Walter Millers Home Page Speceil Edition

Legends in the Making

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The uncoolest 'Cool' site

On April 8th 1997 Walter Millers Home Page was sellected as Cool Site Of The Day, and i got 13,000 extra hits!!!! Here's the funny part: You can vote on the coolness of the site on a scaile of 1 to 10. My site was voted abbout 3.9 out of 10 which is the SECOND LOWEST since they started colecting cool votes from readers. It would of been the very lowest ecxept that I voted it a "10", and so did Granfather, my dad, my brother, my stepmom, and 8 of my freinds. If it wasnt for that i would of scored lower than this other crappy site that has a total score for the day of 3.8.

YES I ADMIT I tried to vote multipple times. If you do this it brings you to a 'sorry' page. But the funneist part is that the SORRY page has 2 glaring typoes on it. IT SEEMS IM NOT THE OLNY ONE MAKKING TYPOES ON THE INTERNET.

GO TO COOL SITE OF THE DAY NOW and try votting twice for today's site and see for yourself. Also see me archivved on 4/8/97.

Classroom disrupted

A 10th grader in Sasquatchewan, Canada was cought in the age-old stunt of reading contraband material stuck in his regular schoolbook during class--Not a comic book but a printout of my homepage updates. He began luaghing and so the teacher countered with that othor age old stunt of saying: "IF WHAT YOUR READIN IS SO GOOD WHY NOT SHARE IT WITH THE CLASS?

Big misteak, Id say. The kid dutyfuly started readin and upon reaching a particulorly graphic and revealing granfather-related passage, the whole class was gripped with hysterrics including the teacher. Two of the girls (one of them asmatic) began hyporventilating and 3 other children peed there pants. The teacher got in truoble.

Please undorstand that my homepage is enjoyed best in the privacey of ones home or else on those longstretch afternoons at work. Which brings us to...

VERY dressdown casual Fridays

Where else but Hawaii woud this happen: A small firm of 4 workers (who asked me not to reveal what kind of company they are) descided that the familier information age phemonenom of "casual Fridays" just wasnt causal enuogh for them to efectively "blow off steam." So, after agreeing to arrive in work without having bathed no later than Thursday morning, and promising Thursday night to eat lots of gassy foods, these folks are blowin steam allright. After lunch each Friday, instead of doing work, they watch TV, get drunk, and generaly act like Granfather.

In sort of a PG-13 rated version of the childs game Simon Says, all verbol comunications must be at the top of ones lungs, in a rurol Texas acent, and with a cigar or cigaret cletched tight in ones teeth. If its not, the othors IGNORE the person speaking.

On rotating Fridays, one of them has to be "Walter" and CLEAN IT ALL UP. (The guy who owns the business is the only one who dosnt have to be Walter--that figuores). What i feel worst about is that 3 of the 4 have took up smoking and tobaco chewing which are bad habits.

Man Works Clapper

A 44-year old public servent in the Philipines sent along a diary on how he tought himself the Stupid Granfather trick of farting so loud as to set off a lamp atached to a clapper. Here are a few hihglights:
  • Cheapor-priced, Non-trademarked pirated Clapper ripoffs from the Far East dont work as well as the real McCoy.
  • Prime practice hours (atleast for him) are 6 pm to 9pm
  • After a few months of acoustic study, a small paper meggaphone fixed to the clappor is determined to NOT be cheating, as its purpose is not to amplifiey sound but to screen out urban noise polution
  • Finding the best stimulants; (a meal of freid vegtebles and choclate do it best for him)
  • losing 18 pounds for his effarts, the man can now complete the event from 10 feet on a northbound clapper, albeit bare-assed and facing south, with the paper megaphoene adjusted at a 61 degree angle.
  • The man also wrote to say that he is havin some personol problems with his marrage which he claims are unrelated to his new hobby.

    Old Man's Life saved

    Not only does Walter Miller's Home page posibly cause deaths it atcually prevented one. This is a story to warm your heart. But who the hell knows if its is true, i only hope so.

    A man in the Nethorlands wrote to say that his neighbor had an eldorly father, whose family was intending to have their doctor "put him to sleep." It seems the Dutch do this sort of thing allot and think nothing of it. (While some of us in the USA think of it ALLOT). The old gentleman suffered from deep depresion and just hung around all day and probly even secretly wished it woud happen.

    Then his 13-year old granduaghter got involved. While some of us dream for a sitaution like this, she outraged at the thuoght. She printed out pages of my Home Page and she and her granfather read them together. Aparantly everyone speaks English in Holland.

    As can be expected the old guy luaghed his wrinkled old ass off. Within a few weeks he was pretty perked up. He used to tend a garden and also have a cat and he expressed interest in doing those things again. The neighbor (who wrote to me) asked the young girl what changed the old man and then she told him about my site.

    Honey I shrunk the bastord

    ...On the other hand somtimes older folks suffer as a result of my page--which is not, I repeat, **NOT** a how-to guide for careing for old people. I have a high regard and respect for old folks irregardless if they smell or are disguosting or not. The reason I cant stand granfather is NOT becuase hes old, but becuase hes mean to me. Besides hes NOT a human old person, he is a certifeiable and as yet undetermined form of eldorly animal life.

    Well anyway i have wrote about how somtimes I leave granfather in a warm bath of harsh industriel chemicols for several hours on end. The exasporated family of a cantankorrous old fellow in New South Wails Australia afectionatly known as "The bloody bleedin bastard" was placed, (acording to a note from his son inlaw), in a bath of bicarbonate of soda and water for 4 hours. He didnt sufer pain but they say he was extremly wrinkoled and even when he dryed out was permonantly shrunk 3 inches in height.

    Ive said it before folks: All stunts on Walter Miller's Home page are performed by a profesional monster, (and a profesional monster-handler--ME), on a closed track: DO NOT atempt at home.

    "Three's a crowd"

    Yes folks the beutey of the internet is how it puts unlikly people with common interests in touch. Thanks to my writing theres now a NEW, what they call, 'On-line comunity of Interest'.

    Normally granfather specificley demands I DO NOT foward his e-mail address to anyone. But a gentleman from from Brazil wrote in to say that like the old bastord he too was blessed at birth with 3 testocles. I coudnt resist, and i put him in touch with the old bastord, who was suprisingly apreciative.

    That week when anothor man, "Ivan from Russia" wrote in at 3:33 AM on March 3rd to round out the esteamed truimvorate by claiming the same claim, granfather marveled, "THIS IS LIKE HITTIN' THE TRIFECTA."

    The happy trio shared storeis and compared notes. What is also remarkoble is that all three have a pawnshop conection: While 2 of the men once worked in pawn shops, granfather's bounteous arrest record includes a number of arrests, (yup, 3 to be exact), that ocurred in paunshops--and you know what the universol logo is for pawnshops.

    Like other medical related online support gruops, the three comforted one another from childhood wounds left by creul locker room taunts like "Jock full of Nuts" and "He's some threesome."

    And the bitter jibe of: "His 'pair-is-troika' " in the case of the Russain gentlman. (Its a play on words).

    Actualy, in private, Id think that most men realy wish they had an extra ball. Granfather asked me to relay to readers that if you too have a dangling trilogy of your own, to please not apply to their group, but start your own instead. Theyd like to keep their party down to lucky three, for ovbious reasons.

    Remembor folks if Walter Miller's Hompage has an impact on your life please let us know. Write it in HERE.

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