So pitifuly awful, it must be real.
November can mean only one thing:

the Septembor 1999 Update

Page 2 of 6

Yup we went to the doctor. Even thuogh the whole thing was disastorrous. The problem is that Granfather's gas and crapping which was allways so bad to begin with has now taken on worse epic proportions. You can go back and read some of my earlior updates from '96 and '97 where, at that time, (as I still do) was lamenting his nasty stink. Howevor back then he smelled sweeter than a baby compaired to what hes progressed to NOW. Think about it. In all that time how ofton have I actualy wrote about him bathing? Hmmm.

Anyway the day he FINALY agreed to go to the doctor I had an inportant meeting at work that I blew off in order to take him there. It is very inportant that Granfather go to the doctor. Theres been allot of strain on his intestines and for some reason all events rellated to his digestive systam have been very stressing to him. (Theyve already been stressing to the rest of us), but the old basterd is gettin chest spasoms and pulmonery palpitations from his latest Rickter-scale craps and farts. Nobody knows why.

First I have to get the time off

I mentionned that the stupid mannagement of my job were planning this big off-site meeting. Well in ordor to plan for it we had to have allot of stupid ON SITE meetings. I cant tell you how much freakin time was spent: [A] planning and having a week's worth of ONSITE meetings just to talk abuot the OFF site meetings; [B] takin time off work to plan a two day ovornight meeting at a fancy resort hotel six hours' drive away, and, [C] juggoling our new heavior workload and tryin to figure out how to get all our work done, now that we were all forced to lose 4 days of work (if you count the travel time on eithor side of it) to a stupid offsite meeting no one wanted to go to.

By the way the purpoce of the meeting was on how to inprove productivity while reducing ovorhead and costs.

My anoying pain in the ass boss

The tiny stout highpitched voiced squat little pain in the ass toadfaced woman who Ive wrote abbout plenty of times in these pages needed to authorrize my wanting to take one day off with just one day's notice. Like the nozy pain in the ass that she is, she coud not just OK my request by email -- no, she had to have a speciel meeting with me in the kitchenette.

"ANY-hoo, let's touch base in person," she said to me in a phonemail. She says "anyhoo" insted of "anyway," and allways on purpose, and allways draggin out the first part like this: AAAAAny hoo.

And so we sat there at lunchtime while for half the meeting i had to look at her fat ass as she stood on a stool fishing out her diet nutrition bars out from the back of the freezer. The rest of the time I had to sit there as she devoured two of them, frozon like rocks as they splintored into a million shattored jagged peices of peanuts nougat and fake chocollate coating which tumbled onto the table while she ground her teeth into them with jawbreaking gravelly crunches.

"Eating these help me stay trim!," she trilled as her tiny bowling pinlike legs dangolled beneath her off the egde of the chair, too short to reach the floor. Funny, to me, she seemed to be gettin fatter than ever since eatin these danm things. It looked like the entire floor and table were covored with 100 shards from a busted brown ceramic vase. Then with her plump little thumbs she wiped all of them up and stuffed them in her moulth crunching and chomping. It looked and sounded like sombody eatin a sack of danm rocks.

Also what the hell is the deal with 'ANY-hoo'? Why do people say this? Is it suposed to be funny? Is there a joke in there i am not getting?

Plus her face is genuineley toadlike. Its kindof sad cause she has a good heart. Like a Surinam tree toad actualy if youve ever seen one. I did once, on a nature show.

"Now, ANY -hoo, WHEL-ter," she warbled in her anoying Chigaco accent, "WHY do you need time off?"

I explianed that i had to bring the old basterd to the doctor. Then she wanted to talk abbout me, and "how i am feeling." She told me she's been readin my homepage and lately has been sencing in my writings some "latent hostillity toword the workplace" here and there, and also said in slightley more vailed words that she wasnt all that happy with my description of her.

"And, the mispellings, Whel-ter. It's been a long time. It's time to use a spellcheckor, Whel-ter."

I wasted 40 freakin minutes of my danm life that i will never get back agian listening to her screech and wail and whine and watchin her ugly warty remarkably toadlike visage munch and maw on those ugly frozon stony diet stalagtites.

The next day goin to the doctor -- a mean, sadistic mood. The rest of this update is prety much deddicated to Granfather's trip to the doctor.