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It was always MY idea to write a novel from my web site or get sponsors but he said that if it wasnt for him an all his disgusting habits I woudnt even have a web page.

Granfather is full of scams. How coud he run a business? He never worked a DAY in his life. I told him hes dishonnest and if he cant disgust people with his revoltin habits, hell only rip them off. He said OH YEAH well give me an example. I said what about the English scam and he said...


How soon we forget...Up until granfathers accident 6 years ago that put him in a wheelchar he raised money through a repoulsive scam. He would enter a fancey restarant or hotel or hang around at the airport and talk with an English accent.

Hed make a point of entering the room flamebouyantly and wearing an english suit and a top hat and saying stupid things like Tally Ho Old Chap and God Save The Qeueen. Atcually the suit looked like the burgundey impresarrio suit Joe Peschi wore in My Cousin Vinney. Granfather woud ask where was the loo which is what they call the toilet in Englond.

A few minutes later thered be a awful crash and when people ran into the bathroom to see what hapenned, hed be on the floor in a pool of blood with his pants down. Yes hed ACTUALY bang his head on the floor to make it bleed. He said it wasnt hard to do it becuase Mayor Dailey and also Nixon used to make the cops hit protesters in the head so theyd bleed allot on TV but not get hurt too bad.

When the people rushed to help granfather he said that he just arrived from England and was unaware of our different toilet fixtores in the US. Yes hed purposely fall after trying or PRETENDING to try to crap in a urinal. If someone was in there in the mens room, hed drop his drarwers right in front of the person and sit his bare ass on the urinol and say somthing stupid like: I Say, Governeor, What a splendid day to play Cricket. Then hed say Woops! and fall off with a witness there seeing him.

Then hed try to scam the management by saying he was a fammous duke and that he would sue them. Hed threaten to "Call A Bobby." Poeple would be shocked. If they didnt PAY UP right there hed get louder and louder until prettey soon it was stupid old granfather screamin and spitting with his rural Americon accent and no more English lord.

Mostly people told him to get lost after hed rant and rave a few minutes. Once he made as much as $400 but mostly if he got money at all hed ask for $20 with a promise he would leave. Over the years he built up scar tisseu on the bones of his forehead and thats why he can open walnuts on it.

So I made my point. Bringing up the scam shut that bad boy's mouth. He thought I was too young to remember it but I REMEMBER EVEORYTHING.

On the 6th day the coller was startin to get soggey and smell. I had to reinforce it with more tape. Granfather got back at me by rollin his eyes back so you can only see the whites. Then he goes into this drooling gurgling trance. Its just a put-on. But he knows it scares me.

Things intensify later when the mail came becuase in that days mail is another flyer for...

Another colectible show!

Now he starts beggin me to let him go this other collectible show which is coming up. (He missed the first one). As an incentive he told me I could have 25% of the stock when "OUR" company goes pubic. I said OK Granfather (becuase its 100% ALL MY stock anyway).

I said he could go to the colectible show ONLY AFTER HE CRAPS but you know he ate all the Reagan cheese so that might not be for a few more weeks. Granfather gets very defensive. But oddley he gives up from this latest battle just a little too quickly and quietley...

I coud tell something is up

At 3 AM the next morning I hear the car start up an drive down our dirt driveway toward the highway. I imediatly think someone stole the car but i didnt hear the dogs so that means someone we know took the car...It coudnt be.

It IS...Granfather excapes!

I dont know how he did it. His bed was emptey and a calm, less puetrid oder settled over our property. First thing-I caled the sheriff. Like I said he told me theres no law agianst him traveling plus I think he does have a valid driver license. (Yes Texas will give a licesne to ANYONE who passes the test.)

CONTINUED: We haveto keep his DNA out of the gene pool