"DID YOU TELL THEM KIDS IN THET GRADUATION SPEECH WHY YOU DID SO POORLY IN COLLEGE, BOY? ABOUT HOW YOU WUZ SO DUMB YOU TOOK NOTES WITH A BLACK HIGHLIGHTER PEN?"
--Granfather, making cruel fun of me out of jeolousy
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I wrote about how i am doing freelance work in the form of Advice to the Lovelourn by ghostwriting for this company. I like this extra job becuase they proofread for me. Well they called to say they had a problem with the transmission of some of my files. I zipped them up wrong. Its now the 3rd time this hapenned and because they coudnt use the files i cant get payed for this week.
Later Granfather got the even more evil idea to force me to clean ALL the venetion blinds in our trailor. This is to punish me for not lettin him go in the chicken coop to get those tapes he needs. He knows they are PBS tapes from 1992 or 1993 but theres a mountain of crap over them and if he doesnt burrow in correctly he coud be crushed to death or else trapped and eaten alive by bees. My punishmant was to clean the venetion blinds (there are 7 of them) and the olny way you can realy do it right is take them all off and use Q-tips and the Water Pik becuase the pulsating action gets in all the nooks and crannies and then hang them up to dry. You know how hard it is. He put his ugly disgisting face close to mine and started screamin. Granfathers ugly skinny body looks like if you took a skeleton and streched yellow balloon rubber over it, like from a popped baloon. All over his face this time of year are blotchy mildewey lookin black patches that look like big liver spots and feel like slippery seaweed. He even has them on his eyeballs. Granfather also has adult onset acne but unlike any type you ever saw. These things pulsaite I swear it. He held up this big locust from outside right in my face. "THERE AINT NO BEES OUT IN THET BARN, JUST THESE HERE AN' THEY DONT BITE."
A locust is like a giant grashoppor at least 4 inches long. Ive NEVER seen anythin like these in California and they actually move there heads around to look at you. It is so danm scary. He knows Im afriad of them and other giant bugs. He threw it across the room and it was hopping and twitching everywhere till I got it outside. Granfather went to bed WITHUOT supper but instead drank half of one of those boxes of whitewine with a bottle of seltzer on an emptey stomeach. He was belching like crazy from the carbonnation. I had to open the window. He was doin it on purpose. I said Granfather, when you burp it stinks like rancid boloney, and he said, THEN I GUESS YOU SHOUD GIVE ME AN 'OSCOR' MYER BRIGGS.
Well beffore I called the US Govorment Men In Black to have him taken away to Area 51 in a secret railroad car inside a white plastic pail filled with amber liquid and labeled "Purity Control", I looked a little closer.
The old bastord has rudementary breathing gills on his neck but they were clogged with snot, but I finaly saw vapor and wet nasty stuff blowin out of the lung tube.
S E A R S P O W E R D R I L L
Now, I LIKE the Frugal Gourmet, but somthing about him annoys Granfather. I woudnt say hes anoyyed as much as he is by The Frugol Gourmat as he is by Mark Russel, but its close.
Granfather was screamin so loud I heard him while i was in the shower. I ran out to see Granfather red with rage, the whole wheelchair shaking and him screaming and caterwauling at the TV while the kindley bearded and bespectacoled cook from Seattle was preparing a recipe. I was suprized because the recipe looked like somthing Granfather woud of liked, (or atleast would of tryed to suck up in his lung tube). I think all it was, was milk, sour cream, regulor cream and sugar in a bowl with a pool of melted buttor floating on top. Granfather kept screamin: THET THERE T'AINT NOTHIN BUT CURDS AND WHEY.
The Frugol Gourmet kept wistfully sayin that this was a warm memory of his that they eat in Norway when there freezin there asses off arround Christmas time and that when he was about 8 years old his grandmothor used to make for him.
Well atleast he has NICE memories about a grandparent. Then allof a sudden the Frugol Gourmet, (who kept interupting himself to talk about the memoreis of this stuff) atcually starts crying. And it was THEN that Granfather absoulutey lost it.
Do you remember the scene in the Godfathor in the very begining when Marlin Brando screams at Jonny Fontaine "BE A MAN" when he starts cryin about not gettin the part in the movie, and then the Godfather starts fake-cryin to mock him? Well thats what hapenned. Granfather started SCREAMIN at the TV sayin about how some people cry over spilt milk, "AN THIS HERE MILK AINT EVON SPILT YET," and over and over callin the Frugal Guormet these cruel names like a "White wine drinker" and also a "Liberal repubican" and other mean things; (As Granfather is a moderate to consorvative Democrat, this is a big insult from him). And then the next thing you know Granfather springs up from the wheelchair, gets into his walker, waddles over to the closet, gets the shotgun and destroys our Television set.
"IT AINT NOTHIN' PERSONOL ABOUT THE FRUOGOL GOURMAY," said granfather after he had a chance to calm down, "ITS THE SYSTEM. THE SYSTEM I TELLS YUH, WHICH BREEDS THIS SORT AN' CALLS IT 'EDDYCATIONOL TV'. I'D BEN A WANTIN' TO DO THAT TO THE TV SET FER NIGH 30 YEARS."