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Post-election mid Nov 96 update

CONTINEUD: Granfathers Top 10 Least Favrite Newscastors

David Brinkly

Cranky constopated Brinkly is a FORMER favorite of Granfather: He liked election night when he used bad langouge on live TV and REALY loved when he said Bill Clinton was boring--but boy he got MAD when he apologised to Clinton 2 days later!

Granfather said hes so mad partly becuase Clinten IS boring: his State ofthe Unoin talks go an hour too long and they practicly booed him offstage atthe Demacrat conventon in 1988 cause he woudnt quit rambling.

Granfather says I LIKE CLINTON AND VOTTED FOR HIM TOO BUT DAMMIT NOT ONE NEWSMAN APOLAGIZED TO DOLE FER CALLIN HIM A MEAN OLD BASTERD DURIN THE WHOLE LAST YEAR. He thinks Peter Jenings MADE him opologize or else ABC woud mess with his pension plan now that he retired.

But the main reason granfather was pissed was cause Brinklys apology was anothor excuse for Clinton to make THAT FACE he cant stand: Clintons little sanctomonius upsidedown smile where he raises his eyebrows and wrinkls his chin up, then makes the phony sad eyes and coy tilted head nod just like a little puppy cought droppin a fresh steamy one on the carpat instead of onthe newspaper and knows hes goina get his little ass slapped and have to sleep in the barn.

You know Clinton's I Feel Your Pain face I mean. Granfather calls it his "post-date-rape-face" and says he coud picture a big goofy 17 yearold Clinten nakad exept for a basball jacket whisporing to some poor farm girl he just deflowored aganst her will: GARSH, DARLIN I DIDNT MEAN TO POUNCE ON YOU LIKE THAT BUT YER JUST LOOKIN SO DURN PURTY TONITE. PLEASE DONT TELL YOUR PAW WHAT I DONE.

Granfather was hoping now that Clintens reelected hell quit it with this phony pout an we woudnt haveto see it no more but thanks to Brinkly its 4 MORE YEARS OF THAT DANM PHONY FACE.

Plus gramps says: BRINKLYS LOOKIN DOWNRIGHT CADAVER-LIKE LATELY AINT HE? He claims the eldorly emaciated newsman bears a strikin resemblance to a possum he shot years ago that he put onthe stove to boil the flesh off the skeleten and then the propaine tank ran outof gas when the job was exatcly halfway done.

Rush Limbagh

To quote granfather: I AINT POLITICLY BIASED--I HATE EVORYONE; he refers to Republicon Al Damato as "a horses ass" and says NewYork woud be better served with Senotoriol reprosentation from Frances the Talking Mule. And, yes, granfather dislikes opinionated jornolists of all stripes too. Rush's show is fully 40% comercials and Gramps says that if Rush is as similar to his audeince as he claims then these ads shoud be for SlimFast insted of Clinton scandal videos.

MISTER "FAMLY VALUES" IS ON HIS 3RD WIFE SO I HEAR, PROBLY CAUSE HES DAMN FLATTENED THEM OTHER PORE WIMMEN he says. He says Rush probly walks around his house sayin: HERE KITTY KITTY...WHERE THE HELLS THAT CAT? and in the meantime the poor animol is dead an stuck betwean his buttcheaks cause he sat on her an hour ago.

Granfathor continuely insults Rushs knowlege in fine cigars. THE MAN DONT KNOW THE DIFORENCE BETWEEN A UPMAN AND A HONDURAN HOYA says granfather in a high-fallutin tone. Yeah right. This is a man who in desporation once smoked a mix of crumbled up Lady Tiparilos, constuction paper and dryed horse logs from the stable floor all stuffed in a carboard tiolet tissue tube when our road was washed out and he ran outof his 3-for-$1 stogies.

Another reason he hates Rush: He always talks about mean old "ugley femonists' and 'Fema-Nazis' but never tells where you coud ever meet these women. They are Granfathers type and he wants to know.

Bernhard Shaw

Its not just Brinkly who looks constoppated: Accordin to grampy, the CNN ancher dont resemble Wilferd Brimleys halfbrother for nothing. Granfather says Shaw has the same muostache, same glasses and probly the same load in his pants the size of a Packard thats still signaling for a turn down the lower ileum but is still stuck in place since back in the Truman Adminostraton. You can see it in his expresion. More than once Gramps hollered at the TV in his Wilferd Brimly voice: HEY BERNY GIT YERSELF A STEAM POWERED ENEMA--ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Also he cant stand Shaw cause he says he has NO sence of humor. And he always sits there with his sholders hunched up but that cant be his fault cause that cheap Ted Turnor surely keeps the heat real low in the studio and the poor guys probly freezin his ass off.

continued: #3 thru #1