Walter Millers Home Pahe

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Mid-March 97 Update

Page 3 of 6

yes i did somthing I shoud not of.

My feelings were too hurt to write about it a month ago but ill tell you now about my Valontins day. I always hate this day becuase people are in love and smoochy. Even when i see people hold hands in pubblic it gets me a litle jeolous becaus Im lonesom for the womon i love & i want it to be ME AND HER. Theres a sleight age problem im about 20, shes 34. Its hard for me to share this stuff but it helps me get over it. I use the web to expres and share my feelings.

Well in case you dont know I am in counseling for emotionol problems. But i got a big crush on my counslor and she told me lastyear if i didnt get over it she coudnt council me anymore and woud have to refer me to someon else--because its unprofesionol to have a patient love you. Well i started to love her MORE.

So now i have a new counslor. (They made sure the new one was a real ugly one--if my new counslor is reading this now: Sorry.) But i suffor from compulsive behavor and kept callin the old counslor and writing her love lettors also cry all day.

Well part of my therapy is to set goals. One goal is to help me stop calling her an writing. All parties agreed if i coud get thru Christmos without callin her ONE TIME it woud be a big step in maturity for me. My whole famly got togethor and said: Walter you haveto CONTROL yorself.

But i ruined things

So the holidays pass and now i think theyll let me see her. But they WONT. So I caled her up on Valentine day but she wasnt in so i left 4 messages. Everyone found out. My folks are especialy pissed as they pay for my counciling.

Also in a session last year, (before my counslor dumped me) i saw she had a pair of shoes in the trash. I asked abuot them. She said one shoe was brokken so she had to throw both out. When she got up to pee i took the shoes outof the trash and fixed the busted one and shined them both then mailed them to her on Valentins day plus with a box of candy.

I know. I am a jerk.

She calls me back VERY upset. Granfater gets onthe extension. One thing granfather does that i HATE: Whenevor i mess up and theres other people around he starts acting extremly normal.

And The more normol he acts the more stupid I LOOK.

Then can you believe he atcualy builds up this rappoure with her. He can be very charming an make errudite smalltalk. I started gettin upset but instead of yellin back he was gentol & soothing. This got me madder. She dosent know what a beast he is.

i slammed the phone down but they talked more and before he got off the phone Granfather apolagized 'on behalf of the familly' several times and also had her laughing a few times and i heard him end the convorsation in this sweeter-than-a-danm Gateway-Rep-voice, "We are all concerned for Walter. He needs the love and guidence of his family...blah blah BLAH!". Evil soothing patronizing condascending high fallutin blackhearted bastord.

Dad finds out--hes pissed

As soon granfather hangs up hes back to bein his mean self and barks at me SHALL I CALL YOUR FATHOR IN CALIFORNY OR YOU? I said OK ill call. He was at work. I knew I was in BIG truoble. When he got on the phone i started cryin sayin IM SORRY but dad said the waterworks wont work this time and my ASS WAS GRASS.

I am very needy

He got my stepmom on conforence call and I tryed to tell them both, do you know when you lov somone so much and they wont love you back--well thats what it feels like. And my stapmom said You know Walter you have to stop being so ruled by what you feel and your FEELINGS. Plus stop bein so needy. And dad said NO DAMNIT he just needs to grow up. They disagread and i coud tell they probly had a fihgt when he got home and THAT TOO is MY FUALT.

I went into my room and flong myself on the bed. Then i started writing. I do my best work when Im pissed. The Beast wheeled up to my door tryin to get in but I locked it. I hear him outside the door screamin at me with a cigaret cletched in his teeth: I HAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS TOO. I SIT ON MY LAZY SKINNY ASS ALL DAY WATCHIN TV. I HAVE WHAT THEM PROFESONOLS CALL A MOTIVATIONAL DISORDER then he cackled and luaghed in this highpitched chickeny noise like Minny Mouse inpersonating the Tales of the Cript decomposing guy. I have goldfish in my room and one of them just then started floatin on his back from the sound.

Another 911 night