"Y'SEEN THAT BOY? NOTHIN BUT BOWL!"
--something i ocasionaly hear at home; (not all the time, but ocasionnaly)
Page 7 of 7
WATCH IT WITH THEM TEARS, BOY granfather hollored at me. THE 'CHEE' IS LIABLE TO SLIP ON IT AN' CRACK HIS ASS ON OUR FLOOR WHILE HE'S IMPARTIN' THEM LUCKEY CHINESE BLESSINGS IN MY TRAILOR.
ME AN' YOU KIN BE BAD ASS CONTENT DEVELOPERS, BOY. CO-BRANDED FOOLS, THINK ABOUT IT.
Well i wondored where all this was headed and i soon found out.
At one point during the meal the old girlfreind got up to 'powdor her nose' as they say; (this is a woman who over the course of her ill-moraled life has 2nd degree makeup burns on her face and neck). Once she was gone Granfather whispoered to me, pullin his cardboard cone close and while sippin white wine thru his lung tube, (hes REALY into that whitewine lately), he then asked in me a low voice if I remember the Middle East restuarant in California we went to when i was a kid: The one with the pressed meat that stood uprihgt on the vertical skewor that was under the hot lights, and that rotated very slowly as the Syrrian guy, (or Greek guy--I forget), shaved little strips of cooked meat off of with a long skinny knife and put them inside pocket samdwiches with cucumbors and lettuce. I said YES i remember.
Granfather narowwed his eyes down to the slimmest hairline pupils I evor saw and he said in his diabolocol low threatening tone that he atcually owns one of those meat cookors somewhere in one of his barns, and that if i ever so much as breathed a sugestion that he was thinkin about cheatin on the old hag, hed drag the thing out in the yard with an etxension cord, impaile me on it ass first, line up all 14 of the dogs, turn on the hot lamps, and then slice by slice by slice and peel me alive in slivors an feed them.
'YOU THINK THEM SCRAGGLY CANINES IS HAPPY TO SEE YOU WHEN YOU FEEDS THEM' he growled in his most evil low tone. 'THINK HOW MUCH MORE THEYD BE HAPPY WHEN YORE COMIN AT 'EM PEICE BY SLIVVORY PEICE.'
I know things will look up for me and i will use this time to devvelop more writing prodjects. I apreciate offors of jobs (i already got 2 of these) but my 2 current asignments are the same ammount of money than my regulor job paid in totol so if i dont lose anymore jobs ill atleast make the same money i made lastyear. Plus i dont have a grilfreind to spend it on--thats a silvor lining.
About that acident. We stopped on the way home to buy another one of those foil 2 gallon boxes of white wine. As you know Granfather likes to slourp it tight out if the box with that lung tube of his. It is an ammazingly complicated process becuase he depresses his adbomen and diafragm, sucks hard and the liqiud goes up his trachea, into his gullet and then down his throat. Always a little comes out his nose in the process.
well around midnight while they were watchin the Weather Channol the old cow girlfeind starts screaming. I run out tothe living room and see a ghastley scene. Granfather is watching the TV with his eyes open and apears to of stopped breathing. He was drinkin the wine but i coud not find the box. All i saw was the plastic plug thing stickin out where the tube used to be--even the tube I coudnt see.
Well in any case Granfather did survive but will be a whole week in the hospittol. When I saw the X-Ray i coudnt frikkin believe it. This is a new one for the record books: ONE WHOLE LUNG was bright white on the screen. It was mettalic mattor showing up on the Xray. What hapened was, Granfather made a huge fart while sittin on the couch (acording to the forensic exam of the burnt areas of the fabric of the couch, from sceintists from The Institute for British Teratologgicol Studies who flew in to do research), and this massive intestinol gaseous expulsion caused the diaphgragm to move in the oposite direction, causing a massive low pressure system inside the poulmonary cavity
Later on I found out that Granfather actualy did this ON PURPOSE. And my angor upon hearing this is what caused me to break my promise and place the incodent of him atempting to cheat on his girlfriend on the World Wide Web for the world to read. And I am not afraed of his threats, eithor.
After 3 sucessful tries, Granfather declaired victory, and decided to cellebrate by finishing the box of wine but little did he know that a graprfriut sized bubble of low pressore air still remained in his chest. When it flew into him it blew up again inside out and inside his lung into its exact rectangulor shape.
BECUASE THEY CAN, THATS WHY.
BACK TO MENU OF ALL UPDAYTES