Walter Miller Homepage


Octobor 1996 Update

Page 2 of 7

The fans have spoken: MORE WALT AND MORE GRAMPA

I am now tryin to do 2 updates a month. I dont know if I can handle it but ill try. IF IM LATE A DAY OR 2 PLAESE DONT HANG ME BY MY ASS.

The main monthly updates around the 1st of the month will concentrate on my abbusive relatonship with granfather. The other mid-month update will be sort of my spraeding my wings with new features (with heavy doses of imput from the old ogre) like the Olympic and politicol update. I got lots of good mail on them.

Granfather thinks now cause of the sucess of the politicol update that he shoud be an opinion humorist. Hes wheelin around our trailer and property doin this shreiking bloodcourdling Andy Rooney imitation: DJEVER NOTICE HOW FAT CLINTONS HEAD IS? DJEVER NOTICE HOW FRIKKIN ANNOYING MY DAMN VOICE IS?

Think about this for a minute when you consider my unfortunate family situation: Take a mean nasty saddistic mutant. Give him a genius mind and a soupernatural ability to remember and mimick anythin he hears. Also give him problems with bodily functions. Then sit him in front of TV for 19 hours a day for 6 years. Then finally let him use the Web for a year. You can see why each day I hear new things like: DJEVER NOTICE HOW THESE DOLLAR-SIXTY-NINE ENEMAS NEVER WORK? I KIN NEVER GET THE TOPS OFF EM. THE WAY I SEE IT, IF YOU GOTTA CRAP THAT DAMM BAD, YOU SHORE AS HELL SHOUD PAY MORE'N $1.69.

Sucess goes to his head

Mean, unnatractive women from across the USA have got in touch with granfather--mostly Democrats and GOP broads but a few VERY SCARY Perot devotees as well. (NO I WILL NOT REVEAL HIS E-MAIL ADRESS). The old beast has had enough for a while. To use a politicol phrase, the man pretty much defines the term 'STRANGE BEDFELLOEWS' even when he sleeps alone.

Granfather also has this real problem with Marc Russel. I cant have PBS on at all anymore in case they accidentaly show him on a commerciel. If he sees Mark Rusell on TV he turns purple an throws violent fits with the whole wheelchair shaking an bouncing an screamin at the top of his lungs calin him a 'Damn no-talent Hanoi Hoarhouse piana-player."

Habeus Cheesus

Readers of my homepage from back in August remember an incodent where my granfather ate 2 thirds of a circa 1982 Reagan administraton 5-pound block of Americon cheese. It had been sittin all this time in his belley and we hoped it woud pass on its own. It never did. In the early part of this month granfather was hospitolized for an emergency cheezectomy. He collapsed in cramps an was rushed to the hospitol. Also he olmost suffered kidney shutdown.

Were pleased to report the old troll made a rapid recovery and less than 48 huors out of anastesia he was makkin sugestive peurile remarks to the poor nurses.

A little dysfunctoinal Family Vacatoin

Our whole familys in gruop therapy to deal with shattered relationships and bitterness and also other problems. Granfathers usually the cause of all of these problems. In any case my Dad thougt itd be a good idea if we took a Family Bonding week at the shore. Him and my stepmom flew in from Califonria and rented a minivan and we spent a week on the gulf shore.

A reputation paves the way

Two doctors in central Texas heard of granfather an wanted to see him just to SEE if the rumors of how hideously disgusting he is coud possibly be medicaly true. We detoured there for a day. Granfather colected $600 (he saw 3 specialists an charged them $200 each to examine him and take all the pitcures they wanted. When I was a kid he charged 50 bucks.)

While the experts marveled and poked at the monstrosity I snuck down to a payphone to make some secret calls. More about that in a minute.

But before we even left where we live, we had to prepare the van before granfather was allowed in it. Dad watched him in the trailor while me and my stepmom spent a whole day sealing off the back cargo area and uppolstrey with heavy plastic tarps and electricol tape. This was cause he woud undoubtadly be spittin tobacco juice the whole time and we didnt want him peeing or crappin in there as well. It was a rented van.

In addition to taping up the roof an floor we also put a peice of plexyglass there to seal him off from the frontseat area.

CONTINUED: The long ride