GEORDI: I've got it!
RIKER: Stand down Red Alert.
GEORDI: Now what, Captain?
PICARD: Beam it to Zero-zero-one point-six mark two on my command.
GEORDI: B-But Captain, that would put it directly...
PICARD (hand raised)...Engage!
RIKER: I love when you say 'Engage', Captain. I used to collect toy trains, and what I'm looking at right now is, heh, heh, heh, definitely 'N-Gauge'
WORF: (outraged) Captain! a large piece of...of Patokh has somehow mysteriously appeared on my console!
PICARD: (broad smile) Get used to it, Mr. Worf. I shall designate it...'Captain's Log!'
WORF: But Captain!
RIKER: (menacing) Do you have a problem, Lieutenant?
PICARD: Oh, I feel so much better!
TAMARIAN OFFICER: Mirab, his robe unfurled, his cheeks spread wide.
PICARD: I feel like I need a smoke! Or at least a tea, Earl Grey, hot.
DATA: I believe the replicators are still offline.
PICARD: Oh yes, I forgot. Merde.
RIKER: Ha Ha, Merde indeed, eh, Mr. Worf?
WORF: Even a Romulan would not show a warrior such...Dishonor.
TROI: (frightened) Captain...I sense life forms...Thousands of them!
DATA: Counselor Troi is correct, Captain. The life forms consist mostly of human gut-borne E.coli bacteria.
TROI: (holding her head) There are...so MANY of them! In danger! Crying for help!
PICARD: No need to overact, counselor.
DATA: Actually, there are approximately 600 million individual bacteria, 79% of them beneficial, from 36 distinct worlds. Some of these life forms appear to have been, until now, undiscovered...
PICARD: YES, Mr. Data! Please! There is no need to be so...tiresome!
BEVERLY: Jean-Luc! What's got into you?
WORF: (angry) I know what has come out of him. It now festers here on my console and has begun a sliding descent down the smooth surface of the touchpad.
RIKER: (angry) Then clean it up, Lieutenant!
WORF: (low Klingon snarl) Rrrrrhh!
PICARD: I don't know what's the matter with me. By now, I would not expect to feel so annoyed, but somehow, I feel something hanging on...Yes, hanging on.
BEVERLY: This tricorder scan shows another small piece of fecal matter!
GEORDI: (on speaker) She's right, Captain. (Sigh!) I didn't get it all.
PICARD: I feel it hanging, clinging on...A cling-on!
WORF: (outraged) A Klingon!
DATA: Before sound-wave based colonic evacuation units were perfected in the late 21st Century, such residual fecal knobs or "trouser chili" as it was commonly known was also referred to as a "cling-on"
WORF: (loud snarl) AAAARrrrrhh!
PICARD: Calm yourself, Mr. Worf. For your sake, we shall call it...we shall call it: 'Captain's Log, Supplemental.'
(The crew erupts in laughter; Data furrows his brow in puzzlement)
RIKER: Very clever, Captain.
PICARD: Thank you Number One...AND Number Two!
DATA: I fail to see the humor in the situation.
WORF: And neither do I! This entire incident is a violation Starfleet Regulations
DATA: On the contrary, Mr. Worf. Today we have consummated much of the crux of the Prime Directive: We have explored a strange new world--that of intra-intestinal subspace; And with the Captain's sampling of native Tamarian food these last few weeks, we have made the discovery of eleven new bacterial life forms--we have sought out new life, and new civilization.
PICARD: We've done one better than that, Mr. Data.
PICARD: Today I have been able to "Boldly GO where no one has gone before!"
(They all laugh)
by Walter Miller, 1996
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