Walter Miller's Homepage
Just think of all the countreis arround the world we'd be banned in, if only they all had web connections.
Mid-Setpember 1997 Penultimate-on-Prodigy Update
Page 4 of 7
The sherrif beckons meI went in the bathroom with him and shut the door. He had caustic burns on his face and head from the spattored 100% Pure Granfather allover him, and he suggested I call the doctor to see if he woud visit the old coot.
"Me and Grampy been playin poker on Sundays for 14 years now, but I say its time to 'put the big boy down,' you know, have him put to sleep."
I was horrorfied
The sugestion reppulsed me. Beside, it was agianst the law! The sherrif said, "I know that, boy," and said he was just 'feeling the waters' to get the family's take on things. He told me that he heard a rumor in the police barracks that his grandson was going arround openley bragging that he wanted to kill him. I said "Thats not ME thats my brothor in California, and also his wife." And i also said that Granfather was aware of the plot & on his guard.
It was a bad day for the sheriff
After i left him alone in the john to call the doctor, I hear the sherriff loudly shout. I ran back in and saw that he was trying to sneak in a quick crap while I was on the phone. But we dont have a lid or a seat on the toilet. So he fell in.
He screamed at me "WHY DONT YOU HAVE A SEAT ON THIS THING" and i said "cause Granfather keeps getting head injouries tryin to get a drink."
I get harschly yelled at AGIAN--this time by the doctor
The doctor was NOT happy I called and lately i am very intimmidated by him, because he is mean to me whenevver I call due to his strong raw hatred of Granfather.
Why the doctor is bitter: One reason is that he feels a veterinarian shoud be doing the heavy lifting in regard to the old gristtly geezer. But the main reason is because he is forced by the managed care system to take care of the ancient ghoul--who science is not even sure is clinicly human. He calls the whole thing "sociallized medicine" and also says all the time that if we had REAL socielized medicine in this countrey, the way the Comunnists have it, savage medicol mysteries like Granfather woud be euthanized without qeustion.
"JUST LET ME SET THAT NEEDLE," the docter alwayes says, "AND THE CO-PAYMENT IS ON ME."
The Sheriff wanted to talk to the doctor, so I put him on the phone. After he hung up the sherrif whispered to me that the doctor had a good idea and to go get our jumpor cables.
After I got them he atached them to another set of cables he had in the squad car which were 15 foot long heavey duty ones. Then he hung ours out the window and hooked them to the battory of the police cruiser and revved the engine.
The beast has an idea what's comming next
The Sherrif came back in the house, picked up the copper cable handles layin on the floor, and walked toward Granfather.
The old reptile constricted his saffron colored eyes and muttored pensively to him, "I ALWAYS FERGIT," he said, "IS IT POSITIVE TO NEGGOTIVE, OR NEGGOTIVE TO..." and the sherrif interuppted him in a loud voice, "Shut up, Granpy," and that if he didnt hush up right there, hed attach all 4 cables post haste right onto his 'executive clamdigger.'
Then the sherrif clamped the black "minus" cable to a pipe on the egde of the crusched couch, and while the old bastord looked at him with a pleading gawking gaze, the sherrif swiped the red "plus" cable agianst the pipe; A shower of sparks spreyed with a popping noise and granfather bolted and spasmed. "IS GRANPY GONNA BEHAVE?" the sherrif demanded.
More sparks flyGranfather then dirrected to the sherrif in a crude expeletive term his desire that the Sherrif cordially go have rellations with himself. The sherriff pressed the cable agian to the pipe and granfather shivered and shuddered. There was a slight popping noise, and his hair and skin smouldered.
This is gross(Please accept the standord Walter Miller's Homepage Disgust-O-Meter(TM) rating of 4 out of 10 for the following parragraph):
A rancid peurile smell emmonnated in the room which was just like in Boy Scout camp when you find a nasty pile of bear crap in the forest and throw it into the campfire after supper: You know how it pops like popcorn if theres allot of rasberries and pine cone seeds in it. (I was always the one who was forced to carry it way in the back of the line by the othor Scuots in a plastic bag till the hike was ovor and they got the fire going. And if it was raining it was a LONG TIME beffore the fire was going).
Granfather does NOT buckle underThe sherrif threatened him again to CALM DOWN, and once more the old bastord was rude, crude and lude with a 'tude. Then the sherrif looked at me, and his eyes were watory. He told me that the doctor told him over the phone that a sustained elecrticol charge woud NOT threaten granfather's life, and that he wasnt a cruel man, and please dont hold agianst him what he was about to do.
I said, "OK Sherrif i trust you and the doctor. After all the whole danm county knows its true: its not a man: Its a friggin animal."
Septembor 1997: a milestoneThen the sherrif nodded and clamped the cable full onto the crunched up rolling sofabed. The old bastord thrashed arround, his eyes bugging out and then said "OK, YALL ASKED FER IT!" and then made the most giant fart you can believe. Talk abbout Weird Sceince. These blue bolts of lightning shot up the cables then out the window and there was a small discharge where the battery on the police cruisor exploaded and flew out from under the hood and landed 8 feet away in the yard. I say its a milestone becuase of that other air bomb Granfather laid that injured my dad just a week ago. This was unusual, so after i called the tow truck for the sherrif, I called those scientists at the university who like to examine Granfather. He was DEFFINITLY due for anothor examonation.
Chickon for supper
Two of our chickons were killed and one had all her danm feathors blowed off and had to be put out of her misory. I hosed the whole area down cause battery acid was spalattored everywhwere. For a rare treat the dogs got to have meat-- and since Granfather was feeling pretty good and jovial about his acomplischments of the day, he didnt even mind in the least.