Walter Miller's Homepage
Go ahead. Feel better about yourself. Read about me.
My Mid-Octobor Update First on Geociteis Update
Page 4 of 5
We are not even sure if any tornados came near to our place but it was a bad storm. People make fun of Texas trailers in tornadoes like on King Of The Hill but i never luagh about it cause Ive seen 3 of them in my life.
The worst part
The worst part of the whole ordeal was bein cooped up with GRANFATHER. Between him and the animols in close qaurters it was smelling quite rangy in there for the 2 hours we were in there. Also he kept yammerin on about atmosphearic conditions and "El Nino" and how the weather was gettin worse. He never knows what hes talkin about. But i will say that theres probly a small hole in the ozone layer 3 feet in diametor miles abbove directly wherever the old bastord hapens to of squatted his lazy skinny ass at that moment.
The Eye of the Storm passes us.
Granfather seemed happy once the calm of the eye was ovorhead. He kept fantosizing about all the fatty foods he was goin to eat once we got back inside the trailer.
"KNOW WHUT I WANT FER SUPPER?" he said, while munching his razory brown horse teeth on the enuormous salami. I ignoared him so he started whackin me with his hand till i payed atention. "I SAID, YOU LITTLE WUSSY, KNOW WHUT I WANT FER SUPPER?'". I was ignorring him cause i KNEW what he was goingto say and i did NOT want to hear it. He kept whompin me with his big leathory hand which felt exactley like if you took a rough asbestes glove and filled it with lead shot pellots and they wailed it arround. It hurt like hell and didnt stop untill I said WHAT!
The old geezor chuckled and ansowered just as i thought he woud, he said "I WANTS ME SOME 'PORK CHOPSSHH AND APPLE SHAWSHE'" ...and he was slurring the 'SH' sound and dragging it out very long. Yes just like on that tired old Brady Bunch eppisode from before i was even born, but that i know so well, when Peter Bradey tries to devvelop a new image for himself and begins immittating Huphrey Bogart. Granfather knows i hate when he does it.
Then he told me to run out and get him his smokes which were on the TV table. He said he had to make sure they were his CUBAN cigars, not the cheap Americans.
I said are you crazey HELL NOWe argeud for a few minuts until the eye passed and the storm kicked up agian. Now he started screamin savagely that Id missed my opportunitty to go out during the calm of the storm and in any case I woud have to go out NOW while the tempest raged. I said even loudor: HELL NO! YOUR NUTS!
The old cruel mean beast narowwed his cobra like yellow eyes and guttorally snarled "ILL GIT YOU FER THIS BOY", and boy he did. For the next 30 minuttes he kept reppeating nonstop:
PORK CHOPSHH!.....AND APPLE SHAWSHH!...
PORK CHOPSHH!.....AND APPLE SHAWSHH!...
...and he told me he woud keep up till i got him his Cubon stogies (and i reffused) and sometime during the mindshattoring frackas (i dont remember HOW i got there), i found myself humming loudly to myself to drown out the noise, hands cupped on my face, my shouldors scrunched up to covor my ears thruogh panicked weeping, kneeling face down on the moldey indoor-outdoor carpet of the sheltor floor.
Finaly i gave in and bolted out of there in the storm to get his friggin smokes.
YOU FERGOT THE DAMN MATCHES!
Yes i had to go out AGIAN. The wind tossed me on my ass like a tombleweed. It was like the danm Wizerd Of Oz out there. Once i got back inside shivvoring Granfather was a little upset because i got the Quintero Shorties and NOT the danm Cohaiboes which he was in the mood for.
ALRIGHTEY THEN, GO OUT AGINN
i looked at him and pointed to the earplugs i had put on when i went inside, and said NO and I DONT CARE. Granfather dejjectedly looked back. He knew he was licked.
The animols get upset
After yet anothor hour cooped up in there Janet began howling and Drive By started warbling and heaving up these immaginary hairballs, (in a manner that you realy woud ecxpect more from a cat than a dog, but he always does that), and plus the poultrey started freakin out and dancing the funky chickon.
The goats seemed to be okay. Pansy II apeared a bit confused and started crapping a little ovor in the corner and Vice President of Brand Developmant Halla Mackowska just stared blankley at the wall lookin no worse for wear. The old bastord used his subhuman charm to plaicate poor Drive By and Janet. He gathored and cuddled both hounds on his lap and said softley and soothingley to them to comfort them, (by only screamin at the top of one lung with a cigar cletched in his teeth):
"HEY THERE, YUH BUTT-UGLY CAININE VARMINTS. GUESS WHAT GRANMPY DID YESTERDAY! I DONE SLIMED THE COUNTY CLERK WITH A BIG ASS OLE PASTEY ONE RIGHT ON HIS DANM TWIG NECK.
the Big clean up
Our property alwayes sort of looks like a tornadoe and hurrocane hit it at the same time but this was a real mess. A 55 Gallen drum had crashed thruogh the window and was now in the center of the floor. The well pump was busted and worst of all the roof was OFF the barn!
We were extremmly fortunnate to get a plumber come over so quickley. One reasen is that one plumbor in particulour was hoping to come over just to see what our ramshackol junkyard of a place looks like, since vissitors are usualy not permited. He arived at nearley the crack of dawn to beat out the other plumbers in the area. But he seemed to of been VERY sorry he came soon after he arivved.