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"Want some cheese Boy?"

Man was i mad. Not that he oferred me the rotted part but just that he was so utterley disguisting. He KNOWES any kind of dairey is a big problen, a BIG problem with his intestines but he said he just had a craving.

As you can guess Saturday he spent most of the day on the can but NO crap was seen. He had lots of farting but that was it. The cheese constippated him pretty bad. I called the doctor and told him what granfather did. The doctor said that on the upside Id be free and clear of wipping his ass until at least Labor Day. But on the downside hed be quite unpleseant to be around due to not bein able to crap. As you know hes already unplesant so I was really lookin foward to THAT.

And yeah there was ALLOT of fartin. While he was on the tiolet, with a Luckey Strike cletched in his teeth as usual, he said to me LOOK WALTER, IM ON FIRE AGAIN! -and then he put the ciggarete near his butt and made a giant fart and it lit up like a plume. It scaired the day lights out of me. I got the hell out of the bathroum and he laughed and laighed.

Its NOT a myth

Rural and Urban myths an legends alike are full of tails of people who- well, light their tails. Many dismiss the storeys. But Granfathers been lightin farts all his life. Hell give it up for years at a time but when he gets it in his mind to do it watch the hell out. I ran the hose in thru the window just in case he started a fire.

Once hed got himself up to a familiar momentum he started doin it with the Bick lighter which he aloways keeps in his shirt pocket. It was like a damn Flamethrower. You just have to ignore him and let him get it out of his system. He said LOOK WALTER NOW IM RICHERD PRYOR. NOW IM MICHEAL JACKSON. He was goin through a list of people who lit themself on fire. Then he said NOW IM NIPSEY RUSSEL. I told him that he never lit himself on fire an we got in a big argeument becuase granfather said HE DID. Then the smokealarm went off. It was like the friggin' Golf War in there.

Granfdather's problems with gas are NOT helped by these new Adult Noutrition Suplements which are all the craze lately with the elderly. Like Ensure. He drinks them betwean meals and also WITH meals and all damn day long plus with ice and vodka. The old bitch girlfirend drinks them too with Khalua.

Now the real fireworks begin

Then i told him this was it: Sunday was off-he coudnt go to the antique auto show. I woudnt drive him NO MATTER WHAT. We got in an awful argoument. He was mad becuase the mailing he got about the show said thered be lots of Pogs and also glass oil company cans there from before 1950 which he collects. But really Granfather is starting to get into those Pogs. He must be the worlds oldest Pog colector.

The arguemant descended into viollent screaming. He thratened to sell me over the internet, organ by organ to the biggest bidders on the black market who buy bootleg body parts for transplant. He thretenned to send a Popeal pocket Fishermon up my ass with every blade open and all 48 attachments deployed. He narrowed his eyes down to these evil black slits and growled at me in a gutteral way YOU BETTER TAKE ME to that colectible show and also ILL GET YOU FOR THIS BOY!!! and when he growles like that he trembelled all over. I get the goldamn shivvering willies when he does that.


As I layed in bed he kept reappeating that over an over. I COUDNT SLEEP. The man is so into collecting crap he gets obsessed.

The next day after that he was still in a real pissed mood and I took him back to the clinic because they wanted to check up on the burns. The worst burn was by far on the very top of his shoulder and running down his back. They had put a dressing on it, but the dressing was pulled off.

As I mentionned granfather can rottate his head around in a non-human or should I say sub-humman manner. He said it was itching and he atcually was able to reach behind him and pull the bandidge open with his mouth. After the doctor got it all dressed again he started screamin an I saw him crain his neck with all of these awful crunching bone noises and snarl like a dog as he chewed the dressing off while we were there. It was all dried blood and crusty and this awful smelling stuff that looked like spinnach was oozing out. It was infected.

CONTINUED: We hold him down