Becuase a mind is teribble thing.
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We have used RID and othor lice killing products ovor the years, but you know what? I am sick of it. I alwayes wonder if they are comming back. So this time I shaved my danm head.
Right this very minute as I write Granfather is havving a loud conniption fit because he is in the othor room watching a tape of the Charley Rose Show on PBS and his geust is Patrick Stewart, the actor who plays Captian Jon Luke Picard. Why is he screamming? Granfathers become very much a big Star Trek fan, and you know how Mr. Rose conducts his show: He asks a question, (often a good qeustion), and just as the persen tryes to answor, he interruppts the guest to ask another question, (this time a stupid queston), or else make a dumb comment, or even worse: He starts to verbally think out loud for a coupol of minuts. Then you nevor get to hear what the guest's answor was to the originol good queston.
The annoyying pain in the ass that he is, (Granfather, not Mr. Rose), also has this burnt black ring of charred flesh aruond his mouth since the day beffore as the result of an acident because he was spitting a stream of tobaco juice at the TV (specificaly at Brandon on Beverly Hills 90201), and the danm idiot, (Granfather, not Brandon), made the misteak of hitting an electricol juncture inside the set at the same time he had a full wet diapor. I dont wanto tell you how it made the room smell. Plus he had somthing in his moulth and throat that condducted the electrisity very well.
Even worce his mouth was on fire!!
If you ever saw the opening credits of the Tonite Show with Jay Leno when the anouncer says, "...And I'm Ed Hall," and then you see Mr. Hall standing in front of the merry-Go-Round with flames on his toungue, well, that is exactley what it looked like. But instaed of it being Edd Hall 's face, imagine if you will the face of one of those rabid albino attack apes from the movie Congo on the body of one of those emaciated wrinkley yellow hairless cancer research mice who always seem to be on the news allot lately. Thats what it looked like ecxept much more uglier. And also with a smouldering diaper which also had flaimes shooting out.
The second downside i refer to is that the Idiotic Mouth-On-Fire incodent occured BEFORE the Idiotic Kerosine-in-the Shower Cap treatment. If only it coud of hapenned WHILE it was on his head. It woud of been nice to see him go up like a nice Roman Candle. Insted of the Roamin' friggin' freak show he remains.
In any case I saved his life instedd by mashing his head in a bowl of some cold leftovor corn hominy we had in the fridge. It was hard to get ahold of him because he leapt out of his wheelchair and was stomping and arround the floor in pain like the Micheal Flatly guy in Lord of the Dance. My reward for alowwing the beast to live is to hear him ramble on and shout at Charli Rose on the TV set right this very minute:
"GOLDANGIT, LET CAPTIAN PICARD TALK!" His voice is all distortad thanks to his mouth being scorched and crumpeled into an "O" shape due to the voltage burn. He has to put cigarets up his nose in order to smoke, which is allot more disguosting than it sounds.
"CAPTAIN KIRK WOUDN'T PUT UP WITH THIS. JANEWAY, WHY SHE'D THROW HIS ASS IN THE BRIG.
"AN' IF IT WUZ MY MAN SISKO, YOU KNOW HE'D WHUP OL' CHARLEY ROSE UPSIDE HIS HEAD ACROSS THAT BIG ASS OAK TABLE WITH ONE O'THEM CHEAP PLASTIC PHAZER RIFLES."
Granfather has had problems his whole life figouring out where fantacy leaves off and real life begins. He is a pitiful, bitter abbusive man whose whole life consists of lazyness, being cruel to othors, and sitting on his skinny hams watching televison. I beleive deep down that Granfather is jealuos of Mr. Rose because he is inteligent, handsome and sucesfull, but most of all has done somthing with his life. Dispite the fact he combs and fluffs his hair with merangue. In any case:
I woud like to say this: What allot of folks forget is that I am a real persen, and somtimes workload, (and not to mention diaperload) can consume one's time. Sometimes one is ovorwhelmed. Sometimes, one must atend to the "number two" of the number one makor of number two in the world. And somtimes (hard to belive but in any case true) that number two ACTUALY CATCHES FIRE.
He has spent many hours trying to ingest othor types of string, but the stomich acids always rot them. He is so dettermined not to fail in his dream of acheiving the eqiuvalent of an alimentary Northwest Passage.
How does Granfather define that wretched and mentaly twisted quest? In a parraphrase of a thunderously charismattic speech Senator Ted Kenneddy gave at the 1980 Democrattic Convention, which the old bastord, (Granfather, not Kennedy), saw replayed on PBS not too long ago. The speech, (perhapps Ted's best) was the drammatic closing scene of the four-part American Expereince mini-sereis intitled The Kennedys.
Granfather has been rumbling arround the trailer trilling out in an emotionnoly quavoring perfect immitation of a Kennedy's voice, compleat with patrician Bosten accent:
MY DIA-PAAH NEEDS TO BE CHANGED...
MY BOILS NEED TO BE LAAAH-NCED...
THE AAH-CIDS OF MY STOMACH HAVE CORRODED THE DENTAL FL-AAH-SS...
I HAVE THE LAAHR-GEST, THE BROADEST,
THE WIDEST, AND THE FATTEST ARSE OF AAAHHLL THE KENNEDYS...
...AND THE DREAM SHALL NEH-VAAAH DIE.