Walter Miller's Homepage

"Toto, i dont think we're on Dilbert's page anymore"

July 97 Update

Page 1 of 7

"While Dr. M. restrained the writhing, growling patient with leather straps..."

Subject is an evil young male, aged 7 or 8 years. Smaller and slighter than average for his age, of questionable parentage, and great physical agility. Unusually ectomorphous in body type. The primary observation of which I took note was a profound odor, reminiscent of burning sulphur, or else putrid carboniferous matter, or possibly a rancid, lithium-based mechanical grease...

(T)he accompanying prior report submitted by Dr. M. indicated subject's ability to withstand prolonged electrical charges without pain, an unnatural compulsion to ingest large quantities of varied toxic inorganic matter with no ill effects, and, within buildings attached to municipal sewage systems, possessing the additional ability to hold its breath and constrict its body in order to forthwith enter and exit these buildings through their associated toilet pipes, in the manner identical to rattus norvegicus, (common brown Norway rat) in heavily populated areas.

...(The subject's) Gait was stooped, and upper limbs starkly long and tapered. Cranium was small and seemingly underdeveloped, with sloping brow, shallow carapace, and unusually thick bone matter surrounding what appeared to be from all observation, a dramatically underweight, biologically anomalous, and thoroughly simian brain.

(I)ntelligence, however, appeared significantly and inexplicably high ...the vacant gaze normally associated with domesticated primates was markedly replaced by an alert, deliberate visage of concentrated, diabolical malice...

...One noticed immediately the preponderence of hair on the back, and concluded with haste that while theoretically of a mammalian origin, it could not possibly be human. While Dr. M. restrained the writhing, growling patient with leather straps, I examined these hirsute dermal patches and secured samples of same. Initial visual observation suggested the hair fibre was canine, or perhaps ursine in structure...but certainly not (that) of homo erectus...

The above is a passage from a recently discovored text, "The Secret Biologicol Research Of Dr. Nikola Tesla." I cant vouch for its compleate authentiscity, but Granfathers brother (my uncle Wiliam) sent it to me. Its over 400 pages long. They were wrote in the late 1930s or early 40s and hidden for many years.

Aparently Uncle William obtained copies of the writings under the Freedem Of Information Act, and perhaps at some point if authentisity can be proven the entire text will be repproduced on the Internet. Here is some more of Dr. Teslas report:

...(S)pectographic examination revealed that hair fibres removed from the subject were entirely lacking in protein, as is the basis of all mammalian fur, and were instead composed of a pure and high quality wolfram...possessing the most excellent possibility of serving as electrical conduction filaments. The subject thrashed and snarled, releasing a disturbing string of the most profane language imaginable in a steady, barking, guttural timbre. Dr. M. offered it a large peppermint lollipop candy which contained a sedative, at which it immediately snapped its jaws, consuming along with the candy its wrapper of cellophane and wooden stick with no ill effects. The narcotic only intensified growls and puerile verbosity. These increased unpleasantries compelled Dr. M., with my consent, to attach an additional leather mandible restraint tightly across the open mouth of the creature.

The collection of fibre samples continued, including those sprouting from benign squamous growths on the surface of the subject's chin, buttocks, and tongue papillae. Microscopic examination inexplicably yet duly determined these fibres to contain absolutely no organic compounds of any kind, and instead were verifiably confirmed to be uniquely identical in molecular nature (as well as gauge), to fibres also found throughout North America and Europe as part of inexpensive and commercially available coal furnace filters...

The worst is how it ends..

...(R)esearch was marred and further experiments halted with the subject's bisection of the thick leather oral restraints through persistant maxillary action (gnawing), including the crushing of several heavy brass grommets upon the muzzle...and the unfortunate incidence of the severance within the creature's jaws of the right thumb belonging to Dr. M., who forthwith resigned his commission of the project...and later entered upon his own volition the Bellevue Sanotarium for the Insane, where he remains at the present.

OK enuogh of that scentific crap

If you cant guess by now, "the subject" is Granfather. Dr. Tesla was a famous sceintist and was supossedly workin on a US Natoinal Security grant at the time. Im not publishing this passage on my homepage to enbarass my family or to cause us anymore pain or shame. I publisch it so you know how utterly evil and disgusting the old basterd really is so you reallize I am NOT makin it up when I talk about how awful and mean he is. And also how much he danm smells.

i now ask you to just picture that little 'subject' grown up, now eldorly, and YOU havin to share a 12 x 36 trailer with it while it eats, craps and even mates, albeit outside of its speceis, (even if barely so).

Uncle William by the way had ben very sick, and Im glad to say now things are going allot better for him. I wish I coud say the same for myself. Heres whats hapening since my last update:

A Blind Date is set Up

Granfather set a date to meet in persen a strange woman he met in a chat room. The old bastord alredy planned to be in Austin for the visit of the Biancas Smut Shack bus in late June. (In case you dont know theres a website called Biancas Smut Shack and there touring the nation in a psychodelic bus. Why, I dont know, but my guess is its probly to drive up homepage hits.)

I said to him, Granfather, what kind of persen travels 4 hours with intent to have intimate rellation with a strangor, who youv never even seen, (exept for a .GIF which coud be a fake), and all you know about her is stuff she writes in a text box? He screamed: PEOPLE LIKE ME, BOY. PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET GARRDAMIT, and then as he wheeled away muttered in a slihgtly lowor voice, DONT FERGIT SHE AINT NEVER SEEN ME NEITHOR.

I bring up the rash