Walter Miller Homepage

"It's Mark Twain writing on a bathroom wall. It's William Faulkner having a bad dream after drinking too much moonshine. It's a remake of Alien starring Jim Nabors."
-- Don Willmott on Walter Miller's Homepage, in PC Magazine, July 1997

June 97 Update

Page 2 of 4

About those lawsuits

One of the suits agianst Granfather is for animal abuse for feeding our dogs only vegetobles. (The result is detailed on my main homepage). For varrious reasons there have been court delays. Also they are tryin to setle out of court. This is a friend of the court suit brought by the evil sister of Granfather's even more evil girlfreind. Granfather insists on reppresenting himself as his own attorney..

One part of his defence strategy is that animals ARE NOT entitled to rights until they stop acting and behaiving like animals. The other part is that since many animol rights actovists are also veggetarians, then why cant they tolorate a pet owner forcing this veiw on his own pet? (This is a man whose gums are permonentley stained blue and also has hard-water calcification nodules on his toungue from years of drinkin out of the toilet when he THINKS no one is looking)

Speaking of annimals

The Nationol Geographic is continuuing their series on The Dawn Of Humans and in the July 97 isseu there a picture on page 103 and also page 105 of an anthroppologist holding up a skull which is GRANFATHER, I SWEAR. I tell you if the old bastord was not sittin in front of me RIGHT NOW as i type these words I would of bet that someone boiled all the meat off him and that was his danm skull in the magazine. (Of course, i would also be dreaming, and it woud be a very pleasent dream).

Also, in the same issue...

...Look at the Canon advertisment just a few pages in from the front covor--theres a bunch of hairy Celebesian apes sittin on a log. Picture if you coud the little one on the far left of the photo angrilly gnashing his teeth plus wearing a tattored sailor suit and a button on his lapel that reads "Repeal The 18TH Amendmant"--and what you got there is a spittin image of my beastly progenitor as an infant.

Yet Another arrest

And you woud think that for a man with so many legal troubles, (and such a self procliamed knowledge of when one is or is not behaving like an animal), he coud keep himself off the police blottor. Well think again. Granfather is well on his way to setting a record for eventualy spending the night in each and every one of the County jails in all 256 counties of Texas.

We have a big map of Texas on the wall of my room and each time hes busted in a new county, we fill the county in with a highlihgter pen. My dad started the map about 20 years ago (it used to be his room) and the arests are tracked from 1949 to the present. Theres only 39 counties to go.

This latest incodent hapenned in a liqour store. It is NOT smart to start a scene in a liqour store because you can always count on the owner having a gun. I cant say which store (or county) but it did involve that disgusting lung tube of his. As you know granfather had the tube inserted a few months ago during a medicol emergencey but it never healed because he kept pickin at the scabs around the area and now the flesh healed around it. It seems he did it on purpose cause he LIKES having a rubber lung tube. He is a sick man who compulsively needs to make a scene in public and have people gawk at how repulsive he is. In the supertmarket last week he aproached a few strangers in the produce department and whipped his shirt up and started wigglin it and said, "LOOKY HERE I GOT ME A BIG ASS OLD TUBE COMIN OUT MUH LUNG."

Anyway him and his old girlfreind started a scene when they were buyin whisky and they got in this argoument about white wine. The old hag wanted to buy some but granfather said whitewine is only for sissies.

IT AINT A MANLY SPIRIT he said and also complained that besides women, (for whom, the beverege was just fine), the only men who REALY drank white wine were untrustworthy Quiana shirt wearing types with long sideburns who use the Mackintosh OS.

Him and the old cow Argue She said that NO she wanted some white wine and the two of them started screamin at each other. (For some reason the relationship between the 2 beastly seniors isnt doing well lately). She told him, Hell, even Ernest and Julio drink it, so to atleast TRY some.

So Granfather relented. And when he THUOGHT no one was looking he peirced one of those 2 gallon boxes of wine that go in the refrigerator with his fingernail and then poked in the lung tube and started heaving it upword into his moulth and slurpin it down. Clearly on the security tape you can see the pensive look in his crocodilian eyes and colapse-cheeked-lemon-sucking look on his lips while draughts of the fluid undulates up his trachea and then down his reticulated avian gullet. (As a courtesey, he is now always given a copy of the tape). Then he got his ass arested.


After the old hag bailed him out and took him home, granfather saw me filling in the new county on the map with the yellow pen and commented, "LOOKS LIKE THAR'S A BIG OLE WHITE PATCH UP ON THE PANHANDLE. I BETTER GIT MOVIN' ON THEM COUNTIES UP THATTA WAYS, WHILES I'M STILL YOUNG AN' FULL O'PISS AND VINEGOR."

The incident with the whitewine emboldened him because he was supprized that he woud like white wine so much. Yes he never tried it before. Grannfather buoght like four boxes of it, and started braggin to me that other inportent people like Bill Gates, and Jim Manzie and Larry Ellison and certainly Nick Negraponte and mabye even Lou Gerstnor probly all drank whitewine as well. He was also emboldened to seriously delve into more research.

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