Walter Miller Homepage

Where toilet humour is raised to a new standard
(Or atleast the lid to American Standard toilets are raised)


Page 2 of 7

Lets say we had a small "accodent"

The old basterd realey did it this time. He had a cheap Philleys cigar in his moulth he was using to light them and it was VERY hot in Texas. Those cigars burn fast anyway but today it burned specialy fast and he forgot to flick it. A large ash the size of a cat turd was just hangin there-I tryed to warn him. It fell right on almost half a brick on his lap and lit it.

As Sonney says- Badda-BING!

Either a big part of the brick fell in his shirt or it blews in there from all the popping but the next thing you know granfathers out of the wheelchair rollin around on the dirt with a thuosand firecrackers goin off like crazey and hes screaming an dancing around like friggin Fred Astair. It looked like the scene in The Godfather when Sunney got machine gunned on the freeway. My granfather was atually ON FIRE for a minute there.

I got the hose and wet him down

He needed a danm bath anyway--thats what they said at the hospital. The man has a thick leathery sub-human hide so there wasnt alot of broken skin and bleeding. It could of been worse. But his smelly clothes, hairs and that natuoral, cheesey stinkey crusty stuff on his body was singed and smoking. That COUDNT be worse.

Theres ALWAYS a chronic, congenitol puetrid odor about him--this was the combustable version of it. It smelled JUST like when you do a Holloween prank and get a papper bag and put dogshit in it an light it and leave it on someones porch and run away. Thats the only other time I remember that smell.

The amboulance crew was ready

They wore yellow slickers like Homer simpson wears in the nucular power plant, plus gloves. They know the melody of stenches posible when respondin to a call at our adress and were likewhise prepared. We also got a written warning from the emergencey services Dept of the County that our family was Emergencey service abusers.

There was 3 EMT's and one got overcome by the fumes. I overheard one EMT say that someone should report him to the State as a living, breathing friggin EPA violation. Lately he smells so bad Ive started been using airplane soap, yes airplane soap.

I buoght the soap over the internet plus I use a wire toilet brush on the miseroble old troll's nakad body just to get him clean. I did it the first time the other day. Amazingly he doesnt mind and says it just scraches a little and helps his itching. I make a paste of it with Ajax, pine oil concentrate and bakin soda and slather it all over his revolting clammey skin with a spackel knife and a wooden cement paddle.

I do these strong washings in the yard and I put the TV by the window so he can watch. Then I hose him off with denatored alchohol with the Sears power sprayor.

When ever I want to do any kind of heavy chemical cleaning on him I wait until one time of day when the pourno channel on cable sort of unscrambels itself all by itself. This was my oportunity. Pornoe distracts him so much he probly woudnt need anestesia for opeanheart surgury if he was watchin it. When he starts shaking an screaminn for me to put the TV on, I know its time to get the chemicals.

Then granfather concontrates his atention on the half-scrambled images. My dad has a saying about him: love is blind but lust can determine shapes.

To tell the truth the TV signal is still so wiggley on the screen I really cant see any difference. But not this damn hourny man. He gets ecxited watchin the flirtey couple in the friggin Tastor's Choice comercial.

Meanwhile at the hospitol...

"Sorry, there was a complication--he survived"

Those were the exact words of the doctor I swear it. (This is the same Doctor who granfather broke his finger that time.) In the Emergencey room they checked him out and treated him for shock. He had a few 2nd degree burns but very localized.

In 4 hours later he was home, had took Tyelenol and had took a nice nap and was verbally abusing me again as usual. It was remarkably like nothing hapenned. I think he wanted it that way becuase he was dying for me to drive him to that antiqeu auto flea market and was on his 'best' behavior which for him means modorate abuse.

That night he woke up hollering for me to haul him up on the crapper. He was mad cuase he slept threu Wheel Of Fortone and I didnt wake him. But the evil sense of humor was there. He started making fun of me by recitting from memory a love letter and poem i wrote to the woman i love. I had hid it in my sock drawer but he snuck in there one day and found it. He knew it from memory and HE ONLY HAD READ IT ONCE TOO.

CONTINUED: No grammys for gramps