Walter Miller Homepage

Wasting the company time of our Readers' employers since 1995

Sept 96 Update

Page 3 of 7

This big nose hair granfather named Pride Of Milwuakee. He didnt say why. All i did know was that granfather an I had now latched onto somthing we coud do together an mabye throgh quality time even learn to be friends. Granfather also said he might cut back on smokking which was a welcome thought too as not to burn any precoius world record hairs. It was a rare happey day at our normally disfunctional home.


Granfather was in a jovvial mood an decidded wed toss back some brewskis an go online to harass some of the snooty Hummel colectors just for kicks in one of the IRC colectible chat areas because we were nice lower middel class stiffs who collected good old made in the USA Precoius Moments with an ax to grind. It was lots of fun. Granfather was wittey and mean.

A potential problem arrises

After an hour or so of that me an the old coot busted back into the Body Hair Records chat room pleased with ourselves an bragged to everyone about what we found. One of the knowit-alls whose a big shot in body hair circles pointed out to us that Man-Child, a giant hair from the nose of a waitress in Syrocuse, New York was clearly bigger than the one grandfather had but that was OK. We were real excited over the other two, the General Lee an the General Shermon. They all agread we had a shot at the record.

But then we get an omminous e-mail from Fuzzmaster3, an arrogent basterd down in Autsralia who claims to be the grand Poobah of hair record knowlege. We hapenned to mention that The General Sherman was found on a mole. Everyone knew mole hairs dont count.

Mole hairs can be yards in length an people groom them for years. If that was the case then our record meant squat.

The General Lee woud be our top seed, and everyone knows body hairs top out at 20 inches, best bet 21. At 20 and 1/2 General Lee was far lower in the world rankings way down at 66th and plus Fuzzmaster3 told us when they get wispey their time is almost up. These damn hairs were friggin barely good enouigh for our crappy county museum.

Granfather was furrious.


He wanted me to call them collect CAUSE THEM RICH ENGLISH BASTERDS CAN AFFORD IT he yelled but we werent able to. Instead i dialed direct. Its a hell of a lot of numbers you have to dial. The first 2 times i misdialed an granfather smacked me an said YOUR PAYIN FOR THEM CALLS WALTER.


We got a very nice man on the phone not in Englond i think in Ireland and he tried to be nice an civil an explain that he wasnt sure if Giuness really kept track of records like we had called about. Plus the mole factor was somthing he was unaware of. Granfather treated him pretty bad an hollered at him. The man was too nice to hang up on us but i think he did anyway.

Also while inspectin granfathers ugly body those severol hours we did find a massive boil I WONT SAY WHERE the size of corn muffen but no one really cared. I sugested we give it a cool name like The Dutchess O'Windser or Dark Lord Lone Star but granfather was no longer in the mood.

I was desperote

Yes desperete to salvage the situaton an make him stay my friend.

I told him: You know granfather, if I find a few mabye my name coud get in the book too. He said NO WAY Walter ITS MY GLORY. Then he started callin me names. He recalled that I was a bedwettor till an embbarasing age. YES I ADMIT IT. Then he threw a quote of mine right in my face. YES it was well-deserved and YES it hurt.


I often brag in a most unquallified way about how inportant I am in the computer industry. YES. I admit it. I often brag in chat rooms that "I may not be the Ace of Spades but I ain't the 2 of clubs neither." In the TIME magazine article this braggadocius pronouncment of mine got picked up AND PRINTED.

Granfather was loudly mocked me saying I wasnt even the 2 of clubs, I was lower than the Joker. In the deck of cards of life he said I was the stupid card with the card company logo and address on it, and the chart that says a flush beats a straight and that sometimes has a diogramm of the Himelich Maneuver on it. He said I was the damn blank card that Twinkies come on that isnt even in the deck.

Well thats what hapenned in the last few days...