Walter Miller Homepage
"This ISNT your fathers Intornet"
Sept 96 Update
Page 2 of 7
Things get back to normal
Two days after I got back to Texas the TIME article hit the newsstands.
Even though hes not a mortal, Granfather too wants to immortolize himself in print. Alot of people wrote to say they liked my special Olympic feature.
As I said granfather loves the Olympcs cause you see world records bein set on live TV. One of his goals is to also be in the Guinnis Book of Records--for SOME KIND OF record it doesnt matter what.
Mabye the worlds most Disgousting Man.
I sugested the man with the loudest voice. I told you when he screams it can break bottels and kill goldfish. Also theres no objective way to measure odors. Granfather nixed all these ideas an scremed at me to find a way he can be enshrinned in the record book.
No more food records
Giuness no longer lists food records so people dont get killed tryin to set new ones. Too bad cause hes able to do quite well here. But finally we find somthing thanks to Curt Vonnegut.
What the hells a 'Sirin?'
My Dad says back in the 60's granfather was really into Vonnegut and even owned a black tourtleneck shirt but i dont think he ever wore it. One time around 1969 he even called Vonegut up as he used to be listed in the New Englond phone book. He wanted him to explane somthing he didnt understand in Sirens On Titan. The great author was eatin supper at the time and him an granfather started hollerin at each other. It ended badly.
Well after 3 decades hes gettin into Vonnogot again. We now have all the Books on tape. An obscure line in one book has given granfather an idea about how he coud get into Gueness.
Thank you Mr Rosewater
One of the lesser-known Vonnegot books is Godbless you Mr Rosewater. In one chapter, our hero Eliot Rosewater is in a mentol ward walkin around nakad. While his fammily is discusing what to do with him, Eliot acidently and serrendipitosly discovers a hair on his body YOU KNOW WHERE which he uncurls an is suprised to find is 11 inches long.
HELL I GOT EM LONGER'N THAT ON MY PALMS
This 11-inch hair has nothin to do with the plot and is not mentioned again in the book. But it does supply my beastly ancestor with a new pourpose in life.
GET THE TAPE MEASORE!
Next thing you know the old basterd is buck nekkid squattin on the kitchen table with a flashlite, tweazers an GEUSS WHO helpin him poke around with a tape ruler. In no time at all we find a few beauties. Frankly i was ammazed. Some of them must of been growin for years only to be burnt off in the 4th of July accident. The best haires were on his chest an belly plus under his arms. Its the frikin Amazon down there. There was many hairs in the thirten, 14, 15inch range.
COUDA BEEN A CONTENDER
Thats what granfather said in his drop-dead Brando when he found a real long one that didnt make it an had a burn mark at the end. Who knows what would of been its potential.
But after a few hours we hit pay dirt with 2 remarkabel specimons. There was a big wirelike jetblack beutey measurin 22 inchs long thicker than a damn coax cable that Granfather imediately named The Genneral Shermon. Then there was a long wispey one, barely visibble, almost like a spidder web and it was 20 and 1/2" long. He called this one The General Lee.
I KNOW WHERE THERES MORE
Now hes scrambling round in the kitchen drawer for a papper clip. He bent in a hook an dug it hard up his nose. I KNOW ITS UP THERE he hollered an he dug till his nose was bleadin.
Learning the Lingo
Finally we picked a winner. A single reddesh brown strand emerged, shy at first an then cascadding down and I must say it was mint, it was cherry, CHERRY as they say.
Near 4" long and under a magnofying glass it was flat by a 2 to 1 width/depth ratio with a bold lenticular shapped crown in the cross sectoin.
YES, that night I got on the internet to learn all i can about body hair an body hair records. Let me tell you theres lots of WIERD PEOPLE hanging out in chat and in the Newsgruops.
If you can overlook the wierdoes youll meet on the Net you might even self-edducate yourself here an there.
We are learning the lingo me an granfather. AND SOME PEOPLE SAY THE INTERNET IS USELESS.