Strom Thermond in the Senate washroom.)

  • So go ahead. Because you can. Because you have to. And dammitt, because this is America. Go on and sink a kreplach. Drop a kebob. Snip a Chimi. Float a Pirogue, dunk a Latke, bob a Won Ton, and hell, if you have to, willfully disown a gordita, and do it with pride. Take your time, and take a crap -- a crap on the company dime. Thank you.

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