Walter Miller's Homepage

its the same old story but you keep coming back for more. I will try to do better.

Late Late-Augost 1997 Update

Page 3 of 7

A horroble Granfather-rellated discovory

Ive written about Granfather's repulsive body hairs before. The man has wirey non human disgusting black wirelike hairs all over his friggin body. Also the hairs smell. And these hairs also have these small microscoppic hooks on them like jumping choiya cactus that snag insect life when they land on him. If a fly wants to commit suicide, alls he has to do is head for the old bastord. If the smell dosnt kill it, another larger bug alredy captive on the predatory hairs on his leathery wooly hide will be glad to oblige. The man is his own frikkin ecosystem.

Well i am at the guys booth and he is intervewing me, and I see the yellow envellope that had my resume in it that I mailed in to him 2 weeks ago and there stuck undorneath the clear plastic tape of the adress label is 2 giant hiddeous wiggly hairs. The crypto-zoologists who examine granfather give certain names to the various types of hairs found allover his body. Some are known as 'Grey dwarfs' others are known as 'Curley Wonders' and others still known as 'Charcole Strait-Pins'. These particulor hairs stuck on this envellope were Granfather's worst of all, the famous 'Black Jumboes' and i will NOT get into the variatal breakdown of the old somofobitch's hirsute anomolies, atleast not now.

Ultimatly its my fault

I dont know HOW these hairs got in there but i know this is sonething that I shoud of been careful to watch out for because Black Jumbos, as rare as they are, are all over our house and they get in your food and in your personol stuff too. Somtimes on the end theres a giant thing that looks like a small scallion. Im ashamed to say it but you dont ever want to eat or even wash your hands in our trailer or even LOOK at the soap. One of these haires is stickin by static cling to my computor screen right now.

"Is this suposed to be funny?"

the man who was interveiwing me pointed to the envolope and said those exact words. You must undorstand that your garden variety Black Jumboe is thickor than danm coax cable, and the spurs are visible. Did you evor see a closeup of a single hair strand undor a micrascope in a shampoo ad where you can see the barky layors of the strand taperring upword from the base like a palm tree trunk? Well you can see those too, even with the nakad eye on GRANFATHERS DISCOUSTING HAIRS.

I answored the man and said "NO, I dont know how that hair got on there" and I felt upset but tryed to act like nothin hapenned. The man thoght I did it on purpose. He also told me that he read my home page, said that he did NOT think my sence of humor was very good. But he did say that in any case they wanted to find people to provide some Valeu-Add pages to their website which was not getting allot of hits and one of the ideas that came to mind was a sponcorship with me. And also, since I knew a little HTML I coud do that for them also.

A woman and a guy who works there came by too and the 3 of them togethor all told me that they thought my writing was childish and it was agianst there better judgment to even meet with me. But they did say that a highor-up person where they worked wanted them to interview me. One of the people there told me that this fellow, there boss, was "Not in the loop" whatevor that means. For them to even be talking openly with me, a stranger, about propblems with their boss woud mean to me that office politics is an issue at this place.

They atack me because of my spelling

This is an issue i am always explaining. Misspellings and typoes are a trademark for me. Some of the spelling is geneiune mistakes and the rest is intentionol so people pay atention to me and feel sorry for me. I first admitted this months ago, in one of my Janaury 97 updates.

Yes, typos ON PURPOSE. I know. Its immature. But Im strouggling with a poorselfimage and cant help it. I am not responsoble for all that I do.

This interview sucks

I felt uncomfortble and insulted. I felt i had nothin to lose. I sort of looked down becuase I coud not look them in the eye. But I did say to them (even raising my voice a little which is rare for me): My writing is not for everyone. If you dont like it, read othor stuff on the web.

I was a little haughtey when i said it too but you dont expect people to be rude when there interviewing you for a job. Also i thought there website SUCKED, and no wondor it wasnt gettin any hits--but i did not dare say this.

but i might say it on A Second interveiw

I have never had a second interview in my life. What usualy hapens to me on a job interview is that they either figure I am too much of a jerk to work for them, or else they cannot believe how cheap I will work for them, so they hire me on the spot. But with these people i atcually got a second interview which will be sometime in Septembor at there office which was somwhere else in California. They also have a Texas office and its posible i will work there, or perhaps from home. I am not alloud to say what company it is or even what city.

I go back to my brothers house

I was feeling pretty good about this and even picked up a whole bag of premeims from Siggraph for granfather. The old bastord loves free premiems.

When i drive up, my brother, his wife and Granfather are in the driveway hollering at each other. My little nephew is standing nearby screamin his head off crying. It seems they just came back from a movie and Granfather started a scene in public.

I get the whole story. First in the darkoned theator Granfather made a giant fart that was so loud a security guard came over to him and said that hes not aloud to have a trumpet in the theator. But it WASNT a trumpet: It was his ass. It was so loud the glass on the popcorn machene way out in the lobby cracked and also the imitation butter flavorred oil in the big reservoire up top curdled and it is NOT SUPOSED to courdle because it is oil. It was the animated Hercuoles film and Granfather kept talking through it saying dumb things like: "WHERE THE HELL IS XENA?" but hes so stupid that he dosent understand that Xena is NOT in the film.

Next: a scene at a restuarrant