Walter Miller's Homepage

...One day i will learn how to make money off of this danm thing.

Octobor 1997 Uppdate

Page 6 of 6

The other thing that gets me going

It is when Granfathor does that awful Hannobol the Cannibal line from Silence of the Lambs when Anthony Hokpins says "I ate his livver with some fava beans." If I ever ask Granfather, "Where's the mailman?" Or else, "Where's Janet, or Wilson, or Drive By?" (they are names of our dogs), Granfather will always answor in a devious whispory voice followwed by these hungry slurpey noises: "I ATE HIS LIVOR WITH SOM FAVVA BEANS."

I never shoud of watched that danm movie. I had bad dreams for a year. My stepmom warned me not to go but i was too dumb to liston.

By the way: You may of notticed that many of Granfathers dogs have odd names. Wilson is named for the guy who plays Tim Tailor's neighber on Home Inprovement and who you never get tosee his whole face. The poor dog of his namesake has this unexplainned prepondorance of bulbuos mangy boils on the bottom of his face which as a result causes it to be perpettually obscured. i have never seen his whole face. We think he cought the rash from Granfather but no one can prove it.

The goats make themselfs at home

They wandored arround the yard eating scraps and garbage where they coud find it, and making those little dry sprays of poo pellets allover like goats do. I do feel sorry for the poor ugly animals with theire crusty topped horn heads. But atleast its nice to have goats arround agian.

In a faint weak redeeaming ray of grace from deep within Granfather's dark psyche, the old geezor is allowwing me to name them--So if you think of names for a goat please write me. If I name one (or both) on your sugestion, I will credit you in a futture update, and where you live: (Not your adress, but "John In Ohio" or somthing like that). Oh, and of course: The first thing i did was seal down Granfathers prized basball auttograph to its familier spot on the trailer wall with a few layors of clear packing tape. I am NOT in the mood for more goat stew, (and the bastord is a worse cook than his wife was).

Agian with the voice

Granfathers voice was muffled and obscoured the next day. Then by lunch time it was better agian. There was no explannation. i figoured that something must of been going around because I had a stuffed up nose and I got sick after lunch. All i had was tofu and I switched to the milder "silken" variety, which is softer than the "firm" kind and hardor than the "soft" vareity. Granfather hollered at me "DID YOU CHANGE THE WATOR BOY?" and complained to me that it cost $1.79 a pound and didnt want me wasting it annymore. He is so mean and nagging to me. The other reasen why i thought i was coming down with somthing was that I think i need glasses. My toffu seemed to be missing from its Tupperwear containor, but was there a second time when i looked. i believe I am having problems because of living with Granfather and that it is starting to effect my brain and my sannity.

By the way I am REALLY starting to get sick of that DANM TRAPPED SOFA PRISON. If aneything just for the awful wheeling castor noise at night and cleaning up random pools of syrupy steaming waste, because I cannot fix a diapor to him being that i will cut my arms on the bed springs. Its like living in the frikkin LaBrea Tar Pits. He wants to stay that way till Holoween. But as God is my wittness he will be out of there BEFORE then, i swear it.

The scientists Arive

It was a long time since they showed up, but they did. Granfather had a BIG fight with them. It seems they were in the middle of these experriments with him where the old bastord ran thru this wind tunnel and they shot a stream of smoke at him to check his aerodynammic propperties. And they cant do ANY of this while hes trapped in his cage.

The 2 main scientific camps are sure that the old Sun of a Bich is prehistoric in nature but they are fighting over whethor its eithor Cretacious Era or Triassic. (I happon to think hes no earlier than Pliocene, which is a big supprise for everyone, but NO ONE evor thinks to ask ME).

You see, Granfather dosent walk upright, at least not naturally, and only does so out of force of habit. I am talkin abbout those rare times when he dosent need his wheelchair or walker. There is a stop action silouette film of him, (side view) inside the smoke tunnol from last winter where he is stooped, pitched foward and running toword a picture of a nakad woman. When you run it in slow motion with a strobe, he seems to ballance himself on an invisibble tail and his hips swing outward as he runs, sort of like an evil velociraptor. His stooped, lopeing gait seems to prove he is a common ancester to both dinosaures AND apes. Its alwaeys a subject of debbate.

I let them argue.

While they argued and Granfather hollered at them that theyd have to pay him, no smoke tunnel or not, I snuck into the other room to make a secret phone call.
Yes i called my former counselor
I must be gettin devvious in my old age. I called her up nonchallontly to casualy say it was nice running into her at the Carnivol, and she was looking loveley and beutiful as ever, and also I heard what her brother in law said about us all goin on a date.

(Now, I KNOW he didnt mean it serriously--about that date--but perhapps SHE didnt know that I didnt know that he wasnt serioius: That in itself was ligitimately an excuse to call. Yes, it was sneakey of me. But im hoplesly in love and will stretch at any ecxuse to call her).

And then as the convorsation progressed (actualy I was the only one talking) i said that mabye we coud go see Kiss The Girls, that new movie. I said to her that, now, this was a scary film becaause I saw the comercial on TV. And just becuase Morgon Freeman was in it, well, that did NOT mean that this was some mild Driving Miss Daisey fare, but instead the type of film that if she got frightend she coud put her head on my shouldor and covor her eyes and she coud squeese my hand. Only on a FREIND level of course: NOT a BOY-freind level.

She said to me, you know Walter, I am sorry you cannot see what is going on here. She said it was time to come down hard on me, as much as she liked me personally. She said she was going to imediatly get off the phone and call my dad and suggest that i continue councelling (not with her, but with my other counselor who i just stopped seeing in July). Then politely she hung up. Well i didnt cry becase I sort of KNEW that woud hapenn if I called.

When i came back in the living room the scene was reminniscent of the famous See No Evil, Hear No Evil Speak no evil paperwieght where the 3 monkeys are squatting in a row. Except that the 3 scientists were all sittin on our couch, covoring their faces with there hands, while all 3 loudley wept, utterly weeping all three. I asked one closest to me WHAT DID HE DO NOW, and he just shook his head.

Finally aftor a few minuts he said to me that between the 3 of them they have like 39 years of college, with specielties in things like cryptozoology and teratological reptile and primate studdies. One of the men was crying becuase he simply coud not understand after all this time WHAT granfather is, and it seems his life and all his knowlege of science is a waste. The second guy was cryin becaause of all the things they discover abbout him seems to go against all biological pricippal. And the third guy: Well he just kept going on: "Heaven help the human race, heaven help the human race," holding his head. The other sceintists said that this fellow thuoght that Granfather was a harbingor for the end of the world & that they woud be watching him so he woudnt kill himself

Then i went in the kitchon. Granfather was mumbling--yes mumbling AGAIN--and had this savage grin on his face. I said what the HELL is your problem. And then he openned up his disgousting mouth and there sitting inside of it with his forked revvolting rat tail of a tounge was my WHOLE one pound block of tofu!!!


Yes anothor food i will never be able to eat agian.

It turns out the old bastord has ben doing this bad habit for 4 months now. And i am PISSED at those sceintists cause suposedly they KNEW what was going on and NEVER told me: They were just intrieuged and studying how he was abel to do it without puttin teethmarks or leavin tounge hairs on it.

I am too grossed out to write anymore today

But as i close: Glory Be: THIS VERY MINUTE he is at the body shop in the next county screamin and holloring his friggin head off as the men with blow torches are CUTTIN THE BASTORD FREE. Yes the estimmate was $220 and i was glad to pay every cent of it myeself.

I just got off the phoene with them too: The beast started chokking and then hacked up this giant thing on the garage floor that they thuoght was a big tapeworm but when they describbed it to me we figoured out it was a 2 foot lenhtgh of one of those pulled off rubber soaping strips from the car wash he must of swalloewed by misteak a week ago.

See you next time, for the Mid Octobor 1997 Update.