Walter Miller's Homepage

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Octobor 1997 updatte

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Granfather has also worked other places since 1962 that werent listed--like alowwing his face to be used as a mold for Holoween Masks that are banned in 11 states, Canada and Belguim, and also ocasionaly going on tour as an exhibbit for various Pro-Birth Controle and Pro-Euthannasia special interest gruops.

But about this new job

Yes the circus once agian comes to town. And along with the pervasive general decrease in our poppulor culture (plus desensitivity to general perversions), sideshow atractions like the old bastord are now once agian En Vouge.

Rememmber, Granfather is still trapped in that collapsed sofabed. Its truely quite amazing he is still alive. Some of those sceintists who regulorly study Granfather came to visit him, and the situation did not end well. i will write about what hapenned later concerning the scientists. But first:

$161 whole dollors!!!

Yes this money from the circus is the first honest money granfather has earned in years.

And I geuss i shoudnt really call it a 'circus'. It is realy just a very low-class kind of travelling carnivol. It is the only type of carnivol to come within 50 miles of the remote area we live in.

They put the old bastord in a ripped, stained pissy looking tent way at the edge of the field next to the Port-O-Johns. In the same tent with him was a 2-headed calf and also 3 or 4 of those poor goats where people remove their two horn buds shortley after birth, and then try to re-arrange them in the center of the poor animol's head so a single horn grows out from it like a unicorn. Its agianst the law to do this and it never works right and the horns just grow in all curly looking and wrong. (Also the 2 headed calf was a fake: One of the heads is made of resin.)

It costs 50 cents to see Granfather and the bastord got 17 cents of each spectator. He made $161.

"The Ammazing Vladimir"

The man running the carnivol had treid to think up a storyline for why he was in the colapsed couch contraption. Aparantly just being sqaushed in a sofabed by your jeolous girlfreind was not side-show suficcient.

One idea was to say that he was a man coght in a trash compactor, and that to remove him will cause death. Anotthor idea was to pass off the beast as a part-man part-machine evil experiment gone awry.

Granfather's own choice was to have some lan cables atached to him and be displayed as "Man Melded With Internet". (The idea of a one-drone Borg cube was also considored--A plausibble idea, Id say, being that the other Borg woudnt asimmilate with him because of how he smelled.)

Finaly the sideshow manager descided: Granfather was part of a secret space mission. His name was 'Vladimir' and he was a Russian Cosmonought returning from orbit in 1965 whose landing capsule acidentally crashed into a remote region of Soviet Centrol Asia. The onboard nucular generator leaked, and 'Vladimir' slowly sank into the swampy earth, coming to rest in a naturol gas pocket breathing only pure methaine for the next 30 years and living off of undergruond worms and grubs which he reached for by developping the musculature of his long, prehensile tounge. Suposedly the gas drillers found him last year. Only since Mr. Yeltsin came to powor were the records released on 'Vladimir' and, only now can the story now be told.

A pevverted sence of humor

Granfather wanted a diferent Russian name than Vladimir. He sugested this other name that he swore was a Russian name, but I coud tell it wasnt. In fact, later I looked up the word in Altavista and saw that it was NOT Rusian at all but a Latin word. It was a disgousting word for a private part of the human anatomy i will NOT repproduce here. Sick bastord.

First he hasto get washed

The carnivol manager came over our house to see Granfather last week to approve of the whole thing. He agreed that the old bastord is extremly more hiddeous than he expected and said to me that my descripption of him was as bad as in my website. (Thats how they found out abbout us: From my website). He said that if the cops close down the exhibbit it wont necesarily mean that he will get paid. Thats how disgusting Granfather is. The carnival guy also said that granfather MUST bathe and be totally washed off before he was alloud in. Yes, he was indeed running a low class show but NOT the Black Whole of Calcuta

A wierd voice

While the carnival man was there, Granfather was acting odd in a quiet sortof way. Usualy he fights allot about money and is brash and pushy. But he was subdewed and his voice was mumbly. Granfather did brag that he spoke Russian. When the carny asked him to say somthing in Russain he mumbled like Astro the dog from the Jetsons. I asked if anythin was the mattor and he said his tooth was botherin him but he promised the guy he coud speak Rusian.

The morning of the first day of the Carnivol a man in our town named Junior who is a family freind was payed $20 to bring his pickup truck over becuase we figguored out that the only way we coud wash Granfather really good considerring his ensconcement in the couch was IN THE CAR WASH.

The closest carwash to us is 20 miles away. Granfather's tooth must of improved because his voice was JUST FINE. Yes, he hollared at me abbusing me the whole time when me and Junior were ramping him into the back of the truck.

I was upset becuase my lunch I planned to bring for that day was ruined. I wanted to bring by own lunch to avvoid greasey carnivol food. I am eating allot of tofu since i am 15. Its suposed to be good for my complexoin and also I need protein (to put meat on my bones) and the proetin needs to be light and not fatty cause my stomoch is weak. But i had to toss it becuase it smelt funny.

"YOUR SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THE DANM TOFU WATER EACH DAY, YOU STUPID, STUPID BOY," he shoutad at me. Junior heard it all. I must of forgot. Tofu must sit in water in a Tupporware containor to stay fresh and you have to change it daily.

Granfather was still mad because he blamed me for burning his tounge with the extra hot meltad cheese in my last update. (We were able to pry the dish off).

Then Granfather asked me (in front of Junior) if i ever blew my nose so hard that a peice of somthing dark came out. And I said YES and he wrinkoled up his hideous upsidedown face to snarl at me "WELL, THET DARK THING WERE YOUR BRAIN BOY, AN YOU UP AND WADDED IT IN THE TRASH."

I saw a guy selling wallets once at the SanFrancisco Whorf and they were made of, (How disgousting), turkey leather. Granfathers wrinkly crevissed face looks just like turkey leathor from a very elderly turky with a bad case of some sort of lumpy rash.

A Scene at the carwash

As Junior pulled up he asked the man if he wanted to have hot wax added to the car wash for $1.50 extra. Granfather said NO it was alredy costing $20 for the truck ride and $3 for the wash and he didnt need wax. (On Wendsdays wax is its free).

I looked out the back of the truck cab as the old bastord got lathored up with those undulating giant red rubbery fabric strips that mash the soap all on you. Granfather started screaming and his upsidedown face was twisted and contourted in painfull agony so i thuoght somthing was wrong but it was TOO LATE to stop the carwash.

Waxing not so eloqeuntly