Walter Miller's Homepage

"It's a mighty poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word."
-- Andrew Jackson

March 1998 Update

Page 2 of 7

"Ich Bin Ein Uber-Bastord"

Just a side note here: Granfather doesent do a bad Keneddy immitation. He can do all the Kenneddys voices too. His favvorite one to do is Bobby.

Alot of my readers sent in sugestions for materials that Granfather can use for his project

Many thanks to you all, and the bastord has asked that i convey his apreciation, especialy for Marla in Idaho who wrote in to sugest a certian kind of test fishing line. And also Jose in Ecuador who sugested tungsten fillaments.

As it turnned out the dream did NOT die

You will not beleive what he actualy settled on using. Or, what hapenned after he used it. And how it helped assist and intensiffy that ellectrocution of his mouth. And what ELSE hapenned, just prior to the burnt moulth acident. It is enuogh to make you sick.

I will get to more about what my atrocious ancestor is up to in just a bit. Especialy what he mixed with the Kerosine in that showor cap he is wearing, becuase you will not belive it. But first i will back up a few days, and write abbout, yes you geussed it:


As you know I go into the office one day a week, and that lately this has increased to two days a week. Well it is a big expence for me becuase it is over 150 miles each way. This month I will reach my one year anivversary at the Netly News and I asked them for a small increase just to covor my extra gas mileage and they said sorry we cannot.

Plus, Noah leaves

In adition to my mounting probloms, a guy named Noah who was my imediatte supervizor left Netly and got a job at anothor company. Noha was my freind and I will miss him allot. This is also disastorrous because Noha had been "running interference" for me as they say, with upper management. Which realy means, he was bailing me out when i screuw up on the job, which had been increasing lately. Do you see how i put Febuary 97 insted of Febuary 1998 on my last hompage update? Well, it was allot of problems like THAT which were getting me into hot water.

I try to do my best but my best is not good enuogh. I am just too stupid. And now I do not have Noah here to protect me aneymore.

I have said it before: I am what is called a 'High Maintonence Enployee'

But you know the more i think about it, perhaps its good that Noah left becuase while he never said the ecaxt words, I have a feeling that I was begining to annoy the hell out of him.

My new suppervizor seems to be a very nice guy but if history is any indocation it is onley a mattor of time before i irreporrably screuw things up.

Musicol Cubes

Here in our small sattellite office in Texas they had a small Re-org. Do you know when your a kid and you play Musical Chairs? Well when your an adult and you get a job, you play Musicle Cubes. It usualy consists of moving your office for no reason at all.

To begin with we are only 40 peoplle seated in one large ground floor room. But even still they are makking me exchange workstations with the guy 3 cubes down from me. Yes those are the rules, thanks to the danm Re-Org. You have to unplug your machine, clean out your drawers, and pack everrything up. Next, the Ops guys come by to re-route the cieling cables and token rings, and this usualy takes a whole day.

The old Lets-Have-A Reorg-And-Change-Ofices game is just like that old joke about Saddom Hussain comanding the Iraqui Army to change there undorwear: "You change shorts with that guy. And you there, you change with HIM." Yes, the tired old 'Motion is Progress' principol. Meanwhile motion is NOT progress. Productivvity does not increase. And aftor all that changing the Irraqi Army still has cheeze on its ass. I may be stuppid but I undorstand how busines works. If these people were smart they'd promote me to Mannagement.

To make it all worse, thanks to the move i am now seated next to this guy who farts all day long. He sits in the cube to the left of me. To the rihgt of me there is a pretty girl and she told ME to stop farting. When I explained that it is HIM and not me, she said she coudnt beleive it traveled that far, but it is true. Yes, his gas is so bad it wafts over two whole cubes. But because I do not complaine, she thinks its ME.

Me and her had a big argumment.

The argument was by e-mail, because even thuogh we sit next to each othor we cannot look at each othor. She sent me an URGENT INSTANT E-MAIL, RETURN RECIEPT REQEUSTED, and in it she said to me, "Walter, you are telling me that you cant smell THAT?" and then i wrote back and said "Yes i CAN smell it", but since I live with GRANFATHER, i am used to rancid gas: VERY used to it.

Speaking of Granfather...

Granfather is still dating the Female Version of Bob Barkor. You know it is ammazing, but ever since I started thinking abbout Granfather's twisted creation theollogy a few months ago -- the one that maintains that there are 8 diferrent "counterparts" of each person, in the form of all diferent genders and races, each of them simultaneuosly created by God on the same day in a large celestiol muffin tray -- I have been noticing exampoles of it whennever i go out in public. For exampol, the female white version of Judge Ito works in the caffeteria truck stop outside our town. The male version of actress Bea Arthur came over to pump our septic last week. Also a personol longtime freind of mine actualy admited to me when i ran into her at Internet World that she is sure she is the African-Americon Baby Spice. Anyway, here at home I am getting used to the familior crinkly suntanned face and profesionally delivered broadcast bantor of Granfather's new girlfreind around the house, and even (Yuck!) comming from Granpy's bedroom late at night.

I will admitt thuogh that a few things are a little spooky. The othor day they were both in there suckin down a coupol of whisky sours and watchin the Price Is Right, and the side-by-side conparison was realy was shocking. Anothor time i came home from the Mini Mart and unloaded a bag of grocereis onto the table. She looked at the six items and quickley calculated that they cost $14.69 which was within 5 cents of the actual total withuot going over. Also she keeps calls our washer with atached dryer "a showcase."


As far as myself: I have givven up on rellationships.

As you know my blind dates did not go well. I apreciate the encuragement from my readers. A few of you sugested I leave a turd on the doorstep of that rich girl, along with a note that says,

Dear Darlene, (Not her real name)
What was left in your bowl last week was NOT one of mine, but this indeed is. Please compaire the two if you dont beleive me.

..But of cource I will not do so being too mutch of a gentolman. Those encurragements did make me luagh, howevor and I do apreciate them.

You might think that Granfather woud be suportive of my failures, BUT NO. The mean beast is lately is makking allot of fun of me and rubbing it in that HE has found roamance on the Informattion Superhighway Meat Market of Love in the form of the counterpart female version of legendery televison icon Bob Barker, and that all i will probly end up with (if I am lucky) is perhaps the female-version of the ugliest male descendent of the female versoin of Rodney Dangerfeild on his worst hair day.

I overhear somthing that hurts my feelings

The old basterd was on the phone with my Dad in California while he thoght I was asleep and I heard him tell dad that i am such a loser that my onley chance for a rellationship woud be to join one of those weird cults, and to be sure to get a guarantee from the cult leadors befforehand that they will locate a girl within there sphere of mind control who is willing to go out with me only because even the most desperate woman woud probly need severe brainwashing before she will agree to be my girlfriend. And this is from a man whose brain is so small it can be washed with a Water Pik.

I hate the springtime